Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 189

Madman · 07-28-2009, 01:13 PM

Here's one of those Motivational Posters that have been floating all over the net.

Got a good laugh out of this one.

Kinda makes me wonder if I ain't wired right... you know?

xoxoxoBruce · 07-28-2009, 02:49 PM

Punchlines
1. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.

2. They both disappear after a hot shower.

3. I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it.

4. A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven!
5. “I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy, and he threw up on me.”

6. You just KNOW she’ll swallow.

7. Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!

8. Their hands makes your d–k look bigger!

9. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

10. Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

11. The one that’s alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

12. Nothing!

13. They fell for that trick once already!

14. Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he’s thirteen.

15. None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!

16. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.

17. A baby in a microwave!

18. Not being retarded

19. Because the look on its face is priceless!

20. F–k her in the a–, then wipe your d–k on her teddy bear.

21. One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys!

22. Take a dump in her vagina.

23. Your bike.

24. Dress her up like an altar boy.

25. Cancer!

26. The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out

27. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

28. A pilot, you racist f–k!

29. Santa goes down the chimney.

30. It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

31. A Doberman in a playground.

32. 1. A “Thank You” card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from “Crimestoppers”.

33. Because I’m stronger than you.

34. Depends how hard you throw them.

35. Maggots!

36. All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border.

37. The little boy in the basement of my house!

38. A frog in a blender.

39. An inter-racial abortion!

40. They only had 2 trucks.

41. An Ethiopian eating a cornflake.

42. Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY

43. Brake her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.

44. They go back – but then the Jew sees a penny on the floor, tries to pick it up, and they both die.

45. Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

46. Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen.

47. One of the gay guys says, “Ok, who farted!?”

48. Can you put me up for the night?

49. “Out of what?”

50. You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg

51. Take your foot off his head!

52. None! What the f–k are they doing out of the kitchen!?

53. He breaks his nose.

54. They don’t f–king listen!

55. AIDS

56. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

57. Nail one of its hands to the floor.

58. “Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushing my Marlboros.”

59. The lottery!

60. (Spread arms and look mopey) This much.

61. The 4-year-old in my trunk

62. Sh*t Floats.

63. The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her.

64. A retarded gorilla.

65. Mexicans breed faster and you don’t get so attached to them.

66. “Yeah, that’s what Dad says too.”

67. His dick tasted like sh-t.

68. Getting the blood off your clown suit.

69. He’s too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.

70. Ice cweem!

71. The grip!

72. It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

73. Give them a basketball.

74. You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

75. Depends on how hard you throw them.

76. Dog sh-t turns white and stop stinking.

77. They both drip when they’re f**ked.

78. Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure.

79. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

80. God gave him his gas bill.

81. Being raped.

82. He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

83. An erection!

84. Rape.

85. “I have Down’s Syndrome.”

86. Connect the Dots.

87. Crib death.

88. Your Dad’s d–k tastes funny.

89. So he stabs her and steals her purse.

90. “Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I’ll come in your mouth!”

91. I don’t know, but it sure could pick a lot of cotton.

92. Too much work for the donkey.

93. Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny…

94. Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

95. A dead puppy.

96. Because I shot it in the face

97. Someone too lazy to steal.

98. A baby in a casserole.

99. How could anyone stoop so low?

100. A homesick abortion.

piercehawkeye45 · 07-29-2009, 04:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

I saw this and thought I'd like to share it. It's kind of funny so I thought this was the appropriate thread. This looks like a really fun wedding to be a part of.

One of my coworker's sister knows all those people who did that. Crazy.

TheMercenary · 07-29-2009, 09:17 AM

10 Ways to say I love you from around the world.

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese=20
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West
Virginia
Nice Tits

MoonFreckle · 07-29-2009, 09:25 AM

Music

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Wily Canuck · 07-30-2009, 06:38 AM

great...

Crimson Ghost · 07-31-2009, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFreckle

Music

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

That was you?

Radar · 08-01-2009, 04:52 PM

Two Canadians are ice fishing and they get bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of something difficult for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play.

"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"

xoxoxoBruce · 08-01-2009, 06:26 PM

1. I was walking through the cemetary this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said no just taking a shit.

2. My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs". She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you fucker," I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too painful."

3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" Because I am trying to examine you."

