Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 72

xoxoxoBruce · 10-29-2006, 02:14 PM

White House Courts the Amnesia Vote
Rove masterminds the GOP's latest electoral strategy.

Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote.

The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House.

"Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote."

According to White House aides, the amnesia victim's meeting with the president went well, and was capped by Bush presenting him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
"The guy didn't seem to know exactly why he was getting it," one aide said. "But then again, the same could be said of a lot of past recipients."

Rove said that given the president's success with "Al," the White House was currently putting together a national database of amnesia victims to help get them to the polls on Nov. 7.

"Our message to the amnesiacs is clear," Rove said. "You may not remember anything else, but please remember to vote."

Elsewhere:
A new Labor Department study shows that Americans with no skills, talents or job prospects will eventually wind up on "Dancing With the Stars."

Sundae · 10-31-2006, 06:30 AM

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
F**kin' talented!

Cyclefrance · 11-01-2006, 06:09 PM

Reminds me....

My wife said she wanted a fur coat for Christmas, so I bought her a donkey jacket

and....

Man who stutters: ' M-m-my f-f-friend calls me d-d-d-donkey.'

'Why's that?'

'He-aw, he-aw, he always has....'

mrnoodle · 11-03-2006, 10:44 AM

I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange
window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of
me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more
than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get
two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?"

The teller replied, "Fluctuations".

The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!"

lhatcher · 11-03-2006, 11:57 AM

So you all know European women don't shave under their arms, right? So a European woman goes into a European bar and stands at the end of the bar trying to get the bartender's attention. She waves her arm and a drunk halfway down the bar calls out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina a drink!" A little while later and the woman would like another drink so again she waves her arm trying to get the bartender's attention, again he does not see her and again the drunk down there call out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina another drink!" This happens again and the bartender asks the guy, "how do you know she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says "any lady who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

footfootfoot · 11-03-2006, 04:55 PM

I love that joke.

Happy Monkey · 11-07-2006, 07:40 AM

If you played "Half-Life 2", you may enjoy this webcomic. It's usually fun to click "Hide/Show Notes" at the bottom of each page.

Cyclefrance · 11-11-2006, 11:14 AM

Irish guy is walking down a road one night when he hears a woman screaming - so loud it sounds as though she is in real pain or trouble. The Irsh guy rushes to where the sound is coming from and discovers a house with the door ajar. He enters and finds that the screams are coming frrom an upstairs room. He calls out and a woman cries: 'help me, please help me!'

So he rushes upstairs and finds this woman on a bed in the last stages of giving birth - the baby's head is showing.

'Bajasus! you seem in terrible trouble - is there anything I can I do to help?' he asks.

'Yes, yse, pull out the baby! Please!'

The Irish guy gets hold of the baby and eases him out. It's a boy. Holding him gingerly, he asks 'There, he seems all right but he's not making any noise - is there anything else I should do?'

In a panic, the woman shouts 'Oh God, yes, hold him by his feet and give him a good smack on his bottom!'

'Right, I will that.' He says - then with the baby dangling upside down held by his feet, he starts to smack him:

'..and don't (smack), go in there (smack), again (smack)!'

skysidhe · 11-12-2006, 06:51 AM

Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees F

* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 Italian cars don't start

* 32 Water freezes

* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming

* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 American cars don't start

* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start

* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 You plan a two week hot bath

* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South

* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Packers Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Undertoad · 11-12-2006, 07:22 AM

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

This must be old, they have a dome now!

Suggest substituting Packers.

Gamegirl · 11-12-2006, 10:54 AM

Let's see if I can recall this... (from jokes with Einstien)

Kid: Hey, I gotta joke! What do you call the ratio of the circumference of a jack-o-lanter to it's diameter?

Einstien: Pumpkin pi.

Kid: Oh, yeah... that's right.

Einstien: It's not funny.

Kid: It's not? I thought it was kinda cute...

Einstien: It's not.

Ibby · 11-12-2006, 04:30 PM

I have talked to drewmo.
oh yes.
i have.

skysidhe · 11-12-2006, 06:09 PM

Your jokes are funny guys.

This isn't exactly funny...but it is amusing. I didn't know where else to put them. http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/

http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/

Torrere · 11-16-2006, 06:20 PM

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

skysidhe · 11-18-2006, 10:24 AM

A Letter to Dad

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

10-29-2006, 02:14 PM	#1
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	White House Courts the Amnesia Vote Rove masterminds the GOP's latest electoral strategy. Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote. The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House. "Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote." According to White House aides, the amnesia victim's meeting with the president went well, and was capped by Bush presenting him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. "The guy didn't seem to know exactly why he was getting it," one aide said. "But then again, the same could be said of a lot of past recipients." Rove said that given the president's success with "Al," the White House was currently putting together a national database of amnesia victims to help get them to the polls on Nov. 7. "Our message to the amnesiacs is clear," Rove said. "You may not remember anything else, but please remember to vote." Elsewhere: A new Labor Department study shows that Americans with no skills, talents or job prospects will eventually wind up on "Dancing With the Stars." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-31-2006, 06:30 AM	#2
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	What do you call a donkey with one leg? A wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love? A bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus? F**kin' talented! __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

