Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 237

Lamplighter · 07-28-2010, 05:13 PM

Today I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat to the truck,
and proceeded to pull out into a torrential downpour. The wind was already blowing 35 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and confirmed that the weather would be that bad or worse all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of 12 years replied, "I know. Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Pooka · 07-28-2010, 05:33 PM

True story:
Today I went to my disabled mother's house (our old house) to do some wash, re-organize her room and hang up some curtains she purchased awhile back. they all looked the same and I didn't bother to check the sizes... I asked if they were all the same to which she replied "yes, of course"...

I proceeded to dress the first windows (she wanted 2 panels per window). Huh? one is two feet shorter than the other.... pulled looked at the packages... first one 42X84. Second Panel package is 42X63... ok... lets take a look perhaps its a one off.... uh no... she had 5 different sizes of the same fabric curtains... I could only make one set...

At least I got a good laugh.

Gravdigr · 07-29-2010, 04:19 AM

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Trilby · 07-29-2010, 07:11 AM

good one, gravdigr!

xoxoxoBruce · 07-29-2010, 12:15 PM

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?” Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.”

So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think we’re out far enough now?”

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest.”

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, “OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.

squirell nutkin · 07-29-2010, 09:18 PM

very good

Gravdigr · 07-31-2010, 05:51 PM

.

classicman · 08-02-2010, 11:38 AM

Before Chelsea's wedding Hillary wanted to discuss some of the issues newlyweds deal with ...

She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

Gravdigr · 08-03-2010, 07:43 AM

Hah!

classicman · 08-03-2010, 12:34 PM

A Man's Fairytale ...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and
scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

squirell nutkin · 08-03-2010, 02:04 PM

rock!

classicman · 08-03-2010, 02:16 PM

paper!

(oh wrong thread - nevermind)

toranokaze · 08-04-2010, 06:27 PM

Scissors

xoxoxoBruce · 08-05-2010, 02:03 AM

Hand grenade.

Gravdigr · 08-05-2010, 06:32 AM

Countest thee to three.
Three shalt thou count.
And the counting of the number shall be three.

1..2..5!

Three, sir!

Oh yes, three.

07-28-2010, 05:13 PM	#3541
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	...and that's how the fight started Today I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to pull out into a torrential downpour. The wind was already blowing 35 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and confirmed that the weather would be that bad or worse all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.." My loving wife of 12 years replied, "I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

07-29-2010, 04:19 AM	#3543
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): ``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.'' Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

07-29-2010, 07:11 AM	#3544
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	good one, gravdigr! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-29-2010, 12:15 PM	#3545
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?” Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.” So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think we’re out far enough now?” Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest.” So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, “OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-29-2010, 09:18 PM	#3546
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	very good __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

07-28-2010, 05:33 PM	#3542
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528	True story: Today I went to my disabled mother's house (our old house) to do some wash, re-organize her room and hang up some curtains she purchased awhile back. they all looked the same and I didn't bother to check the sizes... I asked if they were all the same to which she replied "yes, of course"... I proceeded to dress the first windows (she wanted 2 panels per window). Huh? one is two feet shorter than the other.... pulled looked at the packages... first one 42X84. Second Panel package is 42X63... ok... lets take a look perhaps its a one off.... uh no... she had 5 different sizes of the same fabric curtains... I could only make one set... At least I got a good laugh.

07-31-2010, 05:51 PM	#3547
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-02-2010, 11:38 AM	#3548
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Before Chelsea's wedding Hillary wanted to discuss some of the issues newlyweds deal with ... She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?" Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad" __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-03-2010, 07:43 AM	#3549
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Hah! __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

08-03-2010, 12:34 PM	#3550
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A Man's Fairytale ... Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-03-2010, 02:04 PM	#3551
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	rock! __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

08-03-2010, 02:16 PM	#3552
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	paper! (oh wrong thread - nevermind) __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-04-2010, 06:27 PM	#3553
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	Scissors __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

08-05-2010, 02:03 AM	#3554
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Hand grenade. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-05-2010, 06:32 AM	#3555
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Countest thee to three. Three shalt thou count. And the counting of the number shall be three. 1..2..5! Three, sir! Oh yes, three. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

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