Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

”Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer……

Amen”

[Nirvana]

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.



The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me.'



She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place:


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm.



The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist ap-

pointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'



The husband, rejected, turns over.



A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you

have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill

said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion

on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

that something was seriously wrong.


'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my

penis in the pickle slicer?'



'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill , what happened?'



'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'


'Oh ... she got fired too.'



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the break-

fast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'



'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-

bird fifty years ago.'



'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'



Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples

are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'



'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the

other is in your oatmeal.'

[classicman]

Actual Passport letter to the passport office:

Dear Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!

SHIT!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed of this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my addre ss??? What is going on???

You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!!!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be too darn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!!!!

Signed - An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security 2-0 clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who

[Pie]

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.

[Aliantha]

I thought this was pretty funny

[Nirvana]

[Tulip]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

I thought this was pretty funny

Attachment 23542

I thought so too. Actually, I think someone posted this before. I sent a male friend this pix, thinking how he may roll his eyes but see the humor in it. He did not. Actually, he became rather upset.

[capnhowdy]

Ali
that was funny as hell to me too. thanks

[SteveDallas]

I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

[capnhowdy]

Damn good eye, Steve.

[monster]

We tend to recognize the familiar....

[Nirvana]

[Nirvana]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[SteveDallas]

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I like how the stick figure in the upper right hand corner is just handing over his cash. (At least that's what it looks like.)

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

Damn good eye, Steve.

Originally Posted by monster

We tend to recognize the familiar....

Well, I wondered what he was doing like that... at first I thought.. no, no way.. I had to look and figure it out.

[capnhowdy]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Good joke. I will use that tomorrow at the Lodge.