4. I was walking down the road today and saw my afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fuckin start?."

5. I parked in a disabled person's spot today and a cop yelled at me "Show me proof of your disability." I shouted back at him, "Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole."

plthijinx · 08-02-2009, 02:00 PM

hehehe

toranokaze · 08-05-2009, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Today, I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. FML

dar512 · 08-05-2009, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by plthijinx

hehehe

Great site. As big a time-waster as the lolcats site.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-06-2009, 01:01 AM

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

capnhowdy · 08-10-2009, 08:17 AM

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says ,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

20 The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.".

classicman · 08-12-2009, 02:58 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

07-28-2009, 01:13 PM	#2821
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Here's one of those Motivational Posters that have been floating all over the net. Got a good laugh out of this one. Kinda makes me wonder if I ain't wired right... you know? Attached Images

07-28-2009, 02:49 PM	#2822
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Punchlines 1. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby. 2. They both disappear after a hot shower. 3. I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. 4. A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven! 5. “I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy, and he threw up on me.” 6. You just KNOW she’ll swallow. 7. Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich! 8. Their hands makes your d–k look bigger! 9. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. 10. Hide his food stamps under his work boots. 11. The one that’s alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out. 12. Nothing! 13. They fell for that trick once already! 14. Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he’s thirteen. 15. None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it! 16. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old. 17. A baby in a microwave! 18. Not being retarded 19. Because the look on its face is priceless! 20. F–k her in the a–, then wipe your d–k on her teddy bear. 21. One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys! 22. Take a dump in her vagina. 23. Your bike. 24. Dress her up like an altar boy. 25. Cancer! 26. The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out 27. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 28. A pilot, you racist f–k! 29. Santa goes down the chimney. 30. It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 31. A Doberman in a playground. 32. 1. A “Thank You” card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from “Crimestoppers”. 33. Because I’m stronger than you. 34. Depends how hard you throw them. 35. Maggots! 36. All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border. 37. The little boy in the basement of my house! 38. A frog in a blender. 39. An inter-racial abortion! 40. They only had 2 trucks. 41. An Ethiopian eating a cornflake. 42. Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY 43. Brake her fingers so she can’t tell anyone. 44. They go back – but then the Jew sees a penny on the floor, tries to pick it up, and they both die. 45. Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole. 46. Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen. 47. One of the gay guys says, “Ok, who farted!?” 48. Can you put me up for the night? 49. “Out of what?” 50. You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg 51. Take your foot off his head! 52. None! What the f–k are they doing out of the kitchen!? 53. He breaks his nose. 54. They don’t f–king listen! 55. AIDS 56. I guess we don’t watch the same movies. 57. Nail one of its hands to the floor. 58. “Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushing my Marlboros.” 59. The lottery! 60. (Spread arms and look mopey) This much. 61. The 4-year-old in my trunk 62. Sht Floats. 63. The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her. 64. A retarded gorilla. 65. Mexicans breed faster and you don’t get so attached to them. 66. “Yeah, that’s what Dad says too.” 67. His dick tasted like sh-t. 68. Getting the blood off your clown suit. 69. He’s too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle. 70. Ice cweem! 71. The grip! 72. It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. 73. Give them a basketball. 74. You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork. 75. Depends on how hard you throw them. 76. Dog sh-t turns white and stop stinking. 77. They both drip when they’re f*ked. 78. Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure. 79. She burned her lips on the tailpipe. 80. God gave him his gas bill. 81. Being raped. 82. He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber. 83. An erection! 84. Rape. 85. “I have Down’s Syndrome.” 86. Connect the Dots. 87. Crib death. 88. Your Dad’s d–k tastes funny. 89. So he stabs her and steals her purse. 90. “Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I’ll come in your mouth!” 91. I don’t know, but it sure could pick a lot of cotton. 92. Too much work for the donkey. 93. Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny… 94. Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. 95. A dead puppy. 96. Because I shot it in the face 97. Someone too lazy to steal. 98. A baby in a casserole. 99. How could anyone stoop so low? 100. A homesick abortion. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-29-2009, 09:17 AM	#2824
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	10 Ways to say I love you from around the world. English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je T'aime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese=20 Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Lithuanian As Tave Meliu Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia Nice Tits __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

07-29-2009, 09:25 AM	#2825
MoonFreckle Aim 4 The Moon Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: at my computer Posts: 32	Music I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. __________________ "If all the worlds a stage, I want to operate the trap door!"

08-01-2009, 04:52 PM	#2828
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Two Canadians are ice fishing and they get bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of something difficult for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play. "OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?" The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it." The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?" __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

07-30-2009, 06:38 AM	#2826
Wily Canuck Kinda New Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 3	great...

08-01-2009, 06:26 PM	#2829
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	1. I was walking through the cemetary this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said no just taking a shit. 2. My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs". She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you fucker," I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too painful." 3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me" Because I am trying to examine you." 4. I was walking down the road today and saw my afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fuckin start?." 5. I parked in a disabled person's spot today and a cop yelled at me "Show me proof of your disability." I shouted back at him, "Tourettes syndrome. Now fuck off you asshole." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-02-2009, 02:00 PM	#2830
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	hehehe Attached Images __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

08-06-2009, 01:01 AM	#2833
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-10-2009, 08:17 AM	#2834
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says ,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 20 The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.". __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

08-12-2009, 02:58 PM	#2835
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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