Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 59

Cyclefrance · 05-25-2006, 07:21 AM

Gasman calls at a house, but the owner is out. However owner has a parrot, but parrot only knows one phrase.

Gasman knocks at door. Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman says: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.'

Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot again: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot: 'Who is it?'

Gasman: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!!!'

This goes on for some time the gasman getting more and more stressed, to the extent that, being unfit and having high cholesterol, he suffers a sudden heart attack, collapses on the doorstep and dies.

Eventually, the owner comes home to find the body. He checks it over for a pulse, can find none and says out loud but to himself: 'My god, he's dead, but who is it?'

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Pie · 05-25-2006, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Oh my god -- I watched that exact episode of The Electric Company (Heeeey you guys!) curtesy of NetFlix last night when I was working out! 'cept it was the plumber, and he was there to fix the sink...

glatt · 05-25-2006, 08:17 AM

Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

wolf · 05-25-2006, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glatt

Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

Electric Company Song Lyrics Archive

skysidhe · 05-25-2006, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Growing up my dad would take us or any combination of us & cousins camping. He always had trucks so we'd sit in the back and take turns telling jokes and storys. We'd have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. That joke was one of our consistent favorites. Except it was the plumber too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wonder what Mark Hamell is up to these days?

Cyclefrance · 05-25-2006, 09:08 AM

Ref Gasman/Plumber vs Parrot:

You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days!

Sorry, but you have to accept that only the long-term memory holds out in the end....

From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue

wolf · 05-25-2006, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days!

Here on the other side of the big pond visits from the Gasman are rare, and the plumber frequent.

Most often the only interaction one has with the utility companies (gas/water/electric) is when they come to read the meter ... which no longer involves an invasion of your home ... meters are either outdoors or electronically monitored.

xoxoxoBruce · 05-25-2006, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue

Sure.

Cyclefrance · 05-25-2006, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Sure.

Guy goes into a paint shop and walks up to the salesman: 'Can I have a small pot of blue paint, please?', he asks.

Salesman asks: ' What shade, sir?'

The guy's not sure: 'What shades are there?' he asks

The salesman reels off loads of names of different shades of blue: sky blue, azure blue, midnight blue, aquamarine. etc, etc.

The Guy is confused and still can't make up his mind, so the salesman says: 'Look. Maybe I can help. What exactly are you going to paint?'

The guy replies quite nonchalantly:' It's to paint my budgie.'

The salesman is gobsmacked: 'What!?' he exclaims. 'You can't do that. That will do the bird no good at all - in fact it will most likely kill it!'

'No it won't,' replies the guy, 'my budgie was originally yellow, but after about six months I got fed up with yellow and so I painted it green. Now it's been green for six months and I'm getting bored with that so I thought I'd paint him blue instead.'

The salesman is still not sure but after a lot of back and forth arguing he decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and sells him a small pot of duck egg blue paint, feeling that this is probably as good a shade as any to use.

Three months go by and then the guy turns up in the paint shop again, he goes up to the salesman and asks for a small pot of red paint. The salesman is a bit wary: 'Is this for the budgie again?' he asks.

'Don't be silly,' says the guy, 'whoever heard of a red budgie. Anyway my budgie died.'

'There you are, told you so,' says the saleman. 'Told you that painting it blue would kill it!'

'Oh no,' says the guy. 'It wasn't painting it blue that killed it, it was getting the green off with the blowtorch.'

xoxoxoBruce · 05-25-2006, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Sure.

I'm not sorry I asked.

Cyclefrance · 05-25-2006, 09:37 AM

As Promised Chris Terrill's (previous fiance to Heather Mills) open letter to Macca in the Sunday Times

BigV · 05-25-2006, 05:19 PM

hahahahhaha ahahahha hohohoho!! good one!

Cyclefrance · 05-26-2006, 04:12 AM

Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators....

TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
(David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
(Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
(Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
(Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

+++

Shocker · 05-26-2006, 03:58 PM

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a dozen eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

skysidhe · 05-27-2006, 01:26 PM

Donkey Story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

05-25-2006, 07:21 AM	#1
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Gasman calls at a house, but the owner is out. However owner has a parrot, but parrot only knows one phrase. Gasman knocks at door. Parrot answers: 'Who is it?' Gasman says: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' Parrot answers: 'Who is it?' Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!' Parrot again: 'Who is it?' Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!' Parrot: 'Who is it?' Gasman: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!!!' This goes on for some time the gasman getting more and more stressed, to the extent that, being unfit and having high cholesterol, he suffers a sudden heart attack, collapses on the doorstep and dies. Eventually, the owner comes home to find the body. He checks it over for a pulse, can find none and says out loud but to himself: 'My god, he's dead, but who is it?' 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot... __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

05-25-2006, 09:08 AM	#6
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Ref Gasman/Plumber vs Parrot: You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days! Sorry, but you have to accept that only the long-term memory holds out in the end.... From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

05-25-2006, 09:37 AM	#11
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	As Promised Chris Terrill's (previous fiance to Heather Mills) open letter to Macca in the Sunday Times __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

05-25-2006, 05:19 PM	#12
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	hahahahhaha ahahahha hohohoho!! good one! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

05-26-2006, 04:12 AM	#13
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators.... TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette) When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry) After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi) By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates) Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas) The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud) I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous) "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman) "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." (Sam Kinison) "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran) "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray) Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... (Anonymous) You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle) Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. (Anonymous) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous) First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." +++ __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

05-25-2006, 08:17 AM	#3
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

05-26-2006, 03:58 PM	#14
Shocker Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Your Mom's house Posts: 378	A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places a half-gallon of 2% milk, a dozen eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." __________________ “I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte

05-27-2006, 01:26 PM	#15
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Donkey Story One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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