Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

HA HA HA - very good.

[plthijinx]

SMART KID


A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."


"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get
him in the course."


So his father sends the dog $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.


"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."


"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"


"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
all excited.


"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me
and asked, 'So,is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead
barmaid at the pub?'"


The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that b*st*rd before he
talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"
No need to tell you the kid went on to be a successful lawyer

[plthijinx]

Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
-----------------------------------------------------
Italian Food
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.
The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said.
"I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Loss
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization.
At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.
Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

[xoxoxoBruce]

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... c'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean... Jean... ze re is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay!"
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"

[plthijinx]

...

[plthijinx]

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[TheMercenary]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[TheMercenary]

How I learned to mind my own business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the

patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the

planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.


Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14...14...14!

[mititelu]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?’ He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Radar]

IT people have been saying ID 10 T for a long time. Or PEBCAK - Problem exists between chair and keyboard.

A Novell guy I used to know would charge people 30 minutes on invoices for D.E.U. and they never questioned it. He told me it stood for Dumb End User.

[Pie]

"Make it idiot-proof and they'll make a better idiot."

[BrianR]

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

[Nirvana]

[Nirvana]

Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim

Fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would

All be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by mititelu

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?’ He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric, the little bastard

ha ha little punk * smile*