What do you do about dishonest family?

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by busterb

Hi-jack, sorry
Where? Not that it matters, sure he gave up on me long ago.

Shite! Now I have to research....

And! I will!

Though noodle will know this better than I know it.

It's from my Southern Baptist phase.

Don't be all smirky about it, either. I also had a Jewish phase, a Lutheran phase and a Course in Miracles phase.


many, many phases...probably too many.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Apparently when she saw my bill she decided it was time to get back at me. (I had called the police on her last year because she had an outstanding warrant and had been particularly awful at the time. She is still mad at me for that.)

Uh, your thinking like a sister. Not revenge, but money, a target, a mark, is what she sees you as, not a sister.

When you're both at Grandma's, is there (was there) open hostility or everybody play nice-nice in front of Grandma?
Is there any way to find out if she's into grandma's accounts/savings/medications, or just stealing things that aren't nailed down?

The first order of business is to protect yourself. Of course, I'd be in her face like a strong wind, but you have to be you.
The second order of business would be to protect Grandma, if you can. You know she will screw grandma if she has a chance.
Did she drive you out so she could claim Grandma's house, when she goes?

Their is such a thing as alienation of affection, even among adults. Sis may be taking one hundred dollar wads of bills from Gram's purse with the one hand and using the other to soothe Gram's fevered brow. She may be telling Gram any number of outrageous lies about you, and how SIS really loves Gram - not you. After all, look at how you are "deserting" Gram.

If the rest of the family is functional enough, you might have a meeting with them and express your concerns. Maybe, all of you can get SIS thrown out of the picture. There is also something called Adult Protect Services (or some variant) in each state. They watch dog cases exactly like the one going on in your family. It might not hurt to call your local social services and get some info - for future use, at least.

[yesman065]

Intervention!!!!!

[Iggy]

Bruce, the environment around my gma depends on how I act. Usually I don't say anything to her and it is "play nice-nice around gma." But if I even say one sentence about how she behaves or things she does, she blows up. She pulls the "you think I am going to steal from you? Fine! I will show you what real stealing is!" or "You just don't want me here! I'm leaving!" and so many other things. She always pulls the crying trick, which sometimes works on my grandmother.

My gma will not tell her that she needs to leave because she doesn't want Nicole on the streets. And yes, she basically drove me out of my gma's house so that she could claim it. But she isn't getting anything when gma dies.

My aunt is in the process of building a house, and as soon as it is done gma will move in with her and they will sell gma's house. My sister is not welcome in aunt's house, so she will have to find somewhere else to live. She will most likely move to Texas where her boyfriend (who she cheats on constantly) lives with his parents.

So I might just be overly concerned with something that will resolve it self in a few months. We will have to see what happens when the house is built. My sister knows that she will have to find a place to live. She can always crash with her drug dealer buddies anyway, so I don't think she is too concerned.

We are pretty sure gma isn't being stolen from, at least at the extent that I have been. She hides her medicine, and if she leaves the house she takes it with her. Since her pain medication is a narcotic she counts the pills so she should know if some were missing. She also balances her checkbook and keeps close tabs on her one credit card because she owns a residential home and needs to check to see what is for the business and what is personal for her CPA.

But, if Nicole is doing little stuff, then it is possible my gma just wouldn't tell me. She knows how pissed I get when I find out she is taking advantage of gma. I wouldn't put it past gma to just not tell me if sister was doing that just to avoid the conflict. But I hope nothing is happening... she tends to take most of her agression and whatnot out on me. But that is to be expected. I am one of the only people that just won't put up with her crap.

[Iggy]

Oh, and I imagine she is probably telling gma lies about me. But from talking to gma, she doesn't believe it. So I am not too worried about that. As long as gma and I know the truth, she can lie all she wants.

I'm rooting for all of you for her move to the aunt's house. I hope it goes well and your aunt does the right thing.

Does my heart good not to see the normal, counterproductive, "all we really have is family" BS in here...

As always, great site, great people.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sounds like you and Grandma have got a handle on the big stuff anyway....and a light at the end of the tunnel that's not a freight train coming at ya.

Be sure to stay on top of your credit rating and I'd get rid of that card, just to be safe. You can get another one she doesn't have the info on.

They say you can choose your friends but not your relatives. Ok, but you can damn well choose if your relatives will be counted among you're friends.

[zippyt]

They say you can choose your friends but not your relatives. Ok, but you can damn well choose if your relatives will be counted among you're friends.

