Catwoman's Important and Consequential Personal Drama (don't read if easily bored)

[mrnoodle]

Yeah, a second read of your post brings something else to memory...

When I was with my last girlfriend and was "over it" when she wasn't, I behaved in an eerily similar fashion to your b/f. I was too much of a coward to just break it off, so I became more and more distant, hoping she would break up first. Not admirable, but fairly common behavior.

[Elspode]

For me, the biggest problem is that "love" is not one single, indentifiable quantity. It is very different things for different people. I've got four, actual, real, sincere cases of it in my 48 years, and not a damned one of them has anything in common with the classic ideal of the concept.

As near as I've been able to figure out, love is being able to stand the bad stuff about someone long enough to get any of the good stuff out of the whole arrangement. That's why it takes work. That's why it takes self-sacrifice.

I think it is putting the other person's needs before your own, even if they don't know what they are, or recognize that you're doing it. I think you fall out of love when you get tired of beating your head against a wall, and then you go find someone who will give you what you've been giving everyone else for such a long time.

Ideally, we'd meet someone who would give just as much to us as we do to them. Seems like there's always an imbalance somewhere.

[Catwoman]

Originally Posted by Beestie

My first tip... type CTL+A then CTL+C every so often...

Noted, thanks.

Originally Posted by Beestie

I think its the "stimulate" part that's giving you trouble. It really sounds like you are "stimulated" by overcoming rejection (or a lack of complete acceptance) from people you are attracted to. Once they accept you, the stimulation is over and the boredom begins.

Not true, I don't think. The simple truth is I want a guy that's not interested, and I grew out of a guy who was. I don't think I have any deep-seated stimulation issues... but I will think about this.

Originally Posted by Beestie

One other thing to think about. You said that you were "perfect" for him. Well, that guy that loved you without condition was "perfect" for you.

He wasn't - we couldn't talk. He didn't understand me, so I couldn't understand how he could love 'everything about me'. He didn't know everything about me. This is where the current guy comes closer - he knows a LOT more, nearly everything. I think that's it, actually. I want someone to 'know' me, all of me, to understand. I think I'm asking something quite impossible.

Originally Posted by OC

You are in love with him. Why do you have such a hard time accepting this basic fact? Love is what it is, and it's different for every single person, and you will not love every person the same way. If you aren't happy with what you're getting from him, get it somewhere else.

I don't know if I'm in love with him. I thought you were supposed to 'just know' if you're in love. And he's not interchangeable, like a brand name. I can't just switch from Coke to Pepsi because Coke gives me wind. Ah you know what I mean. I can only get what I want from HIM. Which is very unfortunate for me.

Originally Posted by clodfobble

Hell, tell this guy that since he knows you so well, and understands your need for a more involved relationship, could he perhaps introduce you to anyone he thinks might be right for you? It might be just what he's hoping to hear.

Mmm. Not a bad idea. But I know he doesn't know anyone.... might say something like that to help take some pressure off him though, if that's what he's feeling. I'd feel a bit fake mind. Anyway, I'm not looking for "a relationship". I'm hoping for a deeper relationship with him.

Originally Posted by Elspode

Seems like there's always an imbalance somewhere.

Yes, why is that? Do you think we just settle, because we think real love is too improbable? So, for example, I'm settling for him even though he's not giving me everything I need, and he's settling for me even though he's 'just not that interested'?

Originally Posted by jinx

Sounds like you guys make a terrific set of best friends though

Yes, I think that's probably what it amounts to. Don't know why I take it as an insult, friends will probably last much longer than a relationship anyway. But there's not the intensity or passion that drives me. But I do keep forgetting intensity and passion is short lived. I think I'm chasing that elusive 'high' and thinking I can sustain it, which of course is bollocks.

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

You'll eventually grow out of needing to be amused (not patronizing you, it's just a fact) and start feeling the need to give more than you receive. Ask anyone how they felt when their first child was born. That kind of feeling will be the one that signals "twoo wuv".

That's how I felt with my 'first love'. I knew then, too; I knew I loved him. Wonder what went wrong there.

