Humor...I Need Humor...

[footfootfoot]

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[xoxoxoBruce]

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

[404Error]

A prayer for Democrats.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest me continue to fear his Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement (read:cellar) forever.

Amen

[xoxoxoBruce]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[Elspode]

From the KC Star yesterday comes this offering by the brilliant editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[404Error]

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach &live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlie men.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

[wolf]

The insurance man wakes up one morning to find a bear the roof of his upstate New York mansion. So he looks in the yellow pages and - sure enough - there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the wealthy insurance man asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the insurance man.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the insurance industry magnet.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Bexin Fletcher]

Excuse Me if it has been posted before I'm a newb

Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers;
the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Welcome to the Cellar Bexin

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, at the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and started driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

[dar512]

Speaking of mental leaps (see the patton and Macarthur thread):

It was an advanced physics course and the professor was more of a researcher and should never have been teaching. In one class, he begins to explain some theorem and fills a blackboard with equations. He goes on, "therefore it is obvious that" and fills another blackboard with equations.

One student raises his hand and says he didn't understand how to get from the first blackboard to the second.

The professor mumbles a bit, then goes to a third blackboard and begins, "you see how we got to this right?" The student agrees. "Well, from this you get this" and he starts writing equations again. Eventually he fills two more blackboards.

"See", he says to the student. "I was right. It was obvious."

[ticktock]

A little girl comes home one day with a new word.

"Mommy, what's a pros ti tute?"

The mom takes a moment to compose hereself. She never lies to the kid, but it shouldn't be too graphic.

"Well honey. That's a lady who pretends to be married to a man for a little while, and does some of the things that married ladies do."

That puts the little girl deep in thought for a minute.

"Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?"


"Well of course darling. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

(Substitute job title, political party, or minority at will.)

[xoxoxoBruce]

Good one....welcome to the Cellar TickTock.

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

[Elspode]

The Christmas Roast

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filletd by the fire
With hot skewers poked up thru their noses

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat will really hit the
spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sizzle when they fry

And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times, many ways
Tasty chipmunks, good food

[footfootfoot]

An eight year old kid swaggers into the local gin mill and orders a double scotch. The barmaid looks at him and asks:
"Are you trying to get me in trouble?"
The kid replies:
"Maybe later, right now I just want the scotch."