11-23-2009, 02:40 PM | #3001 |
Gone and done
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 4,808
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Here's funny:
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
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per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not. |
11-24-2009, 02:00 AM | #3002 |
Mystical Miscreant
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 46
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I'm not so sure
I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.
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11-24-2009, 07:30 AM | #3003 |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
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For Merc. . .
A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must complete before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "I want you to take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six terrorist extremists, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt |
11-24-2009, 08:36 AM | #3004 |
Capnhowdy's #1 smasher
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Rentz, GA
Posts: 339
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Things you can only say at Thanksgiving without risking a "sexual harrassment" charge....
1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Its Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll explode! 5. That's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some, there's plenty! 10. Don't play with your meat! 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in! 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin! 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when the little thing pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. That piece is so big I can't get my mouth around it! and #20.....Do you want my left overs?
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I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it. |
11-24-2009, 09:58 PM | #3005 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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MARTIAN SEX !!
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds. A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles! Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen! "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman! "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
11-24-2009, 10:00 PM | #3006 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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DONT FART IN BED
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
11-24-2009, 10:01 PM | #3007 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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Premature Ejaculation
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
11-24-2009, 10:03 PM | #3008 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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I should have stopped for a sec to think
Before I decided to just click that link Hey, Yahoo is where all the fun is at What's this thing that they call chat? I was unprepared for what I had in store Just as soon as I entered that little door An adventure of sorts that was for sure What can I say I was so innocent and pure! Now don't laugh at me yet I just got started Telling you my story of the world uncharted At first I wasn't sure exactly what to think Little did I know I would soon need a shrink All I could see were words on the screen Thinking to myself, "What does all this mean" I began to hear many different voices speaking As soon as I heard this I just started freaking I observed these people and I started to learn Midnight hours I was begining to burn No one told me yahoo was so addicting With my real life it began conflicting Naive I was because I believed them all I didn't know my heart was subject to fall I can't believe the things people would say Do they come here and act like this every day? The cam invites came out of no where I could accept them if I should dare Man I wish I hadn't looked at this prick Oh god, what is that he is about to lick? I was asked if I would get naked on cam Oh my lord, I think it is time I scram I saw a Canadian not wearing any drawers I am pretty sure they sell those in stores The more I sit here the stranger they get Did I just hear someone on the mic howling? One guy asked, "Do you swallow or spit" Must be the right time for midnight prowling Anything can happen this is yahoo you know But I am certain I don't want another cam show I just heard a moaning contest on the mic Now this kind of chat I can assuredly like The winner even made my toes curl She sent my sensual desires for a whirl Hot seat is a game that they all like to play Most assured a fun game until it goes astray Strange things may occur in here for sure But some of these people seem so pure Trust is something that is hard to find A true heart seems to be a rare find People are real, this I learned from the start Emotions and feelings run deep in their hearts Personalities of many you will find in here Some of them are close and I hold them dear I think I enjoy this Yahoo place too much I seem to use it as my everyday crutch Well it is that time for me to stop rambling Just thought I would share my bit of gambling
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Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous |
11-25-2009, 09:22 AM | #3009 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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Taken from a screen shot I stumbled upon.
How to frustrate a perv or the wrong way to catch one. Connecting to server.... Looking for someone to chat with. Hang on. Now you're chatting with a random stranger. Say hi. Stranger: u male or female You: female Stranger: u horny You: was that a question Stranger:yea You: try one of these next time...>? Stranger:wat Stranger: oh this? Stranger:you horny? You: better ...but still not a complete sentence Stranger:r u horny? Stranger:R u horny? You: so close yet so far... r and u are not words Stranger: are you horny? You: almost there! Stranger: Are you horny? You: no you have disconnected |
11-26-2009, 06:28 PM | #3010 |
Doctor Wtf
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Badelaide, Baustralia
Posts: 12,861
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I may not be horny yet, but grammar is such a turn-on. Oooh yeah baby, would you like to visit my abode and parse my sentences?
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Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl. |
11-26-2009, 08:08 PM | #3011 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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The funny part was it was an screen capture of an actual conversation but I wasn't able to upload it.
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11-26-2009, 08:11 PM | #3012 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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poor emma
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11-29-2009, 06:44 AM | #3013 |
Blatantly Homosapien
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,200
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A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have"?
The seal replies "Doesn't really matter. Surprise me. Anything but a Canadian Club".
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Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please. |
11-29-2009, 07:11 AM | #3014 |
Capnhowdy's #1 smasher
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Rentz, GA
Posts: 339
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Is this how's it done?
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I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it. |
11-29-2009, 07:24 AM | #3015 |
“Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo”
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
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Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012! |
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humor |
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