[Catwoman]

Last night I cried, and told him everything.

He says there isn't anything there and that he's been trying to tell me that for ages.

He says he's not hiding anything, and if there was something there he'd know about it.

I was quite evidently devastated.

He said 'I can't deal with this, sorry, I'm taking the easy option', and left the room. I cried more.

He came back pretty quickly and asked me why I was crying. I said 'because you just said there's nothing there'.

He got into my bed, and, confused and tearful, I said 'how can there be nothing there?'.

Then he left again, saying 'I'm going to have to sleep on it'.

In the morning, he said he does have emotions for me but he doesn't show them because I would get confused.

I said, 'so you do have feelings for me then?'

He said, 'see, you're confused already.'

And then, 'I can't explain it because you won't understand it.'

$10 to the first one to tell me what the fuck he's feeling.

[BrianR]

He's feeling the first tinges of fear that he will lose his source of sex. In my uneducated opinion.

[Catwoman]

But we're not having sex! His choice.

[glatt]

Sorry you are in this spot, Catwoman. I've been there too, years ago, and it sucks.

He was pretty clear. There is nothing there. He cares for you, I'm sure, because you have spent so much time together and know each other so well. He's sorry to see you sad. He's trying to soften the blow. But his own words are that there is nothing there. You need to accept that. He isn't the one for you.

[staceyv]

is he bisexual?

Unfortunately, with love, it seems like one person always loves more.
It's hardly ever equal. You are the one doing the loving and he's not- and it seems impossible to you that this could be true because of all the feelings you have when you're near him.

He doesn't have those feelings and he's confusing the hell out of you because he doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he feels guilty for stringing you along. Maybe he likes you as a friend only, but he keeps the romance there so you'll stick around, because he knows it wouldn't be the same if you were strictly platonic? Even though you're not having sex, is he sleeping in the bed with you?

You said that his last relationship ended badly. It's really reeeeally hard for some men to ever open up again after a heartbreak.

I went through a stage similar to what it seems like he's going through. I had a bad breakup with my ex-husband and then another 2 1/2 year relationship.
For the next two years, I dated quite a few guys.
A few of them claimed to be in love with me. I played along with it because I like the company and attention, but I guarded my emotions and I never felt for them the way they felt for me.

It's always nice to have someone to talk to and sleep with, but I've done that with guys I didn't have a speck of feelings for, even though they really liked me. It was all because I just wasn't totally healed from my past. There was no way I could open up to them because of the timing.

Maybe if I had met them at a later point, I would've fallen head over heels in love with them, because they were "perfect for me", but at the time that I met them, that didn't matter. I was in self-defense mode.

One day, something in me clicked and I decided that it was time for the barriers to come down. I decided that I was ready to love someone again.

I met my husband and fell in love with him three times: At first sight, two weeks later- a little more real, and right before we got married- completely.

It's all in the mind. If you're not ready to fall in love, you just won't let yourself. He isn't going to let himself. Maybe someday in the future he'll realize he's ready and you two will be the best thing ever, but I would'nt bother waiting around.

Either use him for exactly what he is, or move on and stop missing out on the guys that will reciprocate your feelings.

[Catwoman]

He is. But I'm not the one for him. That's really hard to accept.

[Catwoman]

Originally Posted by staceyv

is he bisexual?

Why did you ask that?

Originally Posted by staceyv

You are the one doing the loving and he's not- and it seems impossible to you that this could be true because of all the feelings you have when you're near him.

Mmm. Is it just there, the love, waiting for both people to pick up on it? Or is it just one person's emotional imagination.

Originally Posted by staceyv

He doesn't have those feelings and he's confusing the hell out of you because he doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he feels guilty for stringing you along. Maybe he likes you as a friend only, but he keeps the romance there so you'll stick around, because he knows it wouldn't be the same if you were strictly platonic? Even though you're not having sex, is he sleeping in the bed with you?

