The Generic Support Group Thread

[xoxoxoBruce]

On the bright side, at least you were doing it to yourself and not someone you were caring for like a child or parent.

[wolf]

Sundae, you can always start over. I'm facing that as well. A few years ago I lost a lot more than just a few stone ... I think it should be measured in boulders. Anyway, through inattention, stress, and just plain sitting on my ass laziness I haven't regained the whole load, but near enough ...

You can always start over. You've managed it once, and you will again. Sometimes it helps to have a buddy to do it along with? Have you tried that yet?

If beer is a problem, maybe you should switch to wine.

[Trilby]

Sundae Girl--well, you know how very well I relate to all of this, but I wanted to let you know that I will cheer you on and celebrate every victory, and every decision to try again (knowing how much and how often my own self has to try, try again.) You've tackled a huge job (cleaning the flat. And believe me, I've lived in similar abodes. I'm living in one right now!) and you've put it out there and you are brave. I'm with ya, Girl! Oh, and, I think you are smashing!

[Trilby]

...and you've no idea how badly I want to eat french fries smothered in mayo right now. Will it ever end?

[Sundae]

Thank you Wolf - it does help put things in perspective. I've been seeing things in black & white terms (I had everything & threw it all away) but you're right - pick myself up & start again.

And thanks Brianna - I know at least I have an on-line buddy I can talk to about these things. I do wish I had someone closer though.... Am tempted to join Weight Watchers just for the company, but I worry that any plans are doomed to failure if I don't control my drinking first.

And that is SO hard.

[Trilby]

Drinking is rather 'hard wired' into my brain. I realize I did that to myself, but, if you can think of it as something like a needle stuck in a groove...like, the feeling of "oh, I REALLY want/need to drink" being a well-worn track in your brain, something your brain will always immediately go to because it's a known path seems to help me to deflect that particular groove. I say to myself, "That's just my first thought. That's where I always go. It doesn't mean it's destiny."

That probably didn't make any sense. Anyway--just know yourself. I always get a particular 'itch' right before I find myself in the liquor store parking lot. My brain feels controlled, my actions feel controlled, like I am a slave to it. I have to (lots of times OUT LOUD) tell myself I am NOT a slave to drinking and that I CAN drive away without a bottle.

I tried to reply to you earlier, Sundae Girl and my lengthy response got vanished off into the ether at the furtherest edges of the Internet somewhere. Alas!

Lets see if this second attempt will work.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but what I got from your post is that you have a problem with alcohol which is making other personal difficulties even more difficult to effectively address.

You want to lose weight, but alcohol only guarantees that you will, at best, stay at the same weight as you are now, maybe even become heavier. You would like to get your debts paid down, but alcohol guarantees that your credit cards will remain maxed out until the end of time. You'd like to meet a new guy, but alcohol guarantees that you will be so filled with self loathing that you just go into hiding from the world.

Your problem is alcohol. Period.

It is very, very difficult to stop drinking on your own. A few people do manage to pull this off, but most just keep on drinking. I admire the hell out of Brianna that she can tell alcohol that she and not it is the one in control. Most folks are simply unable to do this. I can't.

In another thread I wrote that I know that I could easily become the person who single handedly supports a small Californian winery if I don't put the brakes on. When I found myself skating on thin ice over a lake of good Kentucky bourbon in the past, I went down to the local AA group. I completely stopped drinking for 5 years. I now drink in moderation, but I have an internal govenor which will send me straight back to AA and complete abstinence if I sense myself heading for a repeat trip down the same old road.

AA is everywhere. I'm sure there's at least one group in the area where you live. It won't hurt a thing to go check that group out. AA is strictly anonymous and no one there is going to stand in judgement of you for having the same difficulty as they do. This might seem like a drastic step to you, but from what you describe, alcohol is impacting your life in a very negative way and you are having a very difficult time refraining from drinking on your own. It may be very worth your while to look into finding a support group.

The other thing I got from your post is a sense of profound depression. You may be drinking to self medicate you depression. Ask your doctor about an anti-depreesent. It may take trying several before you and your doctor hit on the one that works for you and your brain chemistry. That's the other thing that has made a profound difference for me. I found a wonderful doctor whom I call my "brain chemist." He worked with me until we found a medicine that actually got me jump started out of the depression that I have suffered from all my life. I consider my anti-depressent meds to be no more shameful than what insulin is for a diabetic. Some of us just suffered from brain chemistry that causes us to be depressed. Its not a character flaw - its a physiological one.

Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. I'm sending positive thoughts across the pond for you!

[Sundae]

I think the problem is alcohol, yes. It's obviously not helping with the way I feel about things, or my motivation to change anything else in my life.

I don't really want to go to my GP to discuss anti-depressants while I am still drinking. I think I will either get a leaflet about the dangers of alcohol or maybe even a referral to a counsellor or alcohol support group – GPs don't like to prescribe drugs if there is an unresolved underlying problem. What I worry about there is that it will then be on my official health records, and I'll have to divulge this information if I apply for another job or a mortgage or anything official like that. I know that may seem a skewed way of looking at things, but I do have a horror of being officially labelled with a drink problem and that coming back to bite me in years to come. It would also mean admitting I have a problem of course, which is a step I am only just about to take.

Maybe I really should consider AA. At least to say I've tried it. Part of my hesitation in the past (apart from not wanting to admit, again) is the emphasis on spirituality. Then again I've overcome this sort of thing before when dealing with Christian groups... I'll have a think anyway, and I'll let you know how I get on. Thanks for your advice.

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

What I worry about there is that it will then be on my official health records, and I'll have to divulge this information if I apply for another job or a mortgage or anything official like that.

I had no idea that information would be so public and/or be able to nix you from getting a mortgage, etc. I don't think you should divulge it, either, in light of that. Society is not very forgiving on either side of the pond.

[Sundae]

I applied for a mortgage years ago (didn't go through with it in the end) and they asked pretty detailed questions on visits to a GP within the last 3 years.

The same with application forms for jobs.

I suppose I could just refuse to answer...? That sort of thing doesn't tend to occur to me until afterwards! I'm not sure where I would stand if someone asked to see my records. They have no right to see them witout my permission, but it's feasible that a condition of employment might be access to them at some point in the future?

Anyway - borrowing trouble here. I'll see that as a possible option but avoid it for the time being.

[limey]

As I understand it here in the UK AA is not so spiritually oriented, you are encouraged to get the strength you need from whichever source suits you best ... It probably depends on the group leader/co-ordinator a bit, but in the Midlands you should be able to find a number of groups within striking distance, and so find one that suits you. If you are considering Weight Watchers as a support group then support groups are something you think you would benefit from. I'd say give it a go and best of British to you!

[laebedahs]

I need support. I'll be straight up: I'm lonely . I haven't been alone in 6 years before now and it's tearing me up.

[Sundae]

Right - joined Weight Watchers rather than AA, but haven't had a drink in over a week & intend to stick to that.

WW is awful - I forgot I'm not a group person, but I'll use it as an incentive. I've promised myself I will keep going until I've lost 4 stone, after that I'm on my own.

Talking of being on my own - Laebedahs, I know it feels all wrong when it first happens, but you may come to appreciate it. If you set out to meet someone just for the sake of being in a couple it rarely lasts. There are a lot of advantages to being on your own that you don't really appreciate for the first few months.

If you're a list person, draw up a list of the things you can do now that you couldn't before. Even if it's cooking kippers or drinking straight from the orange juice carton. Buy the books you always meant to read - or get them out of the library. Start an exercise regime or a fiddly DIY project.

Fill your time basically.

If you can learn to value your freedom then time spent alone isn't wasted - it's a useful thing to experience. I think it benefits most people to be self-reliant and you are still young enough to know there will be someone in the future for you. Just keep reminding yourself that loneliness won't kill you & there are worse states to be in. That helped me anyway!

But you do have my sympathy...

Good for you and weight watchers, Sundae Girl! I think any support group is helpful in a situation like yours. It gets you out of your house and allows you to see that other folks are struggling with issues, too. The very best of luck to you!

Laebedahs, the end of a long term relationship or marriage is always difficult. Sometimes the loneliness seems to just echo around in your head, as vast as the Grand Canyon.

Find things that interest you in 3D land. Take a class or join a poetry group. You do write pretty good poetry. In my town there's a weekly poetry slam group that meets that is lots of fun. Its a great way of meeting like minded people.

It takes time to adjust, but you WILL adjust. The very worst possible thing you could do is just jump into a new relationship now to fill the void. Get yourself some buddies by going out in the world and doing things that interest you.

I'll send you a pack of banana chips in the mail!