Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 262

GunMaster357 · 06-20-2011, 03:42 AM

I have nothing against "big" boobs as long as they're Mother Nature's gift. It is the artificial ones that I don't like. I especially dislike the feel when I touch them.

Sheldonrs · 06-21-2011, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I have nothing against "big" boobs as long as they're Mother Nature's gift. It is the artificial ones that I don't like. I especially dislike the feel when I touch them.

Perhaps if you asked for permission first. ;-)

LOL!

jimhelm · 08-11-2011, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I have nothing against "big" boobs as long as they're Mother Nature's gift. It is the artificial ones that I don't like. I especially dislike the feel when I touch them.

You haven't felt good ones then. trust me. silicone does not feel like a bag of sand. the saline ones are too hard.... they feel like a muscle. but good new ones... yeah.. close your eyes, and you cannot tell the difference. they taste like vanilla, too!

monster · 06-21-2011, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Chelsea, from Minneapolis in the US, got the giant boobs by having them injected with polypropylene - a substance used to make packaging. It irritates the breast lining making them swell - and they are still growing at a rate of one inch a month

that really is WTF

I give it less than 10 years before she or her beneficiaries are suing the "medical" team responsible.

monster · 06-21-2011, 01:00 PM

ouch

infinite monkey · 06-21-2011, 01:01 PM

I keep reading "tailbone" which is kind of funny too. Coccyx!

classicman · 06-21-2011, 03:17 PM

Marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's,

later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!

BrianR · 06-21-2011, 06:54 PM

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' T-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between republican loggers and democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

regular.joe · 06-21-2011, 08:59 PM

I LOLed.

Sheldonrs · 06-22-2011, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by regular.joe

I LOLed.

It's funny because it's probably a true story.

classicman · 06-23-2011, 11:53 AM

Trip to Italy

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the
captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

infinite monkey · 06-23-2011, 11:56 AM

classicman · 06-23-2011, 08:26 PM

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

classicman · 06-24-2011, 08:08 AM

The emails have been coming in pretty heavy as of late ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

Spexxvet · 06-24-2011, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

The emails have been coming in pretty heavy as of late ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

The wife said "it was an occident!"

06-20-2011, 03:42 AM	#1
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	I have nothing against "big" boobs as long as they're Mother Nature's gift. It is the artificial ones that I don't like. I especially dislike the feel when I touch them. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

06-21-2011, 01:00 PM	#5
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	ouch __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-21-2011, 03:17 PM	#7
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Very Corny ... Marriage The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. "Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-21-2011, 06:54 PM	#8
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' T-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between republican loggers and democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.' As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.' 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one? __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

06-21-2011, 08:59 PM	#9
regular.joe Старый сержант Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: NC, dreaming of large Russian women. Posts: 1,464	I LOLed. __________________ Birth, wealth, and position are valueless during wartime. Man is only judged by his character --Soldier's Testament. Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature. - Marcus Aurelius.

06-21-2011, 01:01 PM	#6
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	I keep reading "tailbone" which is kind of funny too. Coccyx!

06-23-2011, 11:53 AM	#11
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Trip to Italy A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-23-2011, 11:56 AM	#12
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002

06-23-2011, 08:26 PM	#13
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-24-2011, 08:08 AM	#14
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	The emails have been coming in pretty heavy as of late ... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, The Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents... 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him... Sum Ting Wong __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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