Humor...I Need Humor...

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Important Notice
GREGOR SAMSA Is Not Eligible for SSI

We are writing about GREGOR SAMSA's claim for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments. Based on a review of his/her medical condition, he/she does not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because he/she is not disabled or blind under our rules.



The Decision on GREGOR SAMSA's Case

You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application:

I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH

DEPRESSION

BACK PAIN

You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s):

I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE

I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE

WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF

MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS

The following report(s) were used to decide this claim:


You did not show up for your Consultative Exam. We scheduled an appointment with an examining physician at our expense. You were asked if you required a taxi or other arranged transportation to the exam.


We received no medical records related to your alleged condition(s) of I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH, DEPRESSION, BACK PAIN.

Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made:


You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity.


Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations.


Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations ("the Listings").


You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report:

TRAVELING SALESMAN

We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles.


You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Functioning Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs:

STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR

NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT

ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus)

TAX PREPARER



If You Disagree With the Decision

If you disagree with this decision, you have the right to appeal. We will review your case and consider any new facts you have. You have to ask for an appeal in writing. We will ask you to sign a form SS-561-U2 called "Request for Reconsideration." If you cannot sign your name, you may mark the line with an X, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you cannot mark the line with an X, we will provide you with a special identity stamp. If you cannot handle or finger the identity stamp, we will ask you to come into our office and frantically paw at a ream of carbon triplicate paper, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity.

If you do call or visit an office, please have this letter with you. It will help us answer your questions. You must have your Social Security card and a current picture ID to enter the building.

Sincerely,

Barnabas Klamm
Regional Commissioner

(Courtesy of McSweeneys.net and written by Alex St.-Andrews)

It is like combining the trial and the metamorphosis.

[Undertoad]

My ex college roommate starred in several bear movies*.

*i.e., gay porn with very hairy men

**yes he was gay back then

***but not with me

****not that there's anything wrong with that

*****nothing wrong with being gay I mean, not being gay with me

[UpYours]

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when the lights were off because they could not see each’s sign language. After several nights of fumbling around amd misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "honey," she signs, "why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night if you want sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you do not want sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want sex, reach over and yank on my penis once, and if you do not want sex, yank on my penis...fifty times."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A Scotsman is sitting at a bar in Cuba.
A man with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it, then starts to walk out.
The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Cuban says, "Castro’s army."
The bartender says okay, and lets him go.
Another Cuban with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it then starts to walk out.
The bartender says "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Cuban says, "Castro’s army," and the bartender lets him go.
The Scotsman catches on and goes to the bar and asks for a shot. He proceeds to drink it and then walk away.
The bartender says, "Aren’t you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Castro’s army."
The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Where’s your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quick, lifts up his kilt, and says, "Secret Service".

[capnhowdy]

Psssttt.....

Bruce. Don't let the Navy guys read this.

[Spexxvet]

Lesson In Political Systems



DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.





REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.





COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the

other, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating

you have down sized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent

quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you actually had.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to

milk production but use all the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk them.





BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote

for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is

the best-looking cow.



CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[skysidhe]

http://www.ihateclowns.com/slapclown.php

[Sundae]

Where are the British cows? Anyone says anything about bad teeth you are 30 years out of date (yawn)

Edited to add - my submission:

British Corporation:
You have two cows
By Government subsidies you increase your herd
Because it's important to maintain the rural way of life
But when you finally start making money the tabloids realise you are successful and bring you down
You shoot yourself

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Where are the British cows? Anyone says anything about bad teeth you are 30 years out of date (yawn)

How about brit girls not washing their hair more frequently than once a fornight? Has that been addressed?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Joseppi was in the hospital and it was time for lunch.
He looked at his lunch and said, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."
The orderly said, "The doctor said you should have it", but Joseppi refused to eat.
That night, Joseppi's roommate had bad stomach pain, so the nurses came in to give him
an enema, but by mistake, they gave the enema to Joseppi.
When he was checking out, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.
Joseppi told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food.
Here's a good tip: when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it,
or they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass."

[capnhowdy]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."


President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."



The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."



President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[cowhead]

sorry this is a 'cut n' paste' but...damn if it isn't funny
>> Subject: Teacher Arrested
>>
>>
>>>
>>> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
>>> be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
>>> in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
>>> calculator.
>>>
>>> At a morning press conference, Attorney general Alberto Gonzalez said he
>>> believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
>>> being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>>>
>>> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
>>> solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
>>> search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
>>> and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
>>> belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
>>> in every country.
>>>
>>> As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to
>>> every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
>>> said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
>>> have given us more fingers and toes."
>>>
>>>

[Spexxvet]

What the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry (gee, I'm a tree)

[Cyclefrance]

The Indian chief is sitting outside his wigwam, when he notices one of his braves walk by scratching his head and muttering to himself in a worried sort of way.

'You look worried my son.' observes the chief.

'I have been wondering, oh chief... it is up to you to decide the names of the braves and squaws when they are born. How do you do this?'

'Why, it is simple my son. when a new child is born I look around me and choose a name from what I see. So if it is dark and I see an owl fly high silhouetted against the sky, then I name the child Dark Soaring Owl. If it daytime and I am by the river there, and I observe a great trout pass by then I will name the child Great Fish Swimming. It is that simple.'

'Oh' says the brave

'You do not seem to be satisfied and still seem worried,' says the chief. 'Come confide in me - tell me, what is it that so worries you, Two Dogs Shagging?'
'

[skysidhe]

Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff

ok those were silly



One hundred dollars

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100. The client gave the attorney a $100 bill. After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"