11-27-2010, 10:03 AM | #3796 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.” The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, You’ve finally lost your mind.” But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time….So … do you think we should … well … you know … screw her?” “Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
11-27-2010, 01:22 PM | #3797 |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
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Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse"s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I"m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Billy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
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"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt |
11-28-2010, 08:05 AM | #3798 | |
polaroid of perfection
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The Douglas Adams' story is one he used to tell - he told it as happening to him, but he also wrote it into So Long and Thanks For All the Fish*. But of course with biscuits instead of cookies. And he died before CNN was available to Brits. And it's apocryphal anyway.
But even in a bastardised form it still makes me smile. * Quote:
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Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac |
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11-28-2010, 01:34 PM | #3799 | |
To shreds, you say?
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Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet!
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Quote:
...and if the mailman weren't there to hold her down, we would have lost her.
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The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs |
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11-29-2010, 03:06 PM | #3800 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
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Posts: 6,828
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11-29-2010, 03:39 PM | #3801 |
a beautiful fool
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: 39.939705
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What did the Jewish Pedophile say?
Buy some candy, little girl?
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There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool |
11-29-2010, 08:01 PM | #3802 |
“Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo”
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
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Lol as Sky... that was good.
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Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012! |
11-30-2010, 04:16 AM | #3803 |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
Posts: 39,517
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Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench, when an eight year old girl walks by. The first pedophile says "God! Would you look at the body on her?" The other says "Yeah, she must've really been something in her day."
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
11-30-2010, 04:21 AM | #3804 | |
The Un-Tuckian
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Central...KY that is
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Quote:
Little Johnny said "Your feet." The teacher asked "Why do say that, Johnny?" Johnny said "Cause the other day I saw Dad trying to hold Mama down on the couch, and her feet were in the air, and she was hollering 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
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11-30-2010, 04:21 PM | #3805 |
“Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo”
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
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Ladies/Gents,
Sex and Good English On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012! |
12-06-2010, 04:38 PM | #3806 |
“Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo”
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
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FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this has to be one of the best! Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
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Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012! |
12-07-2010, 01:33 PM | #3807 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
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Funny one Merc ^
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12-07-2010, 01:53 PM | #3808 | |
Goon Squad Leader
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Location: Seattle
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Quote:
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Be Just and Fear Not. |
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12-08-2010, 06:02 AM | #3809 |
Professor
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Saying that Java is good because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders.
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"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce |
12-08-2010, 10:41 AM | #3810 |
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
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Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,338
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and your point is...?
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