Abusive boyfriend...

[wolf]

The user-title under your name changes based on your number of posts. It's fun to see what each step gives you. The title changes faster at the bottom of the pile, until you work your way up into Master Dwellar categories.

It's not unusual for folks here to be a mite wary of newcomers.

I like that you're focused on hope. That's a big quality for me. That and compassion, because hope without compassion is empty.

[Clodfobble]

If you want to be happy, that's good. This "boyfriend" is actively making you unhappy. You seem to have no kids, and no material possessions that might scare you from losing your lifestyle. So just walk out on this guy. I'm sure your therapist (or whoever the professional help is) has been telling you this already, right?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by pensive pam

... I believe that verbal violence is worse than physical. ... So let him make fun of me because I am deaf.

How long have you been with this boyfriend?

[pensive pam]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I am unemployed as I said, so it is very difficult for me to leave him, as he pays for most things. I will admit, I feel like a whore taking what he gives,...but for now it is all I've got...

[Clodfobble]

How old are you?

[pensive pam]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

How old are you?

I am 22, yet at times feel so much older. I am so tired; and at times I feel as though I can't continue. I guess this is just the way it has to be for me...despite my hope that things will change.

I just wish I were loved...

Always - Pam

[pensive pam]

Originally Posted by wolf

The user-title under your name changes based on your number of posts. It's fun to see what each step gives you. The title changes faster at the bottom of the pile, until you work your way up into Master Dwellar categories.

It's not unusual for folks here to be a mite wary of newcomers.

I like that you're focused on hope. That's a big quality for me. That and compassion, because hope without compassion is empty.

Thank you Mr. Wolf. I don't seem to be too popular here, as I have not received any messages. So sad, but I guess that is my life...

[DanaC]

Sounds terribly cliched I know, but you have to start first by loving yourself. Pinning all your hopes on finding true love is a sure fire way of being hurt in life. It hands way too much power to other people and makes you far too vulnerable to emotional harm.

Have you explored other options besides continuing with your boyfriend? He sounds very bad for you. You deserve better than to be someone else's emotional punching bag, we all do. Better to be alone than with someone who actively makes you unhappy.

Welcome to the Cellar

Also, seriously, don't assess your welcome based on how many messages you get. That's just not how it works.

[pensive pam]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Sounds terribly cliched I know, but you have to start first by loving yourself. Pinning all your hopes on finding true love is a sure fire way of being hurt in life. It hands way too much power to other people and makes you far too vulnerable to emotional harm.

Have you explored other options besides continuing with your boyfriend? He sounds very bad for you. You deserve better than to be someone else's emotional punching bag, we all do. Better to be alone than with someone who actively makes you unhappy.

Welcome to the Cellar

Also, seriously, don't assess your welcome based on how many messages you get. That's just not how it works.

I am working on leaving him. And it is very painful, but I know I must. What you have said is very true. Perhaps, I have just lost faith in this world. I often wonder where was God on 911??? I am simply very, very lost right now...and no one can help me. I understand that. The only time I am not miserable is when I am sleeping... take care, Pam.

[DanaC]

You are very young to be 'stuck' in life. On the one hand that makes it worse, because you haven't had much time to learn the tricks of survival. On the other hand there is an advantage in that being 'stuck is pretty illusory when you are young.

About the only thing you can truly be sure of in life is that things change. You're at a very early stage of your journey and you are feeling defeated. There will be other stages of that journey where you'll feel triumph, or contentment.

The world is neither as bleak as your darkest moments would have you believe, nor as shiny as your brightest would have it.

[pensive pam]

Originally Posted by DanaC

You are very young to be 'stuck' in life. On the one hand that makes it worse, because you haven't had much time to learn the tricks of survival. On the other hand there is an advantage in that being 'stuck is pretty illusory when you are young.

About the only thing you can truly be sure of in life is that things change. You're at a very early stage of your journey and you are feeling defeated. There will be other stages of that journey where you'll feel triumph, or contentment.

The world is neither as bleak as your darkest moments would have you believe, nor as shiny as your brightest would have it.

Again, thank you for your kind words. I am still getting familar with this site. How did you know how to find me??? I've just been through so much tragedy in my life. My mother died while giving birth to me. I am working on forgiving myself, and it is the hardest thing to do. She gave her life, so that I could have mine. And now I realize that I am so miserable that she is the one that should have lived...not me. I recently took a flight, and I was actually hoping the plane would crash and kill me...

[DanaC]

Right. I have two instinctive and conflicting responses to your post. The first is to step away, and echo others' suggestions that you need professional help. Not judging you; just saying that this sounds deep-seated and complex, and you probably need better and more inciteful guidance than can be garnered from a stranger on a message board.

The other conflicting response, is to tackle this issue of blame for your mother's death. In order to feel the need to forgive yourself, you must have attached blame and responsibility to your infant self. It is not reasonable to think that a baby can bear any kind of responsibility for the death of the mother carryng it. I find it worrying that you have taken this blame onto your shoulders. It has no place there. It is not yours to carry.

[footfootfoot]

I have a third instinctive response to PP's post, and that is my bullshit meter is in the red.

I suspect if bullshit were music she'd be a brass band.

But three cheers for credulous dwellars willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[pensive pam]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Right. I have two instinctive and conflicting responses to your post. The first is to step away, and echo others' suggestions that you need professional help. Not judging you; just saying that this sounds deep-seated and complex, and you probably need better and more inciteful guidance than can be garnered from a stranger on a message board.

The other conflicting response, is to tackle this issue of blame for your mother's death. In order to feel the need to forgive yourself, you must have attached blame and responsibility to your infant self. It is not reasonable to think that a baby can bear any kind of responsibility for the death of the mother carryng it. I find it worrying that you have taken this blame onto your shoulders. It has no place there. It is not yours to carry.

You always know just what to say...and it is comforting. I am seeking professional thereapy, and I am on various types of medication. I am a mess; and I do not know how I became a mess at the age of 22...but so be it. When the plane hit turbulence, I was happy, as other passengers where panicking. I wanted the plane to end my very existence. Landing safely on the ground was sad...

[DanaC]

I was ignoring my bullshitometer on the grounds that, if she is playing us and we credulously take her seriously the ramifications of that are quite minor. If she is telling the truth and we shoot her down, the ramifications of that are potentially less minor.

I'd rather take a gamble on someone being who they say they are and be proved wrong once in a while, than assume shennanigans too easily and greet a genuine arrival with cynicism as default.