Humor...I Need Humor...

[Stress Puppy]

For full disclosure, I was just curious if it was

[SteveDallas]

Originally Posted by binky

I once went to a tupperware party, complete with Tequila and pot for any who wanted to partake!

So did the hostess make a lot of sales??

[Shawnee123]

"So, look dudettes...you can totally keep your stash in this compartment, right next to the Tollhouse cookies, and it will be so fresh it will be like you just grew it yourself. Also, this one comes with "Dog-gard" (patent pending) that masks the smell so you can smuggle some home from Mexico."

[BrianR]

> A Family Christmas
>
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
> Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
> Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of
> panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He
> said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice
> must be true because every Christmas morning,
> although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
> poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
> put on sunglasses and went in search of an
> inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
> bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
> go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
> hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
> 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
> that?'
> Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
> that could also substitute as a passenger in my
> truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
> hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
> come in many different models. The top of the
> line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal
> husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She
> was at the bottom of the price scale.
>
> To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
> bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
> during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
> come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of
> milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
> for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that
> Santa had been to his house and left a present
> that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
> confused. She would bark, start to walk away,
> then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
> pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire
> her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
> walked in the door.
> 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
> My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
> 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny
> snapped.
> I kept my mouth shut.
> 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
>
> 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?'
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
> was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the
> back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny,
> hang on!'
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's
> the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she
> was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
> mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
> actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small
> talk about who had died, who was dying, and who
> should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
> noise like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
> front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
> cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
> across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
> pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
> room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
> thorough examination to decide the cause of
> Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
> tape, we restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

[SteveDallas]

Well hell, that beats the time (I think I was 6 or 7) when my brother got up early and hid all my stash from Santa, and just put some rocks & stuff in my stocking.

[jester]

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written i n red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
Darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Joe asks: Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off , you
screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table
$239.99

Hot Breakfast
$4.20

Two Aspirin
$.38

Saying the right thing, at the
right time......priceless!!

[Cicero]

LOL!!! Jester's always rock!! lol!!

[jester]

A man applies for a job at the Post Office. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you five extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%..an! IED ex ploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

[Pie]

Yay Jester!

[Nirvana]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy and everything crazy going on in my life. So I called the Suicide lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Ibby]

[Yznhymr]

Hospital Humor


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k'?

[Yznhymr]

Little Johnny


Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None.”
Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”
Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”
Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think”
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”
Teacher: “Sure.”
Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”
Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.” Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think

[Yznhymr]

Ralph The Hen


Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into
Bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
Sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
That is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
Home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
And pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
Here?'
'Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
Soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
And heard his wife yell..... Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'

[Yznhymr]

Dead Privates


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
Yes, Nurse Tracy , said Mr. Wallace.
My private part died today and I am very sad.
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences,
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Wallace, she said, You shouldn t be walking down the hall like that! Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.
But Nurse Tracy I can t, replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my private part died.
Yes, said Nurse Tracy, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas? Well, he replied, Today is the viewing!