Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 12

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 06:10 AM

BLUE58!

hot_pastrami · 03-30-2004, 09:47 AM

AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god.

Beestie · 03-30-2004, 10:24 AM

Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it.

Either way, that was just plain disgusting.

Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

Beestie · 03-30-2004, 10:32 AM

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. "

MALE PROCEDURE[list=1][*] Drive up to the cash machine.
[*] Roll down your car window.
[*] Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
[*] Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
[*] Put window up.
[*] Drive off.[/list=1]

FEMALE PROCEDURE[list=1]
[*] Drive up to cash machine.
[*] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
[*] Set parking brake, put the window down
[*] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
[*] Turn the radio down.
[*] Attempt to insert card into machine.
[*] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle.
[*] Insert card.
[*] Reinsert card the right way up.
[*] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
[*] Enter PIN.
[*] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required.
[*] Check make up in rear view mirror.
[*] Retrieve cash and receipt.
[*] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
[*] Place receipt in back of checkbook.
[*] Recheck makeup again.
[*] Drive forward 2 feet.
[*] Reverse back to cash machine.
[*] Retrieve card.
[*] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
[*] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.
[*] Restart stalled engine and pull away.
[*] Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
[*] Release Parking Brake[/list=1]

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk

SteveDallas · 03-30-2004, 10:55 AM

Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SteveDallas
Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

sissy

Undertoad · 03-30-2004, 11:27 AM

I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

jinx · 03-30-2004, 11:37 AM

I send my husband.

SteveDallas · 03-30-2004, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lumberjim
sissy

Oh HUSH, you big brute.

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 04:41 PM

Subject: Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries :they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
the United States."

Sun_Sparkz · 03-31-2004, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Beestie
Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

thats why i put on a WARNING!! it wasnt that bad, it was just some guys backside, ther has been a lot worse posted elsewhere and without warning!

lumberjim · 04-01-2004, 05:14 PM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS

lumberjim · 04-01-2004, 05:32 PM

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter she explained that she had slept with two guys
while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with
him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his girl friend with the
following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove
your picture and send the rest back."

funkykule · 04-02-2004, 02:40 AM

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALITY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

lumberjim · 04-03-2004, 11:50 PM

The Barmaid

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe
this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

03-30-2004, 06:10 AM	#166
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	BLUE58! __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-30-2004, 09:47 AM	#167
hot_pastrami I am meaty Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Salt Lake City, UT Posts: 1,119	AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god. __________________ Hot Pastrami!

03-30-2004, 10:24 AM	#168
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it. Either way, that was just plain disgusting. Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya? __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

03-30-2004, 10:32 AM	#169
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. " MALE PROCEDURE[list=1][] Drive up to the cash machine. [] Roll down your car window. [] Insert card into machine and enter PIN. [] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. [] Retrieve card, cash and receipt. [] Put window up. [] Drive off.[/list=1] FEMALE PROCEDURE[list=1] [] Drive up to cash machine. [] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. [] Set parking brake, put the window down [] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. [] Turn the radio down. [] Attempt to insert card into machine. [] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle. [] Insert card. [] Reinsert card the right way up. [] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. [] Enter PIN. [] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN. [] Enter amount of cash required. [] Check make up in rear view mirror. [] Retrieve cash and receipt. [] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. [] Place receipt in back of checkbook. [] Recheck makeup again. [] Drive forward 2 feet. [] Reverse back to cash machine. [] Retrieve card. [] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. [] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you. [] Restart stalled engine and pull away. [] Drive for 2 to 3 miles. [*] Release Parking Brake[/list=1] nyuk, nyuk, nyuk __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

03-30-2004, 11:37 AM	#173
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I send my husband. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

03-30-2004, 10:55 AM	#170
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

03-30-2004, 11:27 AM	#172
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

03-30-2004, 04:41 PM	#175
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	FOR TW Subject: Texas surgeons Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries :they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-01-2004, 05:14 PM	#177
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge........" Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-01-2004, 05:32 PM	#178
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-02-2004, 02:40 AM	#179
funkykule professional bowler Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 134	SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALITY On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

04-03-2004, 11:50 PM	#180
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	The Barmaid An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sx with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sx. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you" __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

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