Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 27

xoxoxoBruce · 12-28-2004, 11:54 PM

Warning-crude language!

wolf · 12-29-2004, 02:47 AM

Some children have a problem with Santa before Christmas Day ...

404Error · 12-29-2004, 08:13 AM

It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap?

wolf · 12-29-2004, 12:22 PM

There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite.

zippyt · 12-31-2004, 01:22 AM

how many mice does it take to screw in a lite bulb ????

Happy Monkey · 12-31-2004, 10:24 AM

2004 Year in Review

(from Bob the Angry Flower)

busterb · 01-08-2005, 10:52 AM

I have a post in a help forum about error in device manager for my optical drives. Someone posted to use cd & do a repair

How in hell can you do that?

him

BrianR · 01-16-2005, 12:20 PM

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

*****************

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Brian

Elspode · 01-16-2005, 06:53 PM

Then there's this Santa/kids photo , which looks as though Santa may have just unloaded a bunch of cookies and milk into his jolly red pants...

cowhead · 01-16-2005, 10:09 PM

I don't recall if I posted this here before.. but oh my gawd.. the first, second and third time I read these recipe cards I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.. well I may have! but you'll never know! the captions are....are..are.. hee hee hee hee hee

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

404Error · 01-19-2005, 10:31 PM

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

jinx · 01-24-2005, 01:14 PM

BEWARE

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should
be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

lookout123 · 01-24-2005, 04:17 PM

LOL - jinx, i read that a couple of weeks ago and it cracked me up then too.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-25-2005, 09:14 PM

• ANSWER: Carnac The Magnificent/
QUESTION: Who won't be coming down for breakfast anymore?
• ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
• ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
• ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
• ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
• ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
• ANSWER: Ben Gay.
QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
• ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
• ANSWER: Disjoint.
QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?
• ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman.
QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
• ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman.
QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
• ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
• ANSWER: Old wives tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
• ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub.
QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
• ANSWER: Shareholder.
QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
• ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
• ANSWER: David Frost.
QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
• ANSWER: Head and shoulders.
QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
• ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock.
QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
• ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
• ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?
• ANSWER: High rollers.
QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.
• ANSWER: Gunga din.
QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
• ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road."
QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
• ANSWER: At both ends.
QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
• ANSWER: Igloo.
QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
• ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
• ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
• ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
• ANSWER: Crabgrass.
QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?
• ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
• ANSWER: Blazing Saddles.
QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
• ANSWER: Flypaper.
QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
• ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
• ANSWER: Bedbug.
QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

Elspode · 01-26-2005, 12:06 AM

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I'll do both.

Thanks for those, Bruce.

12-28-2004, 11:54 PM	#391
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Warning-crude language! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 04-07-2007 at 06:58 PM.

12-29-2004, 02:47 AM	#392
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Some children have a problem with Santa before Christmas Day ... __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-29-2004, 08:13 AM	#393
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap? Attached Images __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

12-29-2004, 12:22 PM	#394
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-31-2004, 01:22 AM	#395
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	how many mice does it take to screw in a lite bulb ???? Attached Images __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

12-31-2004, 10:24 AM	#396
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	2004 Year in Review (from Bob the Angry Flower) __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

01-08-2005, 10:52 AM	#397
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	I have a post in a help forum about error in device manager for my optical drives. Someone posted to use cd & do a repair How in hell can you do that? him __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

01-16-2005, 12:20 PM	#398
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	What religion is YOUR bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. ***************** Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up! Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

01-16-2005, 06:53 PM	#399
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Then there's this Santa/kids photo , which looks as though Santa may have just unloaded a bunch of cookies and milk into his jolly red pants... __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

01-16-2005, 10:09 PM	#400
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	I don't recall if I posted this here before.. but oh my gawd.. the first, second and third time I read these recipe cards I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.. well I may have! but you'll never know! the captions are....are..are.. hee hee hee hee hee http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire. Last edited by cowhead; 01-16-2005 at 10:24 PM. Reason: sumwon slaap mi I owt to no how to spel bi now

01-19-2005, 10:31 PM	#401
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	Cows, The Constitution, and the Ten Commandments COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment! __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

01-24-2005, 01:14 PM	#402
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Bear Activity BEWARE The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

01-24-2005, 04:17 PM	#403
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	LOL - jinx, i read that a couple of weeks ago and it cracked me up then too. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

01-25-2005, 09:14 PM	#404
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	• ANSWER: Carnac The Magnificent/ QUESTION: Who won't be coming down for breakfast anymore? • ANSWER: Gatorade. QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? • ANSWER: Bible belt. QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? • ANSWER: Milk and honey. QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? • ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles. • ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall. QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong. • ANSWER: Ben Gay. QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? • ANSWER: An unmarried woman. QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952? • ANSWER: Disjoint. QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking? • ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman. QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? • ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman. QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. • ANSWER: Until he gets caught. QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? • ANSWER: Old wives tale. QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest? • ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub. QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub? • ANSWER: Shareholder. QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be? • ANSWER: Skalliwags. QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy? • ANSWER: David Frost. QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david? • ANSWER: Head and shoulders. QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car? • ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock. QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory? • ANSWER: "Rose Bowl." QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley? • ANSWER: That darn cat. QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug? • ANSWER: High rollers. QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team. • ANSWER: Gunga din. QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? • ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road." QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office? • ANSWER: At both ends. QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? • ANSWER: Igloo. QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? • ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? • ANSWER: Grape Nuts. QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? • ANSWER: Supervisor. QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? • ANSWER: Crabgrass. QUESTION: What do crabs get high on? • ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake. QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. • ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? • ANSWER: Flypaper. QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? • ANSWER: Deep freeze. QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film. • ANSWER: Bedbug. QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-26-2005, 12:06 AM	#405
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I'll do both. Thanks for those, Bruce. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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