Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 195

Shawnee123 · 11-15-2009, 09:49 AM

Wet Dream lyrics
Kip Addotta 1984

(Bruce's joke reminded me of this song)

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was
overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay
pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

CHORUS:
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
I gullied up to the sandbar
He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
mako
I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the
halibut

Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
what sole
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted
Evening"
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving ME the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
You know -- a piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"

CHORUS

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling
around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was
already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
"What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"

CHORUS

Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams

Radar · 11-15-2009, 06:43 PM

Of the same genre...I heard this on Dr. Demento years ago. It's from the Candy Rapper.

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar.

So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too).

She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

jujuwwhite · 11-16-2009, 03:07 AM

The Value of a Catholic Education and a #2 pencil......

Little Susie was not the best student in the Catholic School, she usually slept through class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, Johnny took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear, "God Almighty!" shouted Susie. "Very good" replied the nun as she went on teaching. Later she asked Susie, "who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again Susie was sleeping so Johnny took his pencil and again stabbed her rear. "Jesus Christ!" Susie shouted. The nun replied, "Very good, Susie". Susie soon fell back asleep. The nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue and stabbed Susie with his pencil. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!" The nun fainted!

dar512 · 11-16-2009, 09:48 AM

I do like that joke, Bruce. I liked it back here, too.

http://cellar.org/showpost.php?p=224364&postcount=822

capnhowdy · 11-16-2009, 11:27 AM

lol @ juju.

classicman · 11-17-2009, 09:02 PM

Sorry had a bunch of tabs open . . . I moved it.

monster · 11-18-2009, 07:29 AM

I've done that way too many times!

plthijinx · 11-19-2009, 07:03 PM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

ZenGum · 11-19-2009, 10:18 PM

Paraphrasing Rod (or Tod) Flanders:

Did Cain and Abel make babies with each other, or with their mommy Eve?

Radar · 11-20-2009, 09:00 AM

This video is TIGHT.

TheMercenary · 11-23-2009, 08:07 AM

The Worlds Shortest Books
______________________________________________

WHAT I DID TO EARN A NOBEL PRIZE
By Barack Obama

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

By Hillary Clinton

________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

By Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

By Dr. J. Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......

By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

By Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

By Bill Clinton with introduction

By the Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________________________________

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

By Nancy Pelosi
____________________________________

Spexxvet · 11-23-2009, 08:25 AM

The Worlds Shortest Books

How to divorce your wife with class
By Newt Gingrich

Everything I Know
By Themercenary

Ways we won a war, or two
By GW Bush & Donald Rummsfeld

Ways to preserve American Freedoms
By GW Bush

How to create a healthy economy
GW Bush

Trilby · 11-23-2009, 08:35 AM

Emma - that is CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! thanks! after the 'stuck it in the wrong hole' video I really needed that!

capnhowdy · 11-23-2009, 11:48 AM

I don't see why everybody got so upset when Hussein Obama won the Nobel without having done anything important..... Hell..... he was elected president by the same principals.

john bainz · 11-24-2009, 02:00 AM

I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.

11-15-2009, 09:49 AM	#1
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Wet Dream lyrics Kip Addotta 1984 (Bruce's joke reminded me of this song) It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year I was driving in downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating So I pulled into a Shell station They said I'd blown a seal I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster bar -- a real dive But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins I said, "Hi, Gil!!!" You hafta yell, he's hard of herring CHORUS: Think I had a wet dream Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Wet dream... Gil was also down on his luck Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise I was feeling good I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the halibut Well, the place was crowded We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted Evening" And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving ME the eye So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink She drank like a... she drank A LOT... I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium" I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!" CHORUS I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line "Not tonight -- I got a haddock" And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike He was covered with mussels He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling around here" What a crab This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was already on the phone to the cods The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook He eels over It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel Kelpless I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon" Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?" I said, "Marlin" CHORUS Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner I took her to dance I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

11-16-2009, 09:48 AM	#4
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	I do like that joke, Bruce. I liked it back here, too. http://cellar.org/showpost.php?p=224364&postcount=822 __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

11-16-2009, 11:27 AM	#5
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	lol @ juju. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

11-17-2009, 09:02 PM	#6
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Sorry had a bunch of tabs open . . . I moved it. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-18-2009, 07:29 AM	#7
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I've done that way too many times! __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

11-15-2009, 06:43 PM	#2
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Of the same genre...I heard this on Dr. Demento years ago. It's from the Candy Rapper. It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-16-2009, 03:07 AM	#3
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	The Value of a Catholic Education and a #2 pencil...... Little Susie was not the best student in the Catholic School, she usually slept through class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, Johnny took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear, "God Almighty!" shouted Susie. "Very good" replied the nun as she went on teaching. Later she asked Susie, "who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again Susie was sleeping so Johnny took his pencil and again stabbed her rear. "Jesus Christ!" Susie shouted. The nun replied, "Very good, Susie". Susie soon fell back asleep. The nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue and stabbed Susie with his pencil. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!" The nun fainted!

11-19-2009, 07:03 PM	#8
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

11-19-2009, 10:18 PM	#9
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Paraphrasing Rod (or Tod) Flanders: Did Cain and Abel make babies with each other, or with their mommy Eve? __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-20-2009, 09:00 AM	#10
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	This video is TIGHT. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-23-2009, 08:07 AM	#11
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	The Worlds Shortest Books ______________________________________________ WHAT I DID TO EARN A NOBEL PRIZE By Barack Obama ______________________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton ________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES By Dr. J. Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ...... By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS By Bill Clinton with introduction By the Rev. Jesse Jackson ____________________________________ Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy By Nancy Pelosi ____________________________________ __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

11-23-2009, 08:25 AM	#12
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	The Worlds Shortest Books How to divorce your wife with class By Newt Gingrich Everything I Know By Themercenary Ways we won a war, or two By GW Bush & Donald Rummsfeld Ways to preserve American Freedoms By GW Bush How to create a healthy economy GW Bush __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

11-23-2009, 08:35 AM	#13
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Emma - that is CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! thanks! after the 'stuck it in the wrong hole' video I really needed that!

11-23-2009, 11:48 AM	#14
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	I don't see why everybody got so upset when Hussein Obama won the Nobel without having done anything important..... Hell..... he was elected president by the same principals. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

11-24-2009, 02:00 AM	#15
john bainz Mystical Miscreant Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 46	I'm not so sure I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.

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