Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 13

Elspode · 03-26-2004, 01:20 PM

After reading this, I now know that I fall somewhere squarely in between Conservative and Liberal, especially where deviant sex and fiscal responsibility are concerned.

Oh...and there's also that part about consulting the Bible, which I don't do. What are you if you consult Tarot cards?

wolf · 03-26-2004, 01:43 PM

That should work.

Although a little bibliomancy never hurt anybody. The bible is much better than the phone book for that ...

Sun_Sparkz · 03-30-2004, 12:21 AM

Office Dares

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system - Well read on.

One Point Office Dares

(1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

(2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

(3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

(4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

(5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

(6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

(7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing".

(8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

(9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Point Office Dares

(1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

(2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

(3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

(4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

(5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Office Dares

(1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

(2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

(3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

(4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

(5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

(6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

(7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

(8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

(9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

(10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

(11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

(12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

(13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

(14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

(15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

(16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

(17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

(18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

(19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

TEN POINTS ANYWHERE dares....

(1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

(2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

(3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"

(4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

(5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso.

(6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S**** FAVOURS".

(7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

(8) Don't use any punctuation.

(9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

(10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

(11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

(12) Sing along at the opera.

(13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

(14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

(15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

(17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

(18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Sun_Sparkz · 03-30-2004, 12:41 AM

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and

>have a few cocktails. They taste good, so you have a few more and then

>the dj puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor, a bit

>worse for wear. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished,

>and more modern music comes on, you come back to the group for a rest and

>another cocktail or three.

>

>You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at You.

>You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two

>of you. He summons up some courage and moves over to talk to you.

>You like him, so YOU buy him a drink. He likes a woman who is not afraid to

>buy a man a drink. You get on really well. When the time seems perfect

>for both of you, he leans over and kisses you. You have never been kissed

>like this before, an electric kiss - a tingle shudders through your entire

>body and you don't want it to stop.

>

>"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've

>never felt like this before. Do you want to come back to my place?"

>you wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep, to go to

>the toilet, last night's memories slightly blurred. You look at yourself in

>the mirror, make an "urgh" sound and sit down on the toilet.

>As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon

>sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in

>love last night. With a smile on your face, you stand up and walk

>back to the bedroom and see ......................

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 06:10 AM

BLUE58!

hot_pastrami · 03-30-2004, 09:47 AM

AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god.

Beestie · 03-30-2004, 10:24 AM

Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it.

Either way, that was just plain disgusting.

Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

Beestie · 03-30-2004, 10:32 AM

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. "

MALE PROCEDURE[list=1][*] Drive up to the cash machine.
[*] Roll down your car window.
[*] Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
[*] Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
[*] Put window up.
[*] Drive off.[/list=1]

FEMALE PROCEDURE[list=1]
[*] Drive up to cash machine.
[*] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
[*] Set parking brake, put the window down
[*] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
[*] Turn the radio down.
[*] Attempt to insert card into machine.
[*] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle.
[*] Insert card.
[*] Reinsert card the right way up.
[*] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
[*] Enter PIN.
[*] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
[*] Enter amount of cash required.
[*] Check make up in rear view mirror.
[*] Retrieve cash and receipt.
[*] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
[*] Place receipt in back of checkbook.
[*] Recheck makeup again.
[*] Drive forward 2 feet.
[*] Reverse back to cash machine.
[*] Retrieve card.
[*] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
[*] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.
[*] Restart stalled engine and pull away.
[*] Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
[*] Release Parking Brake[/list=1]

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk

SteveDallas · 03-30-2004, 10:55 AM

Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SteveDallas
Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

sissy

Undertoad · 03-30-2004, 11:27 AM

I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

jinx · 03-30-2004, 11:37 AM

I send my husband.

SteveDallas · 03-30-2004, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lumberjim
sissy

Oh HUSH, you big brute.

lumberjim · 03-30-2004, 04:41 PM

Subject: Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries :they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
the United States."

Sun_Sparkz · 03-31-2004, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Beestie
Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

thats why i put on a WARNING!! it wasnt that bad, it was just some guys backside, ther has been a lot worse posted elsewhere and without warning!

