Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 183

jester · 06-02-2009, 01:07 PM

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennisball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."

jester · 06-02-2009, 01:09 PM

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Nirvana · 06-02-2009, 04:18 PM

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.

Tulip · 06-07-2009, 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

I thought this was pretty funny

Attachment 23542

I thought so too. Actually, I think someone posted this before. I sent a male friend this pix, thinking how he may roll his eyes but see the humor in it. He did not. Actually, he became rather upset.

capnhowdy · 06-07-2009, 09:11 AM

@ Nirvana: HEEHEE.. good one!

Gravdigr · 06-07-2009, 06:01 PM

Minnie Pearl used to tell a story about a hen that talked and laid square eggs. A woman asked what does the chicken say? Minnie replied, "She says OUCH!!"

Gravdigr · 06-07-2009, 06:02 PM

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks at him and says "Hey, why the long face?"

Gravdigr · 06-07-2009, 06:05 PM

Tarbender, my wife says I've had tee many martoonis. But, I'm not as much under the alfluence of incahol as some thinkle peep I am.

Aliantha · 06-09-2009, 12:05 AM

A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley.

He asks, "How much for Sex?"

"£20," she replies.

"OK," says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a Cop appears and shines his torch in their faces.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"Nothing Officer," replies the Paddy, "I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry Sir," apologises the Cop, "I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts back, "Neither did I until you shone your f***ing torch in
her face!"

capnhowdy · 06-09-2009, 09:04 PM

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston, Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe. I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips. I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!"
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

Nirvana · 06-09-2009, 09:12 PM

The Law Of Unintended Consequence

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

classicman · 06-09-2009, 09:53 PM

American Kids vs Italian Kids

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married......
Unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees.
If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done .
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done.

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish,
A choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.

American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread .
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).

American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.

American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.

monster · 06-10-2009, 06:58 PM

I'm missing the humor in that. do you need to be one or the other to get it?

classicman · 06-10-2009, 07:01 PM

I guess so Monnie - It must be an inside joke.
try this one:

Spexxvet · 06-10-2009, 07:18 PM

A priest, pedophile, and homosexual went into a bar and approached the bartender. The bartender asked "what can I get you, sir?"

06-02-2009, 04:18 PM	#2733
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Skinny Dipping... An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees . One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' ....Some old men can still think fast. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

06-07-2009, 09:11 AM	#2735
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	@ Nirvana: HEEHEE.. good one! __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-07-2009, 06:01 PM	#2736
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Minnie Pearl used to tell a story about a hen that talked and laid square eggs. A woman asked what does the chicken say? Minnie replied, "She says OUCH!!" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-07-2009, 06:02 PM	#2737
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks at him and says "Hey, why the long face?" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-07-2009, 06:05 PM	#2738
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Tarbender, my wife says I've had tee many martoonis. But, I'm not as much under the alfluence of incahol as some thinkle peep I am. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

06-02-2009, 01:07 PM	#2731
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennisball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."

06-02-2009, 01:09 PM	#2732
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

06-09-2009, 12:05 AM	#2739
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He asks, "How much for Sex?" "£20," she replies. "OK," says Paddy and they get down to business. Next minute a Cop appears and shines his torch in their faces. "What's going on here?" he asks. "Nothing Officer," replies the Paddy, "I'm just having sex with my wife." "Sorry Sir," apologises the Cop, "I didn't know it was your wife." Paddy shouts back, "Neither did I until you shone your f**ing torch in her face!" __________________ Kind words are the music of the world.* F. W. Faber

06-09-2009, 09:04 PM	#2740
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston, Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe. I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips. I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!" When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times? The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of My Pistol The 7th Time, It Only Went Click." __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-09-2009, 09:12 PM	#2741
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	The Law Of Unintended Consequence John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

06-09-2009, 09:53 PM	#2742
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	American Kids vs Italian Kids American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents. Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married...... Unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds. American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat. Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture. American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions. Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some. American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done . Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done. American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more. Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, A choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks. American kids: Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'. Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back. American kids: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs. Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad. American kids: Have never seen you cry. Italian kids: Cry with you. American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. American kids: Know few things about you. Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread . Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast). American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind. American kids: Think that being Italian is cool. Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-10-2009, 06:58 PM	#2743
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I'm missing the humor in that. do you need to be one or the other to get it? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-10-2009, 07:01 PM	#2744
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I guess so Monnie - It must be an inside joke. try this one: Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-10-2009, 07:18 PM	#2745
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	A priest, pedophile, and homosexual went into a bar and approached the bartender. The bartender asked "what can I get you, sir?" __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

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