Humor...I Need Humor...

[jinx]

Crazy guy walks in to see his new psychiatrist wearing only cellophane pants. The doc looks up from his desk and says "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts".


Why don't women have brains?
They don't have penises to keep them in.


What's brown and sticky?









A stick.

[wolf]

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

[plthijinx]

WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

[Elionwyr]

How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

[sixfeet]

As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by sixfeet
As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

LOL! that made it worth the post!!!

[plthijinx]

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell.

At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water.

Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before Ken is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."

[Radar]

A married couple is trying to do the bills and they realize after the husband's layoff they won't be able to pay them. They're afraid of losing their house and try to think of a way to pay the bills. Desperate, the wife says, "I guess I could become a prostitute."

The husband says, "That's horrible, we can't do that." But after some careful consideration they figure it's the only way so they decide to do it. The wife gets dressed up and they go to a corner.

A man pulls up in a car and she gets in. The man asks, "How much for sex?". The woman never went over prices with her husband so she says, "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" and she gets out of the car goes up to her husband and asks, "What do I charge for sex?" The husband replies, "I don't know, how about a hundred dollars?"

The woman gets back in the car and says, "That's a hundred dollars" and the customer says, "That's too much. How much for a blowjob?" She get's out of the car and asks her husband how much to charge for a blowjob. He says, "40 dollars".

So the woman gets back into the car and says, "40 dollars". The man says, "That's too much too. How much for a handjob?" She gets out of the car, asks her husband and he says, "20 bucks".

She gets back in the car and says, "It's 20 bucks". The John says, "Ok, it's a deal." He gives her $20, unzips his fly and pulls out the biggest dick she's ever seen. The guy is huge. She says, "Hold on a minute" gets out of the car, walks up to her husband and says, "Honey, can I borrow a hundred dollars?"

[SteveDallas]

Originally posted by Elionwyr
How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

Q: How is computer programming like sex?

A: If you make one mistake, you support it for the rest of your life



A distinguished professor of mathematics came into his office at the university one morning and found a pile of paper burning. Next to the fire was a bucket of water. He picked up the bucket, put out the fire with the water, and sat down to work.

A week later, when he came to work, he saw there was another fire. There was also a bucket of water in the far corner of his office. He picked up the bucket, carried it over, sat it next to the fire, and sat down to work.

After all, he had reduced the problem to one which was known to be solvable.

[Happy Monkey]

There are only two industries which refer to their customers as users.

[dar512]

A university comes up with a way to help students decide between a mathematics major or an engineering major.

They line the candidates up along one side of the gym. On the other side they line up attractive members of the opposite sex. Then they are given the following instructions: Every ten seconds you may walk half way to your partner on the opposite side. When you reach your partner you may kiss him or her as the case may be.

Some of the candidates leave and become mathematicians. The others stay and become engineers.

Because the mathematicians know that it is impossible to reach the other side given the directions.

But the engineers know they will get close enough for practical purposes.

[plthijinx]

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

[plthijinx]

This should be in every pilot's manual..................

Why Airplanes are Easier to Live with than Women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes
you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.

[Undertoad]

And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?