Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"

[footfootfoot]

[xoxoxoBruce]

An alien space ship encounters an electromagnetic storm and crash lands near the Never land Ranch.
The desperate aliens leave the spacecraft in search of their destiny. Ahead they see a well-lit house with lots of children enjoying an amusement park.
The aliens said, " Look all the earthlings are the same size as we are and they are happy " They approached with confidence and said " Greetings we are here from another star system we need to talk to your leader "
A kid ran inside and grabbed Michael. The kid said " Hey look out there a whole field full of little aliens "
Michael smiled and said to himself " So they think they are the only ones who fly around this planet and probe little people "

[footfootfoot]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex in quite some time. Despite a really good figure, sexy clothes, and a good sense of humor she hadn’t even had a date in months. She decided to seek the expertise of a feng shui sex therapist.

Her best friend referred her to Dr. Chang, down in Chinatown so she went to see him. Upon entering his office, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Willing to try anything, the woman did as she was told.

"Get down on you hands and knees then craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You haf bad probrem. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."

[Guyute]

First off- Hi all, my first post!!

This American commits several bank robberies and in order to stay out of jail he joins the French Foreign Legion. After his basic training he ends up out in the middle of the desert at tthis fort. The commandant is showing him around, answering questions and explaining his duties all day.

That night he hears these various sets of footsteps so he looks out his window. In the sand just outside the gate is a hut, and a soldier has his groin pressed up to the side of the hut and has this crazy grin on his face and moaning.

The next morning he grabs the commandant and asks him what the hell he saw!! The commandant replies "Since we aren't allowed female companionship during our stay inside the fort, they bend the rules by providing this hut, just outside the walls, so all you have to do to get relief is go up to the hut and stick your hardon in the hole and you will get the most amazing blowjob!"

The new recruit is freaking out and can hardly wait until nightfall. As soon as the coast is clear he runs up to the hut, sticks his tool in the hole and is rewarded by the best BJ he has had in years. He goes back the next night and 2 nights after, and each time is rewarded with satisfaction beyond his wildest fantasies. Then the fifth night he sticks his tool in the hole in eager anticipation, and nothing. He goes to bed disappointed, and the next morning he sees the commandant at breakfast.

He runs up to the Commandant and blurts out "Commandant, there must have been a problem there was no-one in the box last night."

The commandant looks at him, thinks for a second, then says "OOOOH that's right! I forgot to tell you that it was your turn in the box!!"

[Iggy]

One day, a woman decides the go to the docter to see if he can help her improve her sex life. She asks the doctor if there is anything he could do so that her husband would have sex with her again.
The doctor says "Well, we do have a pill that will help, but before I give it to you, I have to warn you that you must follow the directions EXACTLY."
So she agrees, and he gives her the pills.
"How do I use them?"
"All you have to do is crush up one pill in his dinner the night you would like to have sex, but no more!"
So that night, she crushes up one pill in dinner and they have the best sex they had had in years.
The next night, she decides since the last night was so good, she would try two pills that night. Sure enough, the sex is even better!
The fourth night, she decides the doctor was exaggerating about the pills and puts in the rest of the bottle!
The next morning, a police officer recieves a call to the house and finds a boy crying on the porch.
"Son, what's wrong?"
Sobbing, the boy says "My mommys dead, my sisters knocked up, my butthole hurts, and my daddy is in the backyard saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty!'"

[Iggy]

Have you heard the joke about the two blondes who walked into a building?

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[cowhead]

how's about two Irishmen walk past a bar?

The Amish Hand Warmer: An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

( buh dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week.. with shows at 5, 9 and an adult show at 11:00! don't forget to tip your bartender and waitresses!)

[xoxoxoBruce]

Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.'
The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.'
The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want.
After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!'
The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is xoxoxo Bruce?!?!'

[xoxoxoBruce]

For ZippyT
A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station and tells the recruiter "I want in, I want to fight!"
But the recruiter says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there.
He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I wanna fight!"
But his friend says "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine", the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!"
So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again!
St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought."
So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him, "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter then says, "Now what?!"
God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion." So St Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?" God smiles and says, "Take his balls."
So St. Peter takes the guy's balls. The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."

[zippyt]

GOOD ONE !!!!!
Once a Marine , ALLWAYS a Marine !!!!!
"Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah! OO-Rah!"

[BigV]

So there's this guy and he comes to work one morning only to find the boss has hired a new secretary. She's a babe, and, fortunately, for the purposes of this joke, his office opens directly toward her work area. He spends the whole morning getting nothing done, he can't take his eyes off this woman. Well, at lunchtime he decides to offer to make her feel welcome, and invites her to join him for lunch. They get to the restaurant and it soon becomes clear that the attraction is mutual. The question changes from what to order? to your place or mine? Hers, just around the corner.

They spend the afternoon feeding other appetites and the man looks up and sees it's getting dark. Frantically he rushes to get dressed and she follows him to the door. He bolts down the steps and starts up the sidewalk and then comes back to her yard and does something strange. He walks onto the grass, gets down and rolls back and forth on the lawn a couple of times, then gets back up and hurries up the block.

When he gets home, the litle woman is waiting in the doorway, arms crossed, tapping her foot in "that way".

"Uh-oh" the man thinks. "The office--".

"Said you were out all afternoon" she interrupts.

Busted. Total surrender is his only option at this point, and he comes clean and tells the whole truth: new secretary, lunch, "dessert" at her place, everything.

He waits for the verdict.

As she listens to the story her toe never breaks rhythm, but she does uncross her arms. She deliberately reaches out her hand to his shoulder and carefully picks a single blade of grass from his shirt.

"You lying sack of shit--You've been GOLFING AGAIN!"

[gingerstar61]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve."

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

From If The Shoe Fitz.

[404Error]

As your wife gets older, be patient with her. It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell at their spouses. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I was laid off from my last job and took "early retirement" on Feb. 15th it became necessary for my wife to get two full-time jobs, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from golfing about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I try not to yell. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get dinner on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. Now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday boy's bar night, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's golf round, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I had a really good day of golf, this allows her to clean and polish my clubs at a more leisurely pace. My wife is starting to complain a little, occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that my ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.