Humor...I Need Humor...

[Aliantha]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.


He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, f*kin stop doin it then!"

[Cyclefrance]

Letters to Viz - extracts from readers letters....


If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'AltonTowers Theme Park - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond

[BrianR]

I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787




Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with
a lawnmower.

[Clodfobble]

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I'm sorry Cyclefrance, but this surname simply ought to be outlawed in your country. Think of the children!

[Pete]

There was a knock on my hotel room door.
She said "Turn Down service."
I said "Come in."
She said "No."

[monster]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I'm sorry Cyclefrance, but this surname simply ought to be outlawed in your country. Think of the children!

There's a good chance it was made up, hin. viz makes the onion look positively virginal.

[Spexxvet]

A well respected ophthalmologist was retiring. He took his wife to his retirement dinner, where a portrait of him was unveiled. It was a huge eye, and right in the center of the pupil was his face. The MD was very proud, and asked his wife "what do you think of that?" She said "it's lovely. I'm just glad that you're not a proctologist!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

[classicman]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'Do you always carry your remote with you?'
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I'm never going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each
other's likes and dislikes.' The counselor addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it honey?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A sales girl in a pharmacy notices a man
wandering up & down the aisles.
She asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this is the guy on the milk carton!)

[BigV]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Job Description
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, --snip

... mysteriously sluggish toilets ...

--snip

If only there *was* some mystery involved... [/wistful]

[BrianR]

> > 'Old Man'
> >
> > I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy
> some
> > new shoes. We decided
> > to grab a bite at the food court.
> >
> > I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
> to
> > him.
> >
> > The teenager had spiked hair in all different
> > colors: green, red, orange,
> > and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
> > would look and find him
> > staring every time.
> >
> > When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
> > asked, "What's the matter,
> > old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
> >
> > Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
> that
> > I would not choke on his
> > response, knowing he would have a good one. And in
> > classic style he did not
> > bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and
> had
> > sex with a peacock. I
> > was just wondering if you were my son ?




Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Giant Salamander]

Inspirational message.


It made me laugh like a man.

[Giant Salamander]

Fuck Planet Earth.

Indeed, probably the only word uttered in nature.

(By the way, Planet Earth is well worth having on DVD.)

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by Giant Salamander

(By the way, Planet Earth is well worth having on DVD.)

I'm waiting until I get a hi-def disc player. It'll be my first purchase.

And that video is hilarious.

[classicman]

It really is amazing in High-def!