Humor...I Need Humor...

[jester]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor

[Dagney]

Alternative answer:

A: A myth, because a rumor has a chance of actually being true.

(Although, the intelligent, good looking, sensitive man I live with is most definitely real!)

[Spexxvet]

Alternative answer #2:

teh ghey

[jester]

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

[BrianR]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[BrianR]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level
of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Radar]

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center

[TheMercenary]

http://www.weirdrepublic.com/episode42.htm

[jester]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks ov er and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

[xoxoxoBruce]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

[jester]

A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss,
the farm manager:

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig
with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the
bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and
quealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,
take it out and shoot the pig in the head and
you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig
in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing
blue light is stuck under the right front wheel.

You still there Boss?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

[Shawnee123]

What did the gangsta say after three houses fell on him?

Get off me, Homes!

[sandypossum]

Essentialist Explanations - a collection of "definitions" of various languages. Some are excellent, some are pushing it a bit.

Some examples:
"Dutch sounds like a drunk Englishman speaking German."
"Flemish is, as its name phonetically suggests, essentially Dutch while vomiting"
"Australian English is essentially what happens to you after living in isolation for too long."
"Scots is essentially English, only funnier."
"Cat is essentially the endless repetition of the phrase "Now! Now!"

[BrianR]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called ... Beer.
The drug is found in liquid form and available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties
and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled
out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam
known as a "relationship" . In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beer is administered and sex is offered by the
predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to
every male you know.

If you fall victim to this beer and the women
administering it..... There are male support groups
where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.