Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 238

Nirvana · 09-20-2010, 12:06 PM

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

GunMaster357 · 09-21-2010, 07:22 AM

Five surgeons are discussing while taking a meal together:
1st: "I love to open accountants. Everything inside is numbered."
2nd: "You should see electricians. All the parts are color coded. You can't get wrong."
3rd: "As for myself, I prefer librarians. It's all sorted by alphabetical order."
4th (laughing): "I like mechanics. They understand why you still have bits and pieces around after you have finished the job."
5th: "Actually, the easiest guys to open are the politicians. No heart, no brain, no spine. Best of all, head and asshole are interchangeable."

classicman · 09-21-2010, 08:02 AM

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says with a wink, 'I remember it well..'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see this. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. They get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is . He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, amazed, thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

GunMaster357 · 09-21-2010, 01:49 PM

Q: What's the difference between a tie and a cow's tail?

A: The cow's tail completely hides the asshole...

Sheldonrs · 09-21-2010, 04:51 PM

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84

Nirvana · 09-21-2010, 08:51 PM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

Nirvana · 09-21-2010, 10:10 PM

OMG Sheldonrs that site is so f^%ing funny!

Nirvana · 09-22-2010, 08:35 AM

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.

1.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia
was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of gentemens that I
think was at the party if that helps.

3.
I do not know the name of the father of my little Lokeesha.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I
had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was
so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father, can you please send me his phone number?
Thanks.

4.
I don't knows the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of
the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in
this area and see if he had it replaced.

5.
I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again.

6.
I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for his economy. I am torn between doing right by me and right by him.
What do I do?

7.
I do not know who the father of my child was as they all looks
the same to me.

8.
Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you
do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well,
I don't have a clue.

9.
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
.

10.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather
than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After
all, its like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 08:37 AM

Quote:

5.
I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again

haggis! I don't know if it's real or not but that is freaking funny!

Spexxvet · 09-22-2010, 08:51 AM

I don't think they're real. Black people don't own AC/DC cds

HungLikeJesus · 09-22-2010, 09:02 AM

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

Well now we know who the daddy is!

monster · 09-22-2010, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

But now you don't so they are.

Srsly, who would write "axe"? Only a white person wanting a laugh.

Also, Delia Smith? I think it was written by a Silly Twit Brit.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 09:54 AM

Still: I'm a virginian.

Hahhahahahhaaaa

monster · 09-22-2010, 09:59 AM

Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?”

09-20-2010, 12:06 PM	#1
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Mother of all Jihadist Jokes Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-21-2010, 07:22 AM	#2
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Five surgeons are discussing while taking a meal together: 1st: "I love to open accountants. Everything inside is numbered." 2nd: "You should see electricians. All the parts are color coded. You can't get wrong." 3rd: "As for myself, I prefer librarians. It's all sorted by alphabetical order." 4th (laughing): "I like mechanics. They understand why you still have bits and pieces around after you have finished the job." 5th: "Actually, the easiest guys to open are the politicians. No heart, no brain, no spine. Best of all, head and asshole are interchangeable." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-21-2010, 08:02 AM	#3
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Old Timer Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says with a wink, 'I remember it well..' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see this. So he follows them. The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. They get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is . He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, amazed, thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

09-21-2010, 01:49 PM	#4
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Q: What's the difference between a tie and a cow's tail? A: The cow's tail completely hides the asshole... __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-21-2010, 04:51 PM	#5
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84 __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

09-21-2010, 08:51 PM	#6
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?' __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-21-2010, 10:10 PM	#7
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	OMG Sheldonrs that site is so f^%ing funny! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-22-2010, 08:35 AM	#8
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Who's your Daddy? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of gentemens that I think was at the party if that helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little Lokeesha. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't knows the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he had it replaced. 5. I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for his economy. I am torn between doing right by me and right by him. What do I do? 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all looks the same to me. 8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. . 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, its like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-22-2010, 08:51 AM	#10
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	I don't think they're real. Black people don't own AC/DC cds __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

09-22-2010, 09:02 AM	#11
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black. I used to live there. __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

09-22-2010, 09:54 AM	#14
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Still: I'm a virginian. Hahhahahahhaaaa __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

09-22-2010, 09:59 AM	#15
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?” __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

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