Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 245

Nirvana · 09-21-2010, 08:51 PM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a
mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

Nirvana · 09-21-2010, 10:10 PM

OMG Sheldonrs that site is so f^%ing funny!

Nirvana · 09-22-2010, 08:35 AM

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.

1.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia
was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of gentemens that I
think was at the party if that helps.

3.
I do not know the name of the father of my little Lokeesha.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I
had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was
so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father, can you please send me his phone number?
Thanks.

4.
I don't knows the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of
the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in
this area and see if he had it replaced.

5.
I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again.

6.
I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for his economy. I am torn between doing right by me and right by him.
What do I do?

7.
I do not know who the father of my child was as they all looks
the same to me.

8.
Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you
do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well,
I don't have a clue.

9.
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
.

10.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather
than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained
unfertilized.

11.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After
all, its like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 08:37 AM

Quote:

5.
I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my
son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again

haggis! I don't know if it's real or not but that is freaking funny!

Spexxvet · 09-22-2010, 08:51 AM

I don't think they're real. Black people don't own AC/DC cds

HungLikeJesus · 09-22-2010, 09:02 AM

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

Well now we know who the daddy is!

monster · 09-22-2010, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black.

I used to live there.

But now you don't so they are.

Srsly, who would write "axe"? Only a white person wanting a laugh.

Also, Delia Smith? I think it was written by a Silly Twit Brit.

Shawnee123 · 09-22-2010, 09:54 AM

Still: I'm a virginian.

Hahhahahahhaaaa

monster · 09-22-2010, 09:59 AM

Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?”

Sheldonrs · 09-22-2010, 01:28 PM

http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/_new...1/from/toolbar

TheMercenary · 09-23-2010, 08:38 AM

Four Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

GunMaster357 · 09-27-2010, 10:53 AM

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

monster · 09-28-2010, 09:02 PM

That should be in the tasteless jokes thread. if it has to be here at all. It's a fucking chain letter for allah's sake. I bet you'd like the emporor's new suit too.

monster · 09-28-2010, 09:35 PM

"This message has been deleted by classicman. Reason: monnie's whining AGAIN "

If you think you're right, have some balls and stick up for yourself. You moved it because you know I'm right. You're a snivelling xenophobic yesman.

09-21-2010, 08:51 PM	#3661
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?' __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-21-2010, 10:10 PM	#3662
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	OMG Sheldonrs that site is so f^%ing funny! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-22-2010, 08:35 AM	#3663
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Who's your Daddy? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of gentemens that I think was at the party if that helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little Lokeesha. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't knows the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he had it replaced. 5. I swear I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver done risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for his economy. I am torn between doing right by me and right by him. What do I do? 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all looks the same to me. 8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. . 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, its like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

09-22-2010, 08:51 AM	#3665
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	I don't think they're real. Black people don't own AC/DC cds __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

09-22-2010, 09:02 AM	#3666
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Not everyone who lives in Detroit is black. I used to live there. __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

09-22-2010, 09:54 AM	#3669
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Still: I'm a virginian. Hahhahahahhaaaa __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

09-22-2010, 09:59 AM	#3670
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Jesus slammed down 3 nails on the counter of the hotel and asked: “Can you put me up for the night?” __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-22-2010, 01:28 PM	#3671
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/_new...1/from/toolbar __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

09-23-2010, 08:38 AM	#3672
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Four Religious Truths During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

09-27-2010, 10:53 AM	#3673
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

09-28-2010, 09:02 PM	#3674
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	That should be in the tasteless jokes thread. if it has to be here at all. It's a fucking chain letter for allah's sake. I bet you'd like the emporor's new suit too. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-28-2010, 09:35 PM	#3675
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	"This message has been deleted by classicman. Reason: monnie's whining AGAIN " If you think you're right, have some balls and stick up for yourself. You moved it because you know I'm right. You're a snivelling xenophobic yesman. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)