Humor...I Need Humor...

[Nirvana]

A Drover walks into a bar
> with a pet crocodile by his side.

>He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
>He turns to the astonished patrons.
>'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and
>place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
>mouth for one minute.

>'Then he'll open his mouth
>and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
>In return for witnessing this
>spectacle,
>each of you will buy me a drink.'

>The crowd murmured their approval.
>The man stood up on the bar,
>dropped his trousers,
>and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's
>open mouth.
>The croc closed his mouth
>as the crowd gasped.
>After a minute,
>the man grabbed a beer
>bottle and smacked the
>crocodile really, really hard on the top of
>its head
>
>The croc opened his mouth
>and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
> promised.
>
>The crowd cheered,
>and the first of his free
>drinks were delivered.

>
>The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay
>anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
>
>A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
>in the back of the bar.

>A blonde woman timidly
>Spoke up..........
>'I'll try it -
>Just don't hit me so hard
>with the beer bottle!'

[HungLikeJesus]

Three men got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second man arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[BigV]

It's aaaaaallllways about the chicken.... Well no more.

Why did the egg cross the road?













































































Because it had the inclination.

[GunMaster357]

Three very old guys are sitting on a bench at the park discussing their health.

1st : "Me, with my rheumatism, it's damn nearly impossible to move around anymore"
2nd : "At least you still can read, my own eyesight is going downhill straight to hell"
3rd : "Me, I feel like a baby!"
1st : "And, pray tell, how is it so?"
3rd : "Well, I have no hair, no teeth, I need nursing... and I think I've just shit my pants..."

[Gravdigr]

Three old guys are walking down the street. One looks to the others and says "Sure is windy today." The second old man says "No, I think it's Thursday." The third says "Me, too. Let's grab a beer."

[squirell nutkin]

A blind man and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench and the rabbi takes a piece of matzoh out of his lunch bag and offers it to the blind man. The blind man takes it and then says to the Rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?"

[Gravdigr]

I'm smart as a horse, and hung like Einstein.

[TheMercenary]

Subject: Suicide bomber strike expected Monday

Late breaking news.


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this July from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B. O. O. M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his hidy-hole in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihads in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.''

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and are reconsidering their benefit packages.

[Clodfobble]

From some random dude's Livejournal entry:

As I mentioned in my last entry, I've been watching Babylon 5 lately. It's not a perfect show, but it has one big advantage: it's consistent and believable.

Contrast this with Doctor Who. Doctor Who is fun to watch, but if you think about it for more than two seconds you notice it's full of plot holes and contradictions. Things that cause time travel paradoxes that threaten to destroy the universe one episode go without a hitch the next. And the TARDIS, the sonic screwdriver, and the Doctor's biology gain completely different powers no one's ever alluded to depending on the situation. The aliens are hysterically unlikely, often without motives or believable science, the characters will do any old insane thing when it makes the plot slightly more interesting, and everything has either a self-destruct button or an easily findable secret weakness that it takes no efforts to defend against.

But I guess I'm not complaining. If the show was believable, the Doctor would have gotten killed the first time he decided to take on a massive superadvanced alien invasion force by walking right up to them openly with no weapons and no plan. And then they would have had to cancel the show, and then I would lose my chance to look at the pretty actress who plays Amy Pond.

So Doctor Who is not a complete loss. But then there are some shows that go completely beyond the pale of enjoyability, until they become nothing more than overwritten collections of tropes impossible to watch without groaning.

I think the worst offender here is the History Channel and all their programs on the so-called "World War II".

Let's start with the bad guys. Battalions of stormtroopers dressed in all black, check. Secret police, check. Determination to brutally kill everyone who doesn't look like them, check. Leader with a tiny villain mustache and a tendency to go into apopleptic rage when he doesn't get his way, check. All this from a country that was ordinary, believable, and dare I say it sometimes even sympathetic in previous seasons.

I wouldn't even mind the lack of originality if they weren't so heavy-handed about it. Apparently we're supposed to believe that in the middle of the war the Germans attacked their allies the Russians, starting an unwinnable conflict on two fronts, just to show how sneaky and untrustworthy they could be? And that they diverted all their resources to use in making ever bigger and scarier death camps, even in the middle of a huge war? Real people just aren't that evil. And that's not even counting the part where as soon as the plot requires it, they instantly forget about all the racism nonsense and become best buddies with the definitely non-Aryan Japanese.

Not that the good guys are much better. Their leader, Churchill, appeared in a grand total of one episode before, where he was a bumbling general who suffered an embarrassing defeat to the Ottomans of all people in the Battle of Gallipoli. Now, all of a sudden, he's not only Prime Minister, he's not only a brilliant military commander, he's not only the greatest orator of the twentieth century who can convince the British to keep going against all odds, he's also a natural wit who is able to pull out hilarious one-liners practically on demand. I know he's supposed to be the hero, but it's not realistic unless you keep the guy at least vaguely human.

So it's pretty standard "shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong" versus "evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide" stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: "Nuts!". The Germans attack, and, miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.

Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy - the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin' play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.

Anyway, they spend the whole season building up how the Japanese home islands are a fortress, and the Japanese will never surrender, and there's no way to take the Japanese home islands because they're invincible...and then they realize they totally can't have the Americans take the Japanese home islands so they have no way to wrap up the season.

So they invent a completely implausible superweapon that they've never mentioned until now. Apparently the Americans got some scientists together to invent it, only we never heard anything about it because it was "classified". In two years, the scientists manage to invent a weapon a thousand times more powerful than anything anyone's ever seen before - drawing from, of course, ancient mystical texts. Then they use the superweapon, blow up several Japanese cities easily, and the Japanese surrender. Convenient, isn't it?

...and then, in the entire rest of the show, over five or six different big wars, they never use the superweapon again. Seriously. They have this whole thing about a war in Vietnam that lasts decades and kills tens of thousands of people, and they never wonder if maybe they should consider using the frickin' unstoppable mystical superweapon that they won the last war with. At this point, you're starting to wonder if any of the show's writers have even watched the episodes the other writers made.

I'm not even going to get into the whole subplot about breaking a secret code (cleverly named "Enigma", because the writers couldn't spend more than two seconds thinking up a name for an enigmatic code), the giant superintelligent computer called Colossus (despite this being years before the transistor was even invented), the Soviet strongman whose name means "Man of Steel" in Russian (seriously, between calling the strongman "Man of Steel" and the Frenchman "de Gaulle", whoever came up with the names for this thing ought to be shot).

So yeah. Stay away from the History Channel. Unlike most of the other networks, they don't even try to make their stuff believable.

[plthijinx]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[plthijinx]

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

[plthijinx]

maybe i'm late on this one but hey....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUA...layer_embedded

[plthijinx]

BAD TIGER

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly but put me down for a 5."


It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.


Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.


A movie is being developed base on events, titled "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant".


EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game... "Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto"


What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.


Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.


Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

[plthijinx]

ok being a pilot i have to admit this is true.....

Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

As he approached the counter to check his luggage he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

[plthijinx]

revenge at it's finest!

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember."