Humor...I Need Humor...

[wolf]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!"

*********************************

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[lheene]

Vampires in a Bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

[glatt]

Originally Posted by wolf

"How many is a Brazilian?"

[Cyclefrance]

From the Sunday Times last Sunday (finally got round to reading it), so two for the price of one:

Hiding place of the week
Police have arrested a woman after dialling the number of a stolen cell phone and hearing muffled ringing from her bottom. Officers in Iasi, Romania, stopped the 24-year-old thief as she got off a bus after passengers accused her of taking the phone. On calling the number, police heard ringing from beneath her dress. A strip search at the station revealed the phone's unlikely hiding place. 'We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one', said a police spokesman. 'The station doctor extracted the phone, and we sprayed it with disinfectant before giving it back!'

Bad idea of the week
A man has been charged with attempted murder after tossing a plastic bottle, filled with gunpowder, at a car carrying his former girlfriend. Unfortunately for the 45-year-old attacker, the bottle bounced off the car, landed at his feet and ignited. He was taken to hospital in Durham, North Carolina, after his clothes caught fire.

[Iggy]

I have read through this all before... and I can't remember if this has been posted or not. My apologies if it has.


Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.

The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."

The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."

The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' "

[Happy Monkey]

Bob the Angry Flower

[Griff]

ouch

[wolf]

Stop, drop, and roll.

[zippyt]

Dear Husband:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell

me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last

week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and

nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new

negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to

sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,

you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't

love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when

you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to

mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite

meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I

stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had

on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed

that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty

dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of

this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I

discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my

job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were

gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that

you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[capnhowdy]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you,
Mr. American, for letting me in this country!"

But the passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American. I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."

[Cyclefrance]

This thread is so long I must admit to have failed to check back to see if this has been entered already. Even so it may have been missed by quite a few. I think I have seen similar but it still made me smile...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, and spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
-------------------------

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans, There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. You are photo journalist working for
a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic
disaster.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, and disappearing under the water.
===============================================

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the
President, George W.Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options- you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting thedeath of one of
the world's most famous men.
===============================================

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would
you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

[Billy Budapest]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

This thread is so long I must admit to have failed to check back to see if this has been entered already. Even so it may have been missed by quite a few. I think I have seen similar but it still made me smile...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, and spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
-------------------------

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans, There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. You are photo journalist working for
a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic
disaster.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, and disappearing under the water.
===============================================

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the
President, George W.Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options- you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting thedeath of one of
the world's most famous men.
===============================================

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would
you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

I'd save the film and use my digital camera!

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by Billy Budapest

I'd save the film and use my digital camera!

Sorry, I misled you - it's an old joke and the GWB scenario has been substituted for the original which pre-dates digital cameras. Nice try though!

[busterb]

Sorry about that, but do you really think I've read 41 pages of this BS to be sure not a rerun?
SCF right

[Billy Budapest]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you,
Mr. American, for letting me in this country!"

But the passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American. I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."

I don't get it