Humor...I Need Humor...

[zippyt]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!!!
............wait for it........



..........You're gonna love it.............







The bartender says, "You are now.

That was a barbitchyouate."

[busterb]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend, or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

[lumberjim]

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep
>her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"
>
>The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and
>pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and
>said, "It looks like a dildo!"
>
>The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
>
>The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding
>the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a
>crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis,
>return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
>
>The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband
>had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She
>undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis
>shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
>shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
>She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to
>tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and
>started for the hospital.
>
>On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve over the
>road. A police officer saw this and pulled her over. He asked for her
>license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
>Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink
>officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it
>won't stop screwing me......"
>
>The officer looked at her for a second , sho ok his head and said. "yeah
>right....Voodoo Penis my ass...!"
>
>The rest, as they say, is history.

[busterb]

Important Reminder for Internet Customers: Email accounts are limited to 100 MB of storage. An Email Storage fee of $1.00 for every 5 MG over the 100 MB limit will appear on your monthly statement effective March 1, 2008. To avoid these charges, simply delete saved email in your inbox, sent box and deleted items.

Hello. Please tell me what MG is again. I've forgotten.

[busterb]

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun.. and robs the Bank!



But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line.

Did you see me Rob this Bank?

The customer replies..YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!.. SHOOTS HIM ON THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man...DID ...YOU... SEE.. ME... ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds...No.. But My Wife Did!

[lumberjim]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be availa ble in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[icileparadise]

Thanks for the stats. LJ. I just can't imagine when a 90 year old man demands a crutch exactly what he means.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.

[monster]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

10. I will be out of the school for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave. p.s. I can be found in Mrs Prood's 2nd grade class

ftfy

[lumberjim]

heard this on tv last night:

a woman walks into an elevator. There is one man inside.
She says to him, "Can I smell your balls?"
The man looks offended and says, "no!"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and says, "hmm. must be your feet."

[classicman]

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You > are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The
person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderf ul America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the
Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!

[lookout123]

ZING!

[TheMercenary]

Good one classic. Fitting.

[classicman]

Thanks guys - I am turning to humor much more as of late - Keeps my spirits up. That one is courtesy of Mom.

[classicman]

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied,

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers! They downed their drinks. Murphy said,'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.