11-07-2010, 03:29 PM | #3781 |
The Un-Tuckian
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Ha!! I heard the same joke, but, the punchline was different, instead of 'Take it all, bitch!', the mouse said "Did I hurt ya, honey?"
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11-09-2010, 12:33 PM | #3782 |
Back in 10
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The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
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11-12-2010, 03:26 PM | #3783 |
Professor
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What do a Christmas tree and a catholic priest have in common?
Balls are for ornament purpose only.
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"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce |
11-13-2010, 01:28 AM | #3784 |
The future is unwritten
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Breakup Excuses...
16 "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?" 15 "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator." 14 "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious." 13 "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either." 12 "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath." 11 "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'" 10 "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..." 9 "I have early-onset onanism." 8 "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with." 7 "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah-- on the subway, I think." 6 "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!" 5 "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture." 4 "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister." 3 "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose." 2 "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike." 1 "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
11-13-2010, 09:55 AM | #3785 |
To shreds, you say?
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Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet!
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Brings to mind this song:
Vanilla Ice Cream - Stephen Lynch Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will have a sting Just don't take it personally, this is no attack But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away If you're a nubian, I want you to-be in every fantasy But if you're a whitey, say nighty-nighty, your just not the girl for me Oh I hate vanilla ice cream, I like chocolate instead I hope she likes her soul food with a little Wonder Bread Don't call it Jungle Fever cause that just isn't right I am not a racist; some of my best friends are white I just prefer black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait The caramel girls and mocca girls just blow me away. If you're a cracker, you better get blacker or else you best get out It is no mystery, I like a sister see that's what I'm talkin about Our wedding song will be "Ebony and Ivory" and we'll sing Christmas carols round the old Kwanzaa tree But color is not the issue here, it's dignity, it's class It's all about her heart, okay it's partly about that ass I want me some black girl, the brown girl, the café au lait The caramel girls, and mocca girls, just blow me away If you're a honky, you're singin the wrong key, it's the honest truth The skin that she's dwellin in, must contain melanin, that is the Fountain of Youth.
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11-15-2010, 04:05 PM | #3786 |
The Un-Tuckian
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Yes. No. Wait...
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11-15-2010, 04:26 PM | #3787 |
The future is unwritten
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Possibly.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
11-17-2010, 07:19 AM | #3788 | |
The future is unwritten
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Quote:
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
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11-17-2010, 04:44 PM | #3789 |
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.
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11-18-2010, 04:12 AM | #3790 | |
The Un-Tuckian
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Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")
Quote:
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11-18-2010, 09:07 AM | #3791 |
Person who doesn't update the user title
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I sort of felt I had heard it before, but the punchline still got to me...
then came the sympathy line for the other guy. |
11-18-2010, 09:17 AM | #3792 |
The future is unwritten
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Oh man, what a great story.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
11-19-2010, 10:13 AM | #3793 |
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Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES · If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**** for Brains. EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS · A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. · A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. · Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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11-19-2010, 12:10 PM | #3794 |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
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Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him and says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
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11-25-2010, 04:51 PM | #3795 |
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The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the following: Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
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