Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 194

Pie · 11-06-2009, 09:54 AM

"Make it idiot-proof and they'll make a better idiot."

BrianR · 11-06-2009, 08:11 PM

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

Nirvana · 11-06-2009, 08:31 PM

Nirvana · 11-07-2009, 11:23 PM

Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim

Fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would

All be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

TheMercenary · 11-08-2009, 07:52 PM

Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that
can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social
breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.

Flint · 11-11-2009, 03:05 PM

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time.

Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. And they can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that they're in the middle of the chorus.

A few more tips:

Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips.

This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you.

If this happens, immediately cop an attitude.

They love this.

IMPORTANT:

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away.

This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.

They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

toranokaze · 11-11-2009, 03:16 PM

And this is the story of how Flint got me band from the opera house forever.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-11-2009, 03:32 PM

Always go for the drummer... they have the drugs, an excess of groupies they'll share, and don't mind if you puke on their shoes.

BrianR · 11-11-2009, 11:32 PM

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Sheldonrs · 11-12-2009, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianR

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Well, I've always thought that if you want to get the snakes to cum back, you need the right licker.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-14-2009, 11:23 PM

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

toranokaze · 11-15-2009, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Best music joke on this thread

xoxoxoBruce · 11-16-2009, 12:12 AM

Thank you, I knew I was risking WTFs and derision when I posted it, but figured the people that appreciated it, would really appreciate it.

ZenGum · 11-15-2009, 12:04 AM

:head spinning:

plthijinx · 11-15-2009, 03:32 AM

*don't read bruce's jokes afthter seberal berrsth.*

11-06-2009, 09:54 AM	#1
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	"Make it idiot-proof and they'll make a better idiot." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-06-2009, 08:11 PM	#2
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Hotel Bill Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-06-2009, 08:31 PM	#3
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	__________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-07-2009, 11:23 PM	#4
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim Fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would All be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-08-2009, 07:52 PM	#5
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Apple does it again! Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

11-11-2009, 03:05 PM	#6
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	TALKING WITH THE BAND The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time. Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. And they can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that they're in the middle of the chorus. A few more tips: Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. They love this. IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

11-11-2009, 03:16 PM	#7
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	And this is the story of how Flint got me band from the opera house forever. __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

11-11-2009, 03:32 PM	#8
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Always go for the drummer... they have the drugs, an excess of groupies they'll share, and don't mind if you puke on their shoes. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-11-2009, 11:32 PM	#9
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-14-2009, 11:23 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-16-2009, 12:12 AM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Thank you, I knew I was risking WTFs and derision when I posted it, but figured the people that appreciated it, would really appreciate it. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-15-2009, 12:04 AM	#14
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	:head spinning: __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-15-2009, 03:32 AM	#15
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	don't read bruce's jokes afthter seberal berrsth. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

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