What might be making you a tad apprehensive, but might not, as it's too soon to tell

[infinite monkey]

I should have bellowed SERENITY NOW in my meeting(s)...they ran over and were back to back. All about my processes that are FUBAR. That they historically put on their own back burners every time I requested help. To the point (and this is one of my issues as outlined and goal-set in the bin) that I can't concentrate on any one issue, and when I do it seems to loom so large that I almost feel like I run away from it.

Did they hear me this time? I don't know. Is my job guaranteed beyond this week? I don't know. Have I done the best I can? Yes I have, with the exception being that after the previous administration's 4 years of being dismissed, discounted, tossed aside, ignored, and barely acknowledged, I have a really hard time approaching with issues (as if I am somehow singlehandedly the reason for all the problems of the world.) Did this create a fear of the openness in asking for assistance (or at least build on the life long fear of such) and therefore PHYSICALLY finding myself frozen, and unable to push for what I need. Well, it was a big contributor, for sure.

I have a weird social hang-up. I am outgoing and I can talk to just about anyone. But there are times, when I'm in my silence and have been pushed to talk, to interact...when that happens it makes things way worse. I cannot make the sounds come out of my mouth in any coherent form. I cannot act. And if the pushing keeps coming, it ends in complete withdrawal. If I am then still pushed, I come out fighting and gnashing and gnarling.

My stomach hurts. Yes, what happens will happen but I don't get the feeling the swooper thinks I am anything but lame. I think the IntDir thinks otherwise, and my only hope is that he stays on that and supports me.

[infinite monkey]

The other hope is that one of those 'anything can happen in your life you never know what can come along' will actually happen to me. But, with my track record, I'm not counting on it. You say you don't believe in good luck or bad luck? Maybe that's true. But also nothing is evenly distributed, and it seems I used up all my 'good' when I was a teenager and I have none left to experience or offer.

Those magic happenings are for others: the ones who have magic happenings so often they think it's the norm, not the grand exception.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

This new attitude affords a certain kind of inner peace, as opposed to the other feeling of being trapped and at the mercy of everyone.

I, for one, welcome my (getting there) calmer internal overlord.

Hold onto that feeling. It's a remarkably powerful thing to have.

[glatt]

It sounds like a typical meeting with nothing really resolved.

[DanaC]

Gods that's one thing I dont miss about being a councillor. Meetings about meetings to discuss the findings of a meeting and set up new meetings to oversee the work that came out of the meetings, that is to say more meetings.

It's been a while since I had to engage with staff meetings, performance appraisals, back-to-work interviews etc etc. Not really since I was made redundant from the lit teaching and went swanning off to uni instead. I remember them being pointless, soul destroying, vindictive sessions. Like when they had a problem with my attendance (not my fucking fault I was ill. and you twats with your less than helpful help were stressing me out and making my stress related illness ten times worse) and had endless action plans to help me cope....fuck you, your system is broken, all your staff are either bitchy, ambitious, selfish fucks or decent people snowed down under the work of twice their number and constantly shifting and contradictory expectations.

Inf: You have your plan. You are actively engaged in getting healthy. You can deal with this, or more accurately you can take control over the impact it has on you.

Also, you are so totally due some good luck.

[infinite monkey]

Thanks. I'm reminding myself to breathe, and to not overthink...

And this:

It's been a while since I had to engage with staff meetings, performance appraisals, back-to-work interviews etc etc. Not really since I was made redundant from the lit teaching and went swanning off to uni instead. I remember them being pointless, soul destroying, vindictive sessions. Like when they had a problem with my attendance (not my fucking fault I was ill. and you twats with your less than helpful help were stressing me out and making my stress related illness ten times worse) and had endless action plans to help me cope....fuck you, your system is broken, all your staff are either bitchy, ambitious, selfish fucks or decent people snowed down under the work of twice their number and constantly shifting and contradictory expectations.

You're singing my song.

Was today the day the blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw? We shall see, I guess.

In the meantime, some good luck would sure feel good. First my dad, and now even my mom (who, let's face it, have known me my whole life!) say 'You have the worst luck" or "if you ever have good luck it's going to be a doozy" and things like that. And THEY are the first sort of people who believe you essentially control your own destiny and make your own choices. Even they have had to look back on my life and say "sheesh girl, i remember when this happened which ruined your chances of that happening" or any of the other number of troubles that seem to find me.

But, as you said Dana (and thanks) I AM actively involved in getting healthy and I know it won't happen overnight and I have hope. I'm still going to run into shit, at work or anywhere. I just can't let said shit run over ME.

[Lamplighter]

There's a popular saying: "Be the hammer, not the nail".
But if you're a really good, hard nail, they can't screw with you.

[xoxoxoBruce]

As you go through life,
no two days will be alike.
When you're the anvil, bear.
When you're the hammer, strike.

[BigV]

I like that very much xoB. Thanks.

[Sundae]

Bruce, I think of you as the Anvil Bear.

[BigV]

An anvil can be a devastating hammer too.

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by BigV

An anvil can be a devastating hammer too.

There are many examples in popular culture of just that. If an anvil remains at rest, it's an anvil. An anvil in motion will stay in motion until it hits someone on the noggin. And they ALWAYS hit someone on the noggin.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by BigV

I like that very much xoB. Thanks.

My High School English teacher wrote that in my yearbook.

[monster]

My jeans are all too big. And I hate shopping. And if I buy some smaller ones I'm bound to pile the weight back on. But the are noticeably too big Buying new ones might be ok......

[infinite monkey]

Sam, you made the pants too long.

(anyone? Bueller?)