Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 197

Pie · 10-16-2009, 12:45 AM

xoxoxoBruce · 10-16-2009, 01:11 AM

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.”
The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”
“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week…. from my dog’s vet.”

Trilby · 10-16-2009, 08:39 AM

No shit, Sure Lock!

Clodfobble · 10-18-2009, 04:34 PM

True story:

Today, I heard an educated, middle-class man I know say the following:

"There is just so much suffering going on in these Third World countries, and you know, honestly, even the two-thirds countries are having a tough time..."

I'm so blessed to live in the 3/3rds World. USA #1! Nyuck nyuck nyuck...

skysidhe · 10-20-2009, 09:57 AM

funny

Sheldonrs · 10-27-2009, 01:34 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O96U...om=PL&index=18

I don't know if it's been posted before but enjoy it again if it has!

Radar · 10-27-2009, 02:11 PM

Thanks Sheldonrs.

classicman · 10-29-2009, 09:01 AM

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

.

TheMercenary · 10-29-2009, 10:23 AM

HALLOWEEN COSTUME

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

spudcon · 10-29-2009, 01:24 PM

How to keep up with the Jones' this Christmas.

spudcon · 10-29-2009, 01:26 PM

Crime prevention.

lumberjim · 10-29-2009, 01:55 PM

priest and a rabbi sitting on a park bench......young innocent looking boy walks past in short pants.

The Priest mutters, "forgive me lord, but I want to fuck him" The rabbi overhears him and asks, "out of what?"

Clodfobble · 10-30-2009, 11:36 PM

.

Shawnee123 · 10-31-2009, 10:09 AM

Haggis!

Nirvana · 11-05-2009, 11:30 AM

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Gored" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"

10-16-2009, 12:45 AM	#2941
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	__________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-16-2009, 01:11 AM	#2942
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	THIS IS NOT THE POLITICS THREAD, PEOPLE. A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.” The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?” “Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week…. from my dog’s vet.” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-16-2009, 08:39 AM	#2943
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	No shit, Sure Lock! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-18-2009, 04:34 PM	#2944
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	True story: Today, I heard an educated, middle-class man I know say the following: "There is just so much suffering going on in these Third World countries, and you know, honestly, even the two-thirds countries are having a tough time..." I'm so blessed to live in the 3/3rds World. USA #1! Nyuck nyuck nyuck... __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-20-2009, 09:57 AM	#2945
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	funny Attached Images

10-27-2009, 01:34 PM	#2946
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	One of the funniest youtube videos I've ever seen! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O96U...om=PL&index=18 I don't know if it's been posted before but enjoy it again if it has! __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

10-27-2009, 02:11 PM	#2947
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Thanks Sheldonrs. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-29-2009, 09:01 AM	#2948
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Priest and Rabbi on Temptation A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?” . __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2009, 10:23 AM	#2949
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	HALLOWEEN COSTUME A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-29-2009, 01:24 PM	#2950
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	How to keep up with the Jones' this Christmas. Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

10-29-2009, 01:26 PM	#2951
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	Crime prevention. Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

10-29-2009, 01:55 PM	#2952
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	priest and a rabbi sitting on a park bench......young innocent looking boy walks past in short pants. The Priest mutters, "forgive me lord, but I want to fuck him" The rabbi overhears him and asks, "out of what?" __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-30-2009, 11:36 PM	#2953
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	. Attached Images __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-31-2009, 10:09 AM	#2954
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Haggis! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

11-05-2009, 11:30 AM	#2955
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Gored" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

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