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Old 12-01-2009, 09:33 PM   #3031
capnhowdy
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This is NOT the Christmas thread, people.

J/K...

great jokes, Mon. Mind if I use them?
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:35 PM   #3032
footfootfoot
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Here's an old, political joke involving a chauffeur. It takes place long before her saintiness, Diana, passed away.

Diana and the Queen mum were out going for a drive in the country (HA! It's a joke, remember? Suspend disbelief for ten seconds) when they car was summoned by a woman in distress. The Queen ordered her driver to stop and ask how they could help.

As they opened the window the woman stuck a gun in the driver's face and told them all to get out of the car. She turned to the queen and said, "Give me your diamond necklace! I always see you going out and about with that necklace. Give it to me!"

The queen very calmly replied that it was at the jeweler's having a loose stone re-set.

The woman turned to Diana and said, "Give me your Tiara, Diana! I always see you wearing that tiara. I want it, NOW!"

Diana very calmly replied that her tiara was being cleaned that day and that is why she wasn't wearing it.

"Well, give me the keys to the Bentley, and shove off."

The robber drove away and the queen, Diana, and the chauffeur began to walk back home. Along the way, The queen turned to Diana and said, "I could have sworn I saw you wearing your tiara when we got into the car."

Diana replied, "Yes, I was. But when we got closer to the woman I became suspicious, so I removed it and hid it in my vagina. Now that you mention it, weren't you wearing your diamond necklace?"

"I was. And like you I became suspicious so I also secreted it in my vagina."

They walked on in silence for a while and the queen said, "It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us; we'd still have the Bentley."
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:36 PM   #3033
monster
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yeah I do actually, I stole them, they're all mine now! bwahahahaha..... :p

(you should see what passes for humor on some christmas sites.... ouch!)
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:37 PM   #3034
monster
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@ foot3
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:38 PM   #3035
capnhowdy
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I will refrain, then. Respectfully. heeheehee.....
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Old 12-02-2009, 07:09 AM   #3036
jujuwwhite
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A Lady once got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a tattoo of a ham on her other thigh. When her friends and family asked why she would do such a thing she replied, ''Because the best eating is always between Thanksgiving and Christmas"!

The same lady went back to get another tattoo of a dollar bill under her belly button and explained to her cheap boyfriend, ''all you can eat for under a dollar."

by the way....this one is not political.
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:11 PM   #3037
capnhowdy
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This is some funny shit.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:06 PM   #3038
monster
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Well you got one part of that description right.....
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:11 PM   #3039
Nirvana
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Q. Why did Tiger Woods get in trouble?
A. Because he was caught playing more than 18 holes...
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:05 PM   #3040
Radar
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Tiger Woods' 2009 Christmas Card
Attached Images
 
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:29 AM   #3041
BrianR
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:16 AM   #3042
Spexxvet
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Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

How are Tiger Woods' house and the Rider Cup similar. They're both places where Tiger gets beaten by a European.

Tiger woods' wife is endorsing her own line of golf clubs. The tag line is "the club you can beat Tiger with"
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:16 AM   #3043
Spexxvet
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This is not a sports thread folks! :p
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:40 AM   #3044
dar512
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spexxvet View Post
This is not a sports thread folks! :p
Third use. I declare a new Cellar meme.

Haggis.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:57 AM   #3045
skysidhe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capnhowdy View Post
I thought it was a good joke. She's a newb and NOT a politician. Can we ease up, people? Hell ... I'm almost afraid to invite someone here. If we don't want any new people, somebody tell me. You want to corner the Cellar with the regulars we have? Throw me a bone.

Radar... you don't run the Cellar. Shut the fuck up and ROLL with it. JFChrist!
and then some
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