Here Here !!! Well said Bruce !!!
I feel for ya Iggy as I have Family that I haven't been in contact with for a few years now , its like a pit of sorrow ( their life ) of their OWN makeing , I reached a point where I had been scammed to much , taken advantage of TOO much , I just reached a point where I don't answer ANY phone calls from Any body on that side of the family !!!
Stay strong , DON'T play her game , protect Gma !!!

[wolf]

Originally Posted by yesman065

Intervention!!!!!

No, no, a thousand times no.

Doesn't work. Putting someone with a lifetime's worth of defense mechanisms on the defensive? Might as well build a wall around an already well-defended castle.

[Beestie]

Originally Posted by wolf

No, no, a thousand times no.

Doesn't work. Putting someone with a lifetime's worth of defense mechanisms on the defensive? Might as well build a wall around an already well-defended castle.

Not disagreeing but sometimes an intervention is beneficial to the victims - if they band together to cut off the supply line of enabling then they effectively form an on-the-spot support group to lend each other strength as the addict goes from one person to another in search of a consequence deferral unit.

[wolf]

The family should have an established game plan to the extent that they are on the same page with respect to how they will respond to the intended patient, what they will offer in terms of "help" (anything other than, "No, I'm not giving you money to buy drugs with" is not "help"), having available the information on how to get into treatment.

Everybody sitting in the living room while you tell the junkie how they have hurt you and why they suck? That's the part that doesn't work out well. First off, as pointed out, junkies love drugs more than they love any person, no matter what words come out of their mouths.

Berating someone into getting help isn't very useful, as far as I'm concerned. It lacks that key piece of "taking reponsibility for yourself," which is, admittedly, one of the hardest parts of getting clean.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yes Wolf, but don't overlook the value of a lynching.

[Iggy]

Well, my sis has gotten better with the drugs (at least as far as I can see) so now it is just that she is still in drug addict mode. I no longer see her high all the time, but she still acts like a drug addict which makes me think she is still using. So we can't really band together to tell her to go into treatment because it seems that the drugs aren't as bad.

But I do know she drinks 2-3 times a week (at least) and smokes pot all the time. Her drug of choice was coke or crystal meth. She would shoot up coke, and I am pretty sure she took meth pills. She has done everything under the Sun though. She doesn't consider pot to be a real drug, so therefore she will never quit.

What I'm trying to get at is we (my family not including my sis) need to decide what we want to do about her stealing and lying and all of the other shit that goes along with her problems. She always seems to go back to the drugs so I have no doubt that is what she will do, but for now her destructive behavor is what needs to be controlled.

My aunt, uncle, gma, me, and my sis were all supposed to get toghether this weekend but things were so busy we didn't have a chance. We need to do it soon though because Thanksgiving is next week and we need to figure out a plan of action for it.

Sis was in jail from June 2005 to January 2006 (her longest sentence) for some kind of petty theft or drug charge or something. The judge that sentenced her told her that the offence didn't warrent that harsh of a sentence, but she obviously didn't care. In her first court hearing with that particular judge she was high on meth, pot, and she was drunk. But she actually still went to court! I think the sentence was acutally 1 year and 145 days but she got out for good behavior or some crap like that.

While she was in jail she cleaned up her habit for the most part, but she still uses from time to time and she still acts like a drug addict which is the most telling to me. She probably uses a lot more than I know, but at least she doesn't show up high as a kite anymore. My gma basically told her last year before she went to jail that she was not to be using at her house. And for the most part she doesn't. But that doesn't stop her from all of the other crap she does.

Anyways, thanks for your advice. I just got my statement for the credit card that she stole, and apparently she spent $142 the day I found out about the fraud right before I canceled the card. That puts her total spending at $455.19 (I added it up today). I couldn't sleep last night I was so upset about her other spending. I know I shouldn't be, but each time I learn more about it or have to do more concerning it, it just upsets me. But it helps a lot that I can vent here. Thanks.

[Iggy]

And Wolf, she is very defensive anyway so I agree that an intervention wouldn't do any good. But we still need to have a game plan for how we are going to treat her and what we will let her do since she is so destructive to everyone surrounding her. I would rather sis not be there for the discussion on how we want to handle the family gatherings (among other things) because she will just cry and yell and scream, and that makes if very difficult to have a civilized conversation. But the rest of the family wants her there so she knows what is going on, so she will be there.