You're my best friend

[limey]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

It's nowhere near as painful as what you're going through, but I've been struggling recently with the loss of an old best friend as well. She took me on as a teenager and made me who I am today, no exaggeration. She was the matron of honor at my wedding, and one of only two best friends I've ever had. But over the last several years she has made it pretty clear that she has moved on, and I have had a very hard time accepting that. In this, Mr. Clod has been the voice of reason for me, so I'll just have to channel him since I'm not so good at embracing the following yet myself:

Do you have friends now? You do. (I have only a guess about who you are, but still I know for certain that you have friends, because you are here.)

Are you holding onto the friend, or the idea of the friend, the person she used to be?

Isn't it true that actually, that memory-friend has been gone for a long time?

Would it be fair to say that, by trying to hold on to her, you might as well be asking a completely different person to play her part--akin to going to a funeral and asking the deceased's sister to pretend to be her, for your sake?

And if you are prepared to ask a completely different person to play her part... couldn't the role be taken on by a new friend, after all?


Anyway, just some stuff that's been percolating in my own mind...

Clod, these words are very helpful to me. As I posted in another thread I, too, have lost the woman I thought of as my best friend, my chosen sister. She moved away about a year ago and for the first time in forty years I do not know where she is. No Christmas card from her and her family. Gone.
We went through a lot together, and it hurts that she's gone. But I have to accept that. All relationships require the voluntary engagement of those in them. Anon, you are in the same boat as Clod and myself, and Sundae. We have to accept the loss, mourn and move on.

[classicman]

Originally Posted by limey

All relationships require the voluntary engagement of those in them.
We have to accept the loss, mourn and move on.

Recently realized the first about many people I thought were friends. Odd that when I stopped reaching out to them and/or helping when they wanted ... the reciprocal calls never came. People are ______ . sometimes.

The second, sux, but dealing with it is very insightful.

[Sundae]

My bestie moved to Kenya. I still miss her.
And she's nowhere I can't track her down now (they no longer own the restaurant.)

Miss that bitch like oxygen, even though we haven't spoken for nesrly five years. Or more. Not gonna count, would hurt too much. She got me through some cold hard times, was beautiful and funny.

Emma Geary I miss you.
In the vague hope she vanity searches one day.

[orthodoc]

Change is hard, but it can bring better things. I hope you feel the warmth and support here. Hang in there.

[Pico and ME]

The woman, who I thought was my best friend, isn't talking to me at all anymore, and after two attempts, I have stopped trying to communicate with her. She is my brother's wife and the both of them have seemed to have cut me, and my Mom , out of their lives. This happened this summer after I got into a tiff with my brother and then, later the same day, my Mom decided to tell my three brothers that she is willing her house to me. Andy and Isa were the only ones greatly upset by her decision. We havent heard from them since.

I am now both sad and angry, but for the first month I was wracked with guilt and kept trying to convince myself to apologize for the whole mess. However, that would have just recycled the old script that I have played with them for years. So I didnt.

Sometime down the road, we may talk again.

[Aliantha]

Yeah, I've found this too classic. If you're always the one doing the calling and making the effort, try stopping and see what happens.

chances are the friendship will end and they'll blame you because 'you stopped calling'.

[Nirvana]

Anon
If you have compassion for others spare some for yourself. Some changes are only assumed to be painful. In the end it will all work out. It always does....

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Yeah, I've found this too classic. If you're always the one doing the calling and making the effort, try stopping and see what happens.

chances are the friendship will end and they'll blame you because 'you stopped calling'.

This could also be the difference between an introvert and an extrovert, not necessarily an indication of the strength of freindship.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by glatt

This could also be the difference between an introvert and an extrovert, not necessarily an indication of the strength of freindship.

This

I have lost friends by being the one who doesnt phone. I always blame myself not them for that.

[ZenGum]

I went and split a shit-ton of firewood and helped carry, stack and bundle it for a local state park. I'm one hella sore man right now, but inside, I feel good. If I can get outta bed in the am, I'll head over and do it again.

Ahh, the good old "OGG MAD!!! OGG SMASH!!!" form of therapy. Done in a way to also be useful and productive. Well played indeed.

I should probably go and do something like that myself.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Ahh, the good old "OGG MAD!!! OGG SMASH!!!" form of therapy...

Don't forget "OGG VORBIS!!!".