Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 134

classicman · 08-28-2008, 11:18 PM

Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC
sports commentators during the Summer Olympics. They would love to take back; but alas!. . .

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said... 'Look at that... you aren't getting anything between those legs.'

Sundae · 08-30-2008, 08:31 AM

Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999.

Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

lookout123 · 09-04-2008, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999.

Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

ah, shaddup it's a joke sundae girl.

DanaC · 08-30-2008, 08:01 PM

Mitchell and Webb: The Green Clarinet

SteveDallas · 08-30-2008, 10:24 PM

That's oddly reminiscent of Mr. B Natural.

DanaC · 08-31-2008, 11:44 AM

The Day Today, a british spoof news show: September 11th

Audio only.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-31-2008, 09:20 PM

Breaking News!

This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' that to Alabama.

regular.joe · 09-01-2008, 01:47 AM

http://www.canucklehead.ca/_Media/gr...er1_large.jpeg

I was flopping on the kitchen floor at O dark thirty when I read this.

skysidhe · 09-01-2008, 06:42 PM

Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

Liquor Store | Willimantic, CT, USA
(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)
Me: *walks out of the cooler*
Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.
Me: “I don’t mind it.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”
Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”
Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”
Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

skysidhe · 09-01-2008, 06:58 PM

http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/w...phic-designer/

DanaC · 09-03-2008, 06:41 PM

Noel Fielding:

A very strange young man. Best known for being half of The Mighty Boosh.

[eta] the Mighty Boosh Live vid which is on the menu is very funny. Funnier than the one I've posted lol

Sundae · 09-04-2008, 11:35 AM

I live in an Islamic Republic, jokes are banned

lookout123 · 09-04-2008, 11:55 AM

don't talk to me unchaperoned woman.

Elspode · 09-04-2008, 12:03 PM

Gonna have to cut off one of your hands. Not for any particular reason, we just like to do that. Besides, we're pretty sure you've masturbated at least once, and that's a sin.

BigV · 09-04-2008, 03:08 PM

>2000 posts in this thread... possible that this is a repeat. if so, I contend it is a worthy repeat.

**********

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

08-28-2008, 11:18 PM	#1
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics. They would love to take back; but alas!. . . 1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?' 10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said... 'Look at that... you aren't getting anything between those legs.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-31-2008, 09:20 PM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Breaking News! This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' that to Alabama. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-01-2008, 01:47 AM	#8
regular.joe Старый сержант Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: NC, dreaming of large Russian women. Posts: 1,464	http://www.canucklehead.ca/_Media/gr...er1_large.jpeg I was flopping on the kitchen floor at O dark thirty when I read this. __________________ Birth, wealth, and position are valueless during wartime. Man is only judged by his character --Soldier's Testament. Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature. - Marcus Aurelius.

09-01-2008, 06:58 PM	#10
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/w...phic-designer/ Attached Images

09-04-2008, 11:55 AM	#13
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	don't talk to me unchaperoned woman. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-30-2008, 08:31 AM	#2
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999. Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

08-30-2008, 08:01 PM	#4
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Mitchell and Webb: The Green Clarinet

08-30-2008, 10:24 PM	#5
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	That's oddly reminiscent of Mr. B Natural.

08-31-2008, 11:44 AM	#6
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	The Day Today, a british spoof news show: September 11th Audio only.

09-01-2008, 06:42 PM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones Liquor Store \| Willimantic, CT, USA (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.) Me: walks out of the cooler Customer: “Are you f*ing insane? It’s freezing in there. Me: “I don’t mind it.” Customer: “That’s bulls! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?” Me:* “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.” Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a GD* LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!” Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.” Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

09-03-2008, 06:41 PM	#11
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Noel Fielding: A very strange young man. Best known for being half of The Mighty Boosh. [eta] the Mighty Boosh Live vid which is on the menu is very funny. Funnier than the one I've posted lol

09-04-2008, 11:35 AM	#12
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I live in an Islamic Republic, jokes are banned

09-04-2008, 12:03 PM	#14
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Gonna have to cut off one of your hands. Not for any particular reason, we just like to do that. Besides, we're pretty sure you've masturbated at least once, and that's a sin. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

09-04-2008, 03:08 PM	#15
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	>2000 posts in this thread... possible that this is a repeat. if so, I contend it is a worthy repeat. ********** An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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