Humor...I Need Humor...

[dar512]

Most of the stuff I get in the mail that's supposed to be funny, isn't. I thought this was cute though. I have no idea if this really comes from the WP.


===========================================

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:


1.. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj..), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when
you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish
men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

[mrnoodle]

File this under quasi-political humo(u)r. Again in the email, again kind of funny. My sister's on a roll lately. Anyway....


The European Language Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[footfootfoot]

herr noodle has vays uf meking you leff...

[Cyclefrance]

This one could be adapted to suit your requirements:

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I´ll have a Claims monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That´ll be £5,000".

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist
went over to the shopkeeper and said,"That was a very expensive monkey.
Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can settle claims very fast,
clear records, no mistakes, well worth the money".

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one´s even more expensive. £10,000 - what does it do?"
"Oh, that´s one´s a Wordings monkey; it can design contracts, check
clauses, proof-read very long documents, write wordings, even some law.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around and saw another monkey - price £15,000. "That´s
an underwriter monkey the owner said. He assesses the risk and calculates
the premium, a very important job.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a
cage of it´s own (pissed out of it´s head). The price tag around its neck
read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper,"That one costs more than all
the others all put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper shook his head and replied.
"Well, I haven´t actually seen it do anything yet but it says it´s a
broker."

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by dov

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

Welcome Dov - and don't dismay - over here you will clearly be good to have around in an emergency

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

Welcome Dov - and don't dismay - over here you will clearly be good to have around in an emergency

Thank you Cyclefrance. I have not dismayed since and I am not planning to dismay in the near future.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by dov

When I was a kid, five-six years old, I was very obsessed. Every fibre in me resonated, that I was the anti-christ. I researched, at a library, (anybody remember libraries?) I learnt the anti-christ has the sign of the beast, 666, on his/her body. I searched everywhere for my 666. I even used a magnifying mirror to explore certain cavities. No luck. No 666. Sigh. Then all of a sudden, a gift from below, I received a revelation, my scalp. I shaved my head, looked into a mirror, and to my dismay only saw 999. Double sigh.

You better knock that shit off before you convince W to invade Canada.

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

You better knock that shit off before you convince W to invade Canada.

Its cool, Bruce, 666 or 999, we do not need nukes, (shhhh we have em), or even an army.

Mother Nature has taken care of us.

I would give half my kingdom to watch Buhbuh licking his metal rifle, during the states invasion of Canada in minus 60c here. Buhbuh will be speechless after his other brother Buhbuh rips away the metal rifle that his other brother Buhbuh has his tongue fused to.

[busterb]

CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED
(this is not TMI but it IS funny, Happy Holidays everyone)

1. Schizophrenia - **Do You Hear What I Hear?**

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - **We Three Queens Disoriented Are**

3. Amnesia - **I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas**

4. Narcissistic - **Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me**

5. Manic - **Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
fire Hydrants and...

6. Paranoid - **Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me**

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - **Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire**

8. Full Personality Disorder - **You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.**

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - **Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle...

10. Agoraphobia - **I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House**

11. Senile Dementia - **Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe**

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - **I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House.**

13. Social Anxiety Disorder - **Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.**

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by dov

Its cool, Bruce, 666 or 999, we do not need nukes, (shhhh we have em), or even an army.

Mother Nature has taken care of us.

I would give half my kingdom to watch Buhbuh licking his metal rifle, during the states invasion of Canada in minus 60c here. Buhbuh will be speechless after his other brother Buhbuh rips away the metal rifle that his other brother Buhbuh has his tongue fused to.

Oh, I see, our Alaskan troops wouldn't know how to handle cold weather.

[Aliantha]

If OBL is hiding in Alaska, maybe he's in cahoots with the US government and their plans to drill for oil in Alaska. Maybe the plan is to go looking for him, and throw in a few miss(pun?)iles (cause we absolutely know he's there!) and wow wee...wadayano! We've struck oil instead of an international terrorist.

This should divert the people for a while...

Disclaimer: I'm absolutely positive that the powers that be would never do anything so transparent!

[Cyclefrance]

Time for another joke...

The Italian Lover and the Blonde

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I'm Norwegian."

[Cyclefrance]

And another (Ozzie/Kiwi category):

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[capnhowdy]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home.