03-26-2004, 01:20 PM	#1
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	After reading this, I now know that I fall somewhere squarely in between Conservative and Liberal, especially where deviant sex and fiscal responsibility are concerned. Oh...and there's also that part about consulting the Bible, which I don't do. What are you if you consult Tarot cards? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

03-26-2004, 01:43 PM	#2
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	That should work. Although a little bibliomancy never hurt anybody. The bible is much better than the phone book for that ... __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

03-30-2004, 12:21 AM	#3
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	Office Dares Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate an office dare system - Well read on. One Point Office Dares (1) Run one lap around the office at top speed. (2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time). (3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you. (4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." (5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. (6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!" (7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing". (8) Walk sideways to the photocopier. (9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. Three Point Office Dares (1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers. (2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." (3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). (4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). (5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. Five Point Office Dares (1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). (2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. (3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". (4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two." (5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. (6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift. (7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!" (8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again." (9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights". (10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?" (11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." (12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it." (13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. (14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call. (15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. (16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. (17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist. (18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. (19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts. TEN POINTS ANYWHERE dares.... (1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. (2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." (3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?" (4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN". (5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso. (6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S**** FAVOURS". (7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." (8) Don't use any punctuation. (9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. (10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. (11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". (12) Sing along at the opera. (13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. (14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. (15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. (16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. (17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!" (18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!" __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

03-30-2004, 12:41 AM	#4
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	WARNING - NAKED PICTURE!! Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and >have a few cocktails. They taste good, so you have a few more and then >the dj puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor, a bit >worse for wear. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished, >and more modern music comes on, you come back to the group for a rest and >another cocktail or three. > >You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at You. >You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two >of you. He summons up some courage and moves over to talk to you. >You like him, so YOU buy him a drink. He likes a woman who is not afraid to >buy a man a drink. You get on really well. When the time seems perfect >for both of you, he leans over and kisses you. You have never been kissed >like this before, an electric kiss - a tingle shudders through your entire >body and you don't want it to stop. > >"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've >never felt like this before. Do you want to come back to my place?" >you wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep, to go to >the toilet, last night's memories slightly blurred. You look at yourself in >the mirror, make an "urgh" sound and sit down on the toilet. >As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon >sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in >love last night. With a smile on your face, you stand up and walk >back to the bedroom and see ...................... Attached Images __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

03-30-2004, 06:10 AM	#5
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	BLUE58! __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-30-2004, 09:47 AM	#6
hot_pastrami I am meaty Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Salt Lake City, UT Posts: 1,119	AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god. __________________ Hot Pastrami!

03-30-2004, 10:24 AM	#7
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it. Either way, that was just plain disgusting. Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya? __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

03-30-2004, 10:32 AM	#8
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. " MALE PROCEDURE[list=1][] Drive up to the cash machine. [] Roll down your car window. [] Insert card into machine and enter PIN. [] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. [] Retrieve card, cash and receipt. [] Put window up. [] Drive off.[/list=1] FEMALE PROCEDURE[list=1] [] Drive up to cash machine. [] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. [] Set parking brake, put the window down [] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. [] Turn the radio down. [] Attempt to insert card into machine. [] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle. [] Insert card. [] Reinsert card the right way up. [] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. [] Enter PIN. [] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN. [] Enter amount of cash required. [] Check make up in rear view mirror. [] Retrieve cash and receipt. [] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. [] Place receipt in back of checkbook. [] Recheck makeup again. [] Drive forward 2 feet. [] Reverse back to cash machine. [] Retrieve card. [] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. [] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you. [] Restart stalled engine and pull away. [] Drive for 2 to 3 miles. [*] Release Parking Brake[/list=1] nyuk, nyuk, nyuk __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

03-30-2004, 10:55 AM	#9
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

03-30-2004, 11:27 AM	#11
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

03-30-2004, 11:37 AM	#12
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I send my husband. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

03-30-2004, 04:41 PM	#14
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	FOR TW Subject: Texas surgeons Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries :they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

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