Tales from the Nuthouse: Lest You Think I have a Really Suck Job

[wolf]

One of the entertaining things about what I do is that I never know what each night will bring me ... Will I track someone else's feces into my house, or will I be touched in some way, save a life, or hear about one ending? Sometimes this is all in one night.

Tonight I worked with a fellow who just hasn't been doing well lately. He's been back in the hospital with a quick turnaround time ... a couple of weeks ago he'd gotten out of another hospital that day and didn't last out the ride home with his case manager ... this time he'd been out for not quite two weeks, but wasn't maintaining well. His apartment was a shambles, he was dishevelled and malodorous (this means he looked scruffy and was stinky), and he wasn't making sense much of the time. So, we get him in, the doctor sees him, and decides to admit him. I now have to call his insurance company and see what I can do about getting paid for admitting him. We eat about a half-million dollars each year in unfunded treatment ... I'm the first step in the chain that lead to operating capital, so I do my darndest to get people authorized for treatment (if you've ever been to any hospital, not just a nuthouse, a good portion of the time you spend waiting has to do with someone arguing with your insurance company to get your treatment paid for).

So, I'm talking to the care manager at the insurance company, and give the patient's name. Her response is totally off the cuff, as it's a somewhat unusual name ... "You mean like [first and last name of nationally known murderer]?" "Yeah," I reply. "This is his brother. And he insists that his brother is totally innocent of the crime." "You're kidding me, right?" "Nope. Totally serious. Really is his brother."

Just as I'm finishing up on this fellow's paperwork, I get my next joy of the evening. An older woman who was religiously preoccupied.

I mean really religiously preoccupied. I was reminded of one of several evolution threads here.

Satan is at large in the world, you know, and first will come Armageddon. Well, actually Armageddon will come after the Great Tribulation which will precede it.

Okay, ma'am. Could you tell me though, what's the Great Tribulation?

(I don't think she actually knew ... she just told me to read Revelations. Apparently the whole deal is revealed there or something. I tried to get some more details on the scheduled date for Armageddon, but apparently she hasn't been given this information yet. It would be helpful for me to know, as I need to make a point of buying extra ammunition.)

Do you believe in Satan?

No ma'am.

Do you believe in Christ, and in his power?

Ma'am, I'm not a Christian. (she never, incidentally, asked me what I was. I wouldn't have told her anyway, as I don't think it's therapeutically appropriate. I won't lie to a patient, but that doesn't mean that I'll give them information that I think will set them off. Bad. Extra bad in this case.)

Do you believe in the Bible?

I have seen one, so I think they exist, yeah (yes, I did actually say this. set her back for a few minutes).

Do you believe in EVOLUTION? Do you believe that you came from an ape?? (see, I told you this was like the evolution v. creationism threads!)

Yes ma'am, but I don't think that there is any conflict between the Biblical account of creation, evolution, and the creation myths of many cultures including the Ancient Egyptians, the Celts, Native Americans, the Germanic peoples ...

(she seemed satisfied with this as well. It worked with this very unfortunately psychotic woman in four-point restraints. Why doesn't it work with you guys as a line of reasoning?)

Do you read the Bible??

Not lately ma'am. I've been reading the Koran.

She spent a lot of time praying very loudly and begging and pleading with God to make me see the light and come to Jesus. She was a bit upset over my advising her that I wasn't terribly concerned over not being forgiven of my sins through the power of Christ, but settled back down a bit when I told her that I did accept the existance of the historical Jesus.