Yes, all that's true, I think. There isn't really any romance, just a bit of playfulness. We haven't had sex in ages, and sleep in the same bed probably once or twice a week. But while we used to lie very close, he's started moving away from me over the last few months, like right at the beginning. He said the first time that he didn't want to have sex or get too close, that it would mess things up.

Originally Posted by staceyv

You said that his last relationship ended badly. It's really reeeeally hard for some men to ever open up again after a heartbreak.

Probably a part of the problem, though not all of it. I think he could overcome that if he really was... interested.

Originally Posted by staceyv

It's all in the mind. If you're not ready to fall in love, you just won't let yourself. He isn't going to let himself. Maybe someday in the future he'll realize he's ready and you two will be the best thing ever, but I would'nt bother waiting around.

If I was to go, it certainly wouldn't be because I wasn't 'bothering'. I can be bothered to wait, if it's worth it. I just don't know. I don't want to throw away this friendship... although it is quite one-sided... I don't know where I'd go. I haven't got any idea about anything right now.

[staceyv]

The longer you stay with him, the more your self esteem is going to plummet. You are in love with a guy that doesn't want to love you because for some reason, you're "not the one".

And I won't even try to say I know the best way to get over somebody and move on, because my methods tend to lean towards self-destructive- but they work.

You could either move 2000 miles away from him so that it would be impossible to see him without a lot of planning and money. (It worked like a charm when I left my ex-husband!)

OR: Start reading self-help books every morning when you wake up and every night before bed. Actually brainwash yourself with them. Anthony Robbins is great for this. Read them a lot- they start to sink in. Then they make you feel like you are a worthy person again and change is good and you're ready for it...

Brainwash yourself to believe that the only thing important in the whole wide world right now is your happiness. Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. In my case, I maxxed out a credit card, dressed well and partied hard. I also had a string of shallow relationships where I was the rejector.

It works because it takes your mind off of HIM. It keeps you busy. And you get to see that there are plenty of guys out there who will love you - and that they are all different.

There's someone for everyone. I don't like guys who are too mushy and sweet and nice either- I know where you're coming from- but they all love differently and you'll find your type if you get yourself out there.

Come up with a plan. A plan to make yourself happy. A plan to keep yourself busy at night. A plan for what to do when the phone rings and you know it's him, a plan for what to do if you cry, if you're lonely, etc- and then erase him from your life.

[Catwoman]

But I don't know enough about it to go running! It might be a terrible mistake that will fuck me up forever! It doesn't seem right to go, and where would I go anyway? Running around the country, perpetually escaping the reality of a man who doesn't love me? It'll be with me close enough whether he's there or not, so why make it harder. At least by staying I have his company, and who knows, things might change. I've come to realise you can't predict your life, and I need to stay in touch with what I feel to know what's right, and if anything, this situation has helped me be me, and be honest.

The last thing I want is another guy. Maybe for sex, but not a relationship. I couldn't give him anything. Self-help books aren't really self-help at all - it's relying on someone else's words and experience to help you out of a self-destructive rut. Besides, I think he's the best self-help I could get.

[staceyv]

I still understand your point of view, even though it's the exact opposite of what everyone here thinks is right for you. I get it.
You're trying to gain insight by asking for advice, but in your heart, you already know exactly what you want to do/ will do. I've done the same thing here.

If I listened to everyone here, I would've divorced my husband twice already, but we're still together and I'm happy about that.

No one really knows the situation like you do and it's so easy to give advice. It's not easy to receive and utilize, though.

Do what you have to do, but please try to find a way to hang on to some sense of self-worth and self esteem. THAT'S what you need to be latching on to right now.

[Undertoad]

So, is this it?

The up side: we all need a little friendship and intimacy, and as long as you get it to some degree in this relationship, you won't need to go looking for it elsewhere.

The down side: you won't go looking for it elsewhere.

The twist: this applies to the gentleman as well.

[Catwoman]

*Confused*

You think it applies to him as well? But he doesn't share the feelings I have. Do you think we're both going through the same thing, and I've just taken it way further than he has. He's seen it for what it is, and I'm pushing it for something 'more'?

That kind of makes sense.