Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 63

Pie · 06-16-2006, 09:19 AM

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma or his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"&%^$ off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

footfootfoot · 06-16-2006, 10:19 AM

274

Pie · 06-16-2006, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

274

?

skysidhe · 06-16-2006, 10:23 AM

haha pie, that was a good one.

something funny. stereotypical but funny and too big to post here as an image

http://www.absolutely-funny-humor.co...a%20Sheet.html

Pie · 06-16-2006, 01:43 PM

So there's these two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing in the forest. A little sapling is growing in between them, and the birch says to the beech, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The beech replies, "I don't know, can't rightly tell from here..." Just then a woodpecker flits nearby, and the birch calls out, "Hello, woodpecker! You being an expert on trees and all, would you please fly on down there and tell us if that there sprig is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

"Why, sure!" says the woodpecker, and he flies on down, and takes a little taste of the sapling, and he replies, "That, dear sirs, is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch - it is, however, the sweetest peice of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

xoxoxoBruce · 06-16-2006, 05:08 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 06-17-2006, 06:49 AM

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

kingfisher · 06-17-2006, 04:18 PM

Have you hear the one about the queer bear?

He laid his Pa on the table.

footfootfoot · 06-18-2006, 09:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot
274

?
_________
An old joke about guys in prison It's all quiet then
one of them yells "53" and the whole place busts up laughing. The
new guy doesn't get it and asks what's going on. They explain:
"We've all been here so long we just number the jokes."

The next day he says "274" and silence. He asks why no one laughed,
and they say "because you've got lousy delivery and no sense of timing.

Iggy · 06-21-2006, 02:29 PM

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Sundae · 06-23-2006, 08:13 AM

Not jokes but certainly humour, if a little cruel:

Heather Mills was practically a Beatle - pull one of her legs off and she still keeps going.

Recently read description of Kelly Osbourbe - a fat goth who's been sprayed with glue and rolled through Claire's Accessories.

Iggy · 06-23-2006, 03:08 PM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

capnhowdy · 06-23-2006, 09:53 PM

we all know what 69 is.... what's 71?

69 with two fingers in the ass.

Spexxvet · 06-24-2006, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

we all know what 69 is.... what's 71?

69 with two fingers in the ass.

What's 77?

69, but you get ate (eight) more.

Radar · 07-03-2006, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

What's 77?

69, but you get ate (eight) more.

What's 68?

You do me, and I owe you one

06-16-2006, 09:19 AM	#1
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma or his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife... "&%^$ off" she said, "they're for the funeral." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

06-16-2006, 10:19 AM	#2
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	274 __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

06-16-2006, 01:43 PM	#5
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	One of my favorites: So there's these two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing in the forest. A little sapling is growing in between them, and the birch says to the beech, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The beech replies, "I don't know, can't rightly tell from here..." Just then a woodpecker flits nearby, and the birch calls out, "Hello, woodpecker! You being an expert on trees and all, would you please fly on down there and tell us if that there sprig is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" "Why, sure!" says the woodpecker, and he flies on down, and takes a little taste of the sapling, and he replies, "That, dear sirs, is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch - it is, however, the sweetest peice of ash I've ever put my pecker in!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

06-16-2006, 05:08 PM	#6
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	__________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-17-2006, 06:49 AM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar." Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-16-2006, 10:23 AM	#4
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	haha pie, that was a good one. something funny. stereotypical but funny and too big to post here as an image http://www.absolutely-funny-humor.co...a%20Sheet.html

06-17-2006, 04:18 PM	#8
kingfisher Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 3	Oy Xo Have you hear the one about the queer bear? He laid his Pa on the table.

06-18-2006, 09:14 PM	#9
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Quote: Originally Posted by footfootfoot 274 ? _________ An old joke about guys in prison It's all quiet then one of them yells "53" and the whole place busts up laughing. The new guy doesn't get it and asks what's going on. They explain: "We've all been here so long we just number the jokes." The next day he says "274" and silence. He asks why no one laughed, and they say "because you've got lousy delivery and no sense of timing. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

06-21-2006, 02:29 PM	#10
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

06-23-2006, 08:13 AM	#11
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Not jokes but certainly humour, if a little cruel: Heather Mills was practically a Beatle - pull one of her legs off and she still keeps going. Recently read description of Kelly Osbourbe - a fat goth who's been sprayed with glue and rolled through Claire's Accessories.

06-23-2006, 03:08 PM	#12
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.” "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!" __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

06-23-2006, 09:53 PM	#13
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	we all know what 69 is.... what's 71? 69 with two fingers in the ass. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

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