Humor...I Need Humor...

[Cyclefrance]

I think this may have been seen before - but worth a second appearance even if so....

[HungLikeJesus]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

I think this may have been seen before - but worth a second appearance even if so....

Of course, CF... but why are you posting it in the humor thread? Is there something I'm missing?

[Shawnee123]

Oh, he's such a fashion maven...the clashing colors just crack him up!

[Cyclefrance]

Try this instead then - and not a colour on sight!:

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested
we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he
hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to
what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was
going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved
him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't
follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he
was going to leave me and that he had found someone
else. I cried myself to sleep.


Read on...................





















MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

Of course, CF... but why are you posting it in the humor thread? Is there something I'm missing?

We Brits have a strange sense of humour - I mean ' pussies' - cracks me up!

[HungLikeJesus]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

We Brits have a strange sense of humour - I mean ' pussies' - cracks me up!

Actually, I thought it was really funny. I was just playing the clueless American.

[monster]

yup

[ZenGum]

Could we send that map to Miss Teen South Carolina?

[DanaC]

MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.

Very funny

[Cyclefrance]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

[Aliantha]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
Morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
Are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women
Drivers; the woman says,
'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
Cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and
Live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies,
'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But
You're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues,

'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished
But this bottle of wine didn't break.


Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
It back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with us.

[Cyclefrance]

Doctor to aging patient: you say you are having trouble with your waterworks, then - how often do you go?
Aging patient: I go regularly every morning at 6.00 am..
Doctor: Really - that's very good. So where's the problem?
Patient: I don't wake up until 7.00 am

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bush Issues "Thankfulness List"

In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.

“Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.

“Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.

“Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.

“Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell.

“Let’s be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.

“Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay.

“Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the economy.

“Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired.

“Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War Prize.”

[TheMercenary]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back
yard and having a glass of wine along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This
happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men
find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard
to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply
was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can
be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked
it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor,
but now, I have to finish your lawn."

[Aliantha]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.



The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s * *t."