Humor...I Need Humor...

[ZenGum]

No, what he said was, "A bat brought back rabies."

[DanaC]

hahahaha. Zen that was very funny.

[Radar]

I thought so too

[TheMercenary]

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?




Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
"Fuck off" she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[monster]

One man's stupid is another man's art. And vice versa. People in glass houses.....

Originally Posted by Radar

Oh, and I'm very successful socially. I've got friends all over the world.

Now that is funny

[Radar]

Originally Posted by monster

One man's stupid is another man's art. And vice versa. People in glass houses.....

In that case, you are very artistic. You sound bitter, like you got a crappy and trendy tattoo. Let me guess, Milli Vanilli?

Originally Posted by monster

Now that is funny

Only if you find truthful and factual statements to be funny.

[TheMercenary]

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service,
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

[TheMercenary]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock. "

[TheMercenary]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she said, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once they get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother fucker!'

[classicman]

Careful radar, or there will be a poll . . .

[toranokaze]

Radar this is not a clip thread

[ZenGum]

This is not the not humor thread, people.

Read it again if you need to.

[capnhowdy]

This is not the... oh wait!!

[monster]

Originally Posted by Radar

In that case, you are very artistic. You sound bitter, like you got a crappy and trendy tattoo. Let me guess, Milli Vanilli?

And what's fucking wrong with a Milli Vanilli tat? The only stupid thing I did with that was getting it on my vaj on 9/11, while your mother was going down on me... and I did offer to pay for her skin graft...

Only if you find truthful and factual statements to be funny.

I find oxymorons funny

[TheMercenary]