11-01-2006, 06:09 PM	#3
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Reminds me.... My wife said she wanted a fur coat for Christmas, so I bought her a donkey jacket and.... Man who stutters: ' M-m-my f-f-friend calls me d-d-d-donkey.' 'Why's that?' 'He-aw, he-aw, he always has....' __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

11-03-2006, 10:44 AM	#4
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?" The teller replied, "Fluctuations". The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!" __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

11-03-2006, 11:57 AM	#5
lhatcher Go, you might meet someone Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 77	So you all know European women don't shave under their arms, right? So a European woman goes into a European bar and stands at the end of the bar trying to get the bartender's attention. She waves her arm and a drunk halfway down the bar calls out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina a drink!" A little while later and the woman would like another drink so again she waves her arm trying to get the bartender's attention, again he does not see her and again the drunk down there call out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina another drink!" This happens again and the bartender asks the guy, "how do you know she's a ballerina?" The drunk says "any lady who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina." __________________ Okay it's just me.. be nice, okay?

11-03-2006, 04:55 PM	#6
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I love that joke. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-07-2006, 07:40 AM	#7
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	If you played "Half-Life 2", you may enjoy this webcomic. It's usually fun to click "Hide/Show Notes" at the bottom of each page. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

11-11-2006, 11:14 AM	#8
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Irish guy is walking down a road one night when he hears a woman screaming - so loud it sounds as though she is in real pain or trouble. The Irsh guy rushes to where the sound is coming from and discovers a house with the door ajar. He enters and finds that the screams are coming frrom an upstairs room. He calls out and a woman cries: 'help me, please help me!' So he rushes upstairs and finds this woman on a bed in the last stages of giving birth - the baby's head is showing. 'Bajasus! you seem in terrible trouble - is there anything I can I do to help?' he asks. 'Yes, yse, pull out the baby! Please!' The Irish guy gets hold of the baby and eases him out. It's a boy. Holding him gingerly, he asks 'There, he seems all right but he's not making any noise - is there anything else I should do?' In a panic, the woman shouts 'Oh God, yes, hold him by his feet and give him a good smack on his bottom!' 'Right, I will that.' He says - then with the baby dangling upside down held by his feet, he starts to smack him: '..and don't (smack), go in there (smack), again (smack)!' __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

11-12-2006, 06:51 AM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Why "Cold" is a relative term Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees F * 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night * 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) * 50 Miami residents turn on the heat * 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts * 40 You can see your breath * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans go swimming * 35 Italian cars don't start * 32 Water freezes * 30 You plan your vacation to Australia * 25 Ohio water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Minnesotans eat ice cream * Canadians go swimming * 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * New York City water freezes * Miami residents plan vacation further South * 15 French cars don't start * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you * 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going * 5 American cars don't start * 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts * -10 German cars don't start * Eyes freeze shut when you blink * -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects * Miami residents cease to exist * -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof * Japanese cars don't start * -25 Too cold to think * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * -30 You plan a two week hot bath * -40 Californians disappear * Minnesotans button top button * Canadians put on sweaters * Your car helps you plan your trip South * -50 Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * -80 Hell freezes over * Polar bears move South * Packers Fans order hot cocoa at the game * -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets Last edited by skysidhe; 11-12-2006 at 05:39 PM.

11-12-2006, 07:22 AM	#10
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game This must be old, they have a dome now! Suggest substituting Packers.

11-12-2006, 10:54 AM	#11
Gamegirl A person. duh. Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Some-where over the rainbow... Posts: 9	Jokes with Einstien #7 Let's see if I can recall this... (from jokes with Einstien) Kid: Hey, I gotta joke! What do you call the ratio of the circumference of a jack-o-lanter to it's diameter? Einstien: Pumpkin pi. Kid: Oh, yeah... that's right. Einstien: It's not funny. Kid: It's not? I thought it was kinda cute... Einstien: It's not.

11-12-2006, 04:30 PM	#12
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	I have talked to drewmo. oh yes. i have. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

11-12-2006, 06:09 PM	#13
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Your jokes are funny guys. This isn't exactly funny...but it is amusing. I didn't know where else to put them. http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/ http://cleanstream.net/mirrors/bunny_suicide/

11-16-2006, 06:20 PM	#14
Torrere a real smartass Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Kirkland, WA Posts: 1,121	To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

11-18-2006, 10:24 AM	#15
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	A Letter to Dad Letter home from school... Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. A week later..... a letter from "home" Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 3 (0 members and 3 guests)