Humor...I Need Humor...

[Torrere]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker. I began to think alone --"to relax," I told myself
-- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I
would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with
the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want
a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep
on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the
radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They
didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power
was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the
unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

[Lady Sidhe]

Death of a Senator


A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"




One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," the wife replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings."

[jdbutler]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over 50 years ago? We went behind this tavern, then you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says "I remember it well"

OK he says, how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it again for old time's sake?

Ooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks "I've got to see this - two old timers having sex against a fence!"

So, he follows them - they walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get around back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skits, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She is yelling "Ohhhhh, God! and he is hanging onto her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.


Finally, they both collapse panting onto the ground.

The policeman is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman thinks, "I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass by he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

No, there is no secret the old man says except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!!!!

[lookout123]

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon
paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

[lookout123]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have
covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive
pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the
final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!

[dar512]

Originally Posted by lookout123

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!

Congratulations. You are among the select few to preview the slogan on next year's A & F sweat shirts.

[jdbutler]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond."They're watch dogs!"


A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[Dagney]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

You're a lawyer ... this time I know I'm gonna get screwed.

[Tomas Rueda]

Guess what I found in Walmart las night:

a toilet seat that said "satisfaction guarranteed"

[flippant]

Funny Torrere!

Ok..Ive got one

How many cynics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh you probably wouldn't get it anyway.....

[404Error]

An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, and
only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA player in
basketball. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U S
President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president, AND I
am the smartest woman in American history, so American people don't want me
to die." So she took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I am a senator and a decorated war
hero of the USA,; I am also my party's nominee for President." So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a
10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said "That's okay, there's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[Tomas Rueda]

You know; I've never seen a person so depressed since the elephant sat on the farmer's wife.
(punchline drumroll)

Depressesd?

oh, well, that was not a very good one. how about this one:

Y'all know what is a Volskvagen? (pauses for answer) Ok, How many elephants can you fit into one? Five, 2 in the front, 3 in the back... but wait that is not the joke. Why the giraffes did not went to the movies. (scroll down for answer.
.
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.
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. Because the elephants took the Volkswagen.

[lookout123]

maybe the humor was lost in translation.

[zippyt]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm callin' about my neighbor, Billy Bob Pavon. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[404Error]

Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.

Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such Bigshots back there... I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."