Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 140

footfootfoot · 09-11-2008, 11:30 PM

How is it that Jester made 1625 posts and I'm just now reading of them?

jester · 09-12-2008, 09:24 AM

That's because I took a long break. I drop in once in a while. Also, maybe it's because whatever I was posting at the time, you had no interest in.

BrianR · 09-12-2008, 11:29 AM

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period,' he replied.

'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so 'exciting' about a period?'

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy got mad, and the boy next door joined the Navy..

BrianR · 09-12-2008, 02:16 PM

Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.

Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.

George snickers but they continue talking.

A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"

George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

classicman · 09-12-2008, 04:52 PM

Excellent one Brian - great way to end the day

BrianR · 09-13-2008, 01:26 AM

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one often.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

BrianR · 09-13-2008, 01:27 AM

Blame StumbleUpon and too much free time.

morethanpretty · 09-13-2008, 02:50 AM

Humor=me drunk in chat
SRSLY

Rexmons · 09-13-2008, 05:14 AM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thoughtfor a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars",

and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with two sluts and a queer"

Elspode · 09-13-2008, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

Humor=me drunk in chat
SRSLY

I left before I got too unfunny...I think. Dunno. Kinda fuzzy on the details this morning.

BrianR · 09-14-2008, 02:25 AM

Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm gonna go down on you...

And you're gonna love it...

But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it...

Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time...

Lots of love,

Fuel Prices

classicman · 09-15-2008, 11:55 AM

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so
frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend,
She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him
for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get
his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What
happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Number 2 Pencil · 09-15-2008, 03:14 PM

McCain gets Barackroll'd

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TiQCJXpbKg

hmm i tried embedding it but it didn't work (so i edited it to just put a link), any ideas why?

monster · 09-15-2008, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Number 2 Pencil

McCain gets Barackroll'd

hmm i tried embedding it but it didn't work (so i edited it to just put a link), any ideas why?

just use the number from the youtube url, not the whole url. click quote to see what i did.

Number 2 Pencil · 09-15-2008, 06:47 PM

Got it, thanks!

ob-humor...
Here is ninja-cat stealthily creeping up on you when you are not looking.

09-11-2008, 11:30 PM	#2086
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	How is it that Jester made 1625 posts and I'm just now reading of them? __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

09-12-2008, 11:29 AM	#2088
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so 'exciting' about a period?' 'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy got mad, and the boy next door joined the Navy.. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-12-2008, 02:16 PM	#2089
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-12-2008, 04:52 PM	#2090
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Excellent one Brian - great way to end the day __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

09-13-2008, 01:26 AM	#2091
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Nursery rhymes we missed as kids Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy. Mary had a little skirt With splits right up the sides And everywhere that Mary went The boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ..But she didn't wear that one often. Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon, 'Pies, you dumb ass' Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct. Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh shit, it's Global Warming. Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-12-2008, 09:24 AM	#2087
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	That's because I took a long break. I drop in once in a while. Also, maybe it's because whatever I was posting at the time, you had no interest in.

09-13-2008, 01:27 AM	#2092
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Blame StumbleUpon and too much free time. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-13-2008, 02:50 AM	#2093
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	Humor=me drunk in chat SRSLY __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

09-13-2008, 05:14 AM	#2094
Rexmons - Kavkaz United - Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 613	A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thoughtfor a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars", and then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!" The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with two sluts and a queer" __________________ "Life's a bitch but God forbid the bitch divorce me..."

09-14-2008, 02:25 AM	#2096
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm gonna go down on you... And you're gonna love it... But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it... Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time... Lots of love, Fuel Prices __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-15-2008, 11:55 AM	#2097
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Quick Sex Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.' The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

09-15-2008, 03:14 PM	#2098
Number 2 Pencil Not too hard, not too soft Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Next to a yapping dog Posts: 75	McCain gets Barackroll'd http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TiQCJXpbKg hmm i tried embedding it but it didn't work (so i edited it to just put a link), any ideas why? __________________ Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream? -Poe

09-15-2008, 06:47 PM	#2100
Number 2 Pencil Not too hard, not too soft Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Next to a yapping dog Posts: 75	Got it, thanks! ob-humor... Here is ninja-cat stealthily creeping up on you when you are not looking. __________________ Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream? -Poe

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