The Double-Standard Rant

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

I will call "bitch" in a very reasonable way if it is the third time or so that I have pointed the game out, as in... "you are starting to be a bitch about this, any idea why?"

Yeah, I view bitching as a verb as different than being a bitch. As with any word, it's context. I can joke with friends "you bitch" but I was talking about abusive behavior.

Amazing how words can hurt.

You are cool as well

[Aliantha]

Game playing sux. I just asked my husband if he thinks I ever do it and he says never, although he did point out that I sulk, but he always knows what I'm sulking about. He also added that it doesn't usually last long.

[SteveDallas]

Well my pet peeve about "communication" is not being taken at my word. I'm an introverted kind of guy -- INTJ if you want to get specific. If I don't have anything to say about something, I don't have anything to say. If I decide that I don't have an overwhelming desire to do something, but I've decided I'm going to do it (for whatever reason), you're going to have to be satisfied with that and not continue to try to convert me into a zealot. If I say I don't care what color the living room is painted, then I really don't have a preference.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yes, yes, Steve, absolutely.
I do not want to hear any sentence starting with, "I thought you really meant...."

[lookout123]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Game playing sux. I just asked my husband if he thinks I ever do it and he says never, although he did point out that I sulk, but he always knows what I'm sulking about. He also added that it doesn't usually last long.

you asked him the emotional equivalent of "do these pants make my ass look fat?" of course, he would say no. everyone plays games of a sort, at times. the only two ways that can work long term are A) if both partners enjoy the game and find that their games are compatible, B) if the relationship is honest enough that each partner is confident in their ability to throw the bullshit flag as game playing becomes evident.

So the question you have to ask is, "which category explains my relationship?"

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

You are NOT a goddess or princess...

Some of us are.

Lol... preach on sister!

[Trilby]

[Iggy]

Well, I am also one of those women that doesn't like to play games. I can be unclear about things and then expect him to know, but if he points that out to me I am more than happy to take the responsibility for it. That is pretty much the extent of my accidental game playing. We both will call bullshit on the other if there is any games being played.

If I have a problem with something, I will tell him. And if I am not clear about it then I won't let myself be upset about it. It was my own fault in that case. We are all human and make mistakes.

The only thing that gets to me is if I say "honey, would you please take out the trash?" or something similar and he says yes but then doesn't do it for several days in a row. If he knows he isn't going to do it, he should say so, and I tell him as much. But lately he has been really stressed so I let things like that slide. I wouldn't be thinking very clearly if I was him, so I can't expect him to be super-human.

Communication is key, as I always say. Pretty much every time we have been upset with the other one is when there was a lack of communication. But practice makes perfect!

[Aliantha]

lookout, I don't think you can make that judgement call on my realtionship. Hubby and I tend to be honest with each other about what's pissing us off and game playing doesn't come into it in any way.

I already knew I didn't play mind games, but I asked him for his perspective and got the answer I expected.

Why is it hard to believe there'd be no game playing?

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well, I am also one of those women that doesn't like to play games. I can be unclear about things and then expect him to know, but if he points that out to me I am more than happy to take the responsibility for it. That is pretty much the extent of my accidental game playing. We both will call bullshit on the other if there is any games being played.

If I have a problem with something, I will tell him. And if I am not clear about it then I won't let myself be upset about it. It was my own fault in that case. We are all human and make mistakes.

The only thing that gets to me is if I say "honey, would you please take out the trash?" or something similar and he says yes but then doesn't do it for several days in a row. If he knows he isn't going to do it, he should say so, and I tell him as much. But lately he has been really stressed so I let things like that slide. I wouldn't be thinking very clearly if I was him, so I can't expect him to be super-human.

Communication is key, as I always say. Pretty much every time we have been upset with the other one is when there was a lack of communication. But practice makes perfect!

Guys can get distracted easily...

[lookout123]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Why is it hard to believe there'd be no game playing?

sorry, didn't mean to insult. i'm just saying that, at times, everyone slips into a game, whether intentionally or not. healthy relationships are relationships where it is ok to throw the BS flag. it's possible that you and i have different definitions of game playing as well.

[Clodfobble]

Keep in mind it's also possible to slip into an "anti-game game." For example: Husband leaves dirty clothes on the floor. Wife gets pissed, Husband accuses her of playing games because she can't "expect him to read her mind," she should have asked him to pick up his clothes if that's what she wanted. Except it is a known fact that Wife never wants clothes left on the floor, thus Husband is intentionally playing dumb by requiring her to ask before he'll take action on his own.

Clearly communicating what you want is one thing, but shouldn't there be a limit as to how many times you have to communicate it before the other person is expected to remember it?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Clearly communicating what you want is one thing, but shouldn't there be a limit as to how many times you have to communicate it before the other person is expected to remember it?

That's easy.....once. After that, they may forget to do it, but never...ever...claim they didn't know what you want. Ever.

[Aliantha]

Ok...here's how we handle the clothes on the floor issue.

Hubby left clothes lying around the floor before he knew me.

Clothes lying on the floor is no issue for him, but it pisses me off.

Should he have to pick up his clothes just to please me when for himself it doesn't matter?

Mostly he doesn't. He just leaves them in a pile next to his side of the bed. Now and then he surprises me by putting all his clothes away and that's always nice and he does it for my benefit not his.

My thoughts on this: Why should he have to change the way he's always been just for my benefit? Do they harm me on the floor? Nope. Does he leave them all over the house? Nope, just next to his bed. Is it nice when he does decide to clean them up? You bet it is. Do I expect it to ever be done? Not on my life.

I don't expect him to be perfect or to read my mind. If one of us is unhappy with something we say so and we never EVER argue about something that was an issue the last time we had an argument. To me, that's a lot healthier than hanging onto other shit from the past and using it as ammo next time you get pissed off with one another.

Do I think our relationship is perfect? Not for anyone else, but for us it is.

n.b. Perfect doesn't mean that we don't have issues, just that the way we work them out works perfectly for us, and that's what being in a relationship is all about as far as I'm concerned. If you expect it to be all peaches and cream you should also expect it to end right about the time the endorphins stop floating around and it's time to seriously consider where things are going.