Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 114

Shawnee123 · 03-05-2008, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Moral of the story: don’t underestimate someone else’s talents.

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Moral of the story: don’t underestimate someone else’s talents.

classicman · 03-05-2008, 08:07 PM

toranokaze · 03-05-2008, 10:01 PM

Or the ability to screw over people who don't know what they are getting themselves into just like an adjustable rate mortgage.

HungLikeJesus · 03-05-2008, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Re-read your previous post.

Shawnee123 · 03-06-2008, 10:05 AM

I forget you're head of the department of redundancy department, classicman.

classicman · 03-07-2008, 03:03 PM

EXACTLY!
EXACTLY!

dar512 · 03-08-2008, 03:26 PM

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple,sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band aid to a student but did not need the parents approval to distribute condoms.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement..

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his grandchildren; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

skysidhe · 03-08-2008, 04:42 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 03-09-2008, 12:54 PM

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

‘God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,’ She prayed.

And just like that………

…….. her ears fell off.

total loss · 03-09-2008, 06:09 PM

Hello,
Can someone please explain to me what does this mean: 362 and 293.
I see this on a forum where a couple use this to response to each other. I thought that's kinda cute although don't know what's that mean.
Please let me know,
Thanks.
Loss

lumberjim · 03-09-2008, 07:40 PM

perhaps the number of a post? if you look to the top right of your post you see the number 1705.

monster · 03-09-2008, 10:00 PM

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.

Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

monster · 03-09-2008, 10:03 PM

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?

A quarter pounder with cheese

DanaC · 03-10-2008, 05:57 PM

Ouch monster :P That's wicked...but funny.

Okay, another Armstrong and Miller sketch, courtesy of youtube. Not sure how well the humour in this translates across the Atlantic, but here goes:P

DanaC · 03-10-2008, 06:14 PM

Oh and one more Armstrong and Miller. This one I think translates well :P

03-05-2008, 08:07 PM	#1697
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	__________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-05-2008, 10:01 PM	#1698
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	Or the ability to screw over people who don't know what they are getting themselves into just like an adjustable rate mortgage. __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

03-06-2008, 10:05 AM	#1700
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I forget you're head of the department of redundancy department, classicman. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-07-2008, 03:03 PM	#1701
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	EXACTLY! EXACTLY! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-08-2008, 03:26 PM	#1702
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Requiem for Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple,sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band aid to a student but did not need the parents approval to distribute condoms. Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his grandchildren; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

03-08-2008, 04:42 PM	#1703
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

03-09-2008, 12:54 PM	#1704
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. ‘God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,’ She prayed. And just like that……… …….. her ears fell off. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-09-2008, 06:09 PM	#1705
total loss Alphabetarian Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 12	Hello, Can someone please explain to me what does this mean: 362 and 293. I see this on a forum where a couple use this to response to each other. I thought that's kinda cute although don't know what's that mean. Please let me know, Thanks. Loss

03-09-2008, 07:40 PM	#1706
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	perhaps the number of a post? if you look to the top right of your post you see the number 1705. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-09-2008, 10:00 PM	#1707
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?" When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!" Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?" __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-09-2008, 10:03 PM	#1708
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ? A quarter pounder with cheese __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-10-2008, 05:57 PM	#1709
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Ouch monster :P That's wicked...but funny. Okay, another Armstrong and Miller sketch, courtesy of youtube. Not sure how well the humour in this translates across the Atlantic, but here goes:P

03-10-2008, 06:14 PM	#1710
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Oh and one more Armstrong and Miller. This one I think translates well :P

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