Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 28

xoxoxoBruce · 01-26-2005, 11:12 PM

Jan. 25 - In an effort to “level the academic playing field,” Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that Harvard would introduce a home economics major designed specifically for its female students.
“Starting in the fall, Harvard will offer home economics for women who find economics too tricky,” said Summers, who called the move “long overdue.”
Summers said that the new courses would help women at Harvard improve their grade point averages, adding, “When it comes to getting busy in the kitchen, women are second to none.”
The home ec major, which will consist of courses in cooking, sewing and what Summers called “the allied domestic arts and sciences,” is believed to be the first of its kind ever to be offered by an Ivy League university.
Coming in the wake of Summers’ recent controversial remarks about purported intellectual differences between the sexes, the Harvard president’s decision to introduce a home economics major for women was widely seen as an olive branch of sorts.
But the move may have backfired, as an angry mob of female faculty members protested outside his office today, demanding his immediate ouster and burning Summers in effigy.
In a meeting with the protesters, Summers promised that he would recruit additional women to the Harvard faculty but refused to tell the protesters how many. “I don’t want to fill your heads with a lot of big numbers you won’t understand,” he said.

404Error · 01-26-2005, 11:48 PM

Ouch!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That guy's going to get spanked!

cowhead · 01-27-2005, 01:19 AM

speaking of scorn..

There was this little boy, Johnny, about 10 years old walking down the
>sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him. He walked
>up to
>a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered
>it,
>she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>
>He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
>money
>and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she
>told him
>to come in.
>
>Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do
>any
>of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He
>said, "I
>heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it
>with
>Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
>
>Since Johnny was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
>told
>him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall
>dragging
>the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
>dragging
>the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
>him and
>asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
>instead
>of one of the others?"
>
>He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
>are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-
>sitter.
>After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
>happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that
>I just
>caught.
>
>When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
>way,
>he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then
>when
>Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and
>have sex,
>and Mom will catch it.
>
>In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
>milk,
>have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-
>bitch
>who ran over my FROG!"

xoxoxoBruce · 01-27-2005, 10:30 PM

Every day, Bob would claim that he knew everyone. One day, his boss got fed up and told Bob that if he didn't shut up or prove it, he was going to fire him. So Bob said he would prove it. He told his boss to name anyone in the whole world and together, they would go see that person.
Bob's boss, being a little sarcastic, replied, "Tom Cruise; I bet you don't know him!"
Bob said he did. So that afternoon, they hopped on a plane to Hollywood. Once they got there, they went straight to Tom's house. They rang the doorbell, and Tom answered it and said, "Hey Bob, come on in, I was just about to have some lunch. You and your friend are welcome to join me".

After they left Tom's house, Bob's boss looked at him and said, "Okay, so I just happened to name the one celebrity you know."
Bob replied, "Then name someone else if you don't believe me."
His boss said, "The President; I bet you don't know the President."
So Bob and his boss flew out to the White House. They were taking a tour when the President was going into one of his offices, looked up and saw Bob. The President said, "Hey Bob, what's going on?" He told the men to come into his office for a cup of joe. Once they had left the White House, Bob's boss turned to him and said, "It's all just a big coincidence."

Bob challenged his boss once again.
This time his boss tells him that there's no way he knows the Pope. Again, Bob claims he does, and with that they fly to Rome. The Pope was supposed to address the public fifteen minutes from then. There were hundreds of thousands of people there.
Bob told his boss that The Pope will never see him in the midst of all those people. So Bob told his boss that he knows the security guards, and when the Pope comes out to give his speech, he will join him on stage. Fifteen minutes later, the Pope came out on stage and there was Bob.

Bob made his way to the end of the stage, and went back out into the crowd. Bob noticed that the paramedics were circled around someone in the crowd. When Bob realized that it was his boss, he rushed to his side. He asked what happened, and one of the paramedics said that his boss had had a heart attack.
Bob asked his boss if the fact that he knew the Pope was too much to take, to which his boss replied, "No, that's not what got me. What got me was when you walked out with him, the guy next to me asked, 'Who's that up there with Bob?'."

404Error · 01-29-2005, 12:54 PM

It's almost spring time, girls are showing their belly buttons!!!

footfootfoot · 01-30-2005, 12:22 AM

404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that.

404Error · 01-30-2005, 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that.

Oh, yes you did....you know you love those young girlies baring their midriffs.

...and i hear she's got a *foot* fetish.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-30-2005, 10:47 AM

Those thongs don't hold anything back.

footfootfoot · 01-30-2005, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 404Error

Oh, yes you did....you know you love those young girlies baring their midriffs.

...and i hear she's got a *foot* fetish.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (runs)

Hey, is she reaching for a snack in that bag?

xoxoxoBruce · 02-01-2005, 08:56 PM

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"

footfootfoot · 02-01-2005, 09:23 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 02-02-2005, 09:23 PM

An alien space ship encounters an electromagnetic storm and crash lands near the Never land Ranch.
The desperate aliens leave the spacecraft in search of their destiny. Ahead they see a well-lit house with lots of children enjoying an amusement park.
The aliens said, " Look all the earthlings are the same size as we are and they are happy " They approached with confidence and said " Greetings we are here from another star system we need to talk to your leader "
A kid ran inside and grabbed Michael. The kid said " Hey look out there a whole field full of little aliens "
Michael smiled and said to himself " So they think they are the only ones who fly around this planet and probe little people "

footfootfoot · 02-07-2005, 09:19 PM

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex in quite some time. Despite a really good figure, sexy clothes, and a good sense of humor she hadn’t even had a date in months. She decided to seek the expertise of a feng shui sex therapist.

Her best friend referred her to Dr. Chang, down in Chinatown so she went to see him. Upon entering his office, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Willing to try anything, the woman did as she was told.

"Get down on you hands and knees then craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You haf bad probrem. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."

Guyute · 02-07-2005, 11:30 PM

First off- Hi all, my first post!!

This American commits several bank robberies and in order to stay out of jail he joins the French Foreign Legion. After his basic training he ends up out in the middle of the desert at tthis fort. The commandant is showing him around, answering questions and explaining his duties all day.

That night he hears these various sets of footsteps so he looks out his window. In the sand just outside the gate is a hut, and a soldier has his groin pressed up to the side of the hut and has this crazy grin on his face and moaning.

The next morning he grabs the commandant and asks him what the hell he saw!! The commandant replies "Since we aren't allowed female companionship during our stay inside the fort, they bend the rules by providing this hut, just outside the walls, so all you have to do to get relief is go up to the hut and stick your hardon in the hole and you will get the most amazing blowjob!"

The new recruit is freaking out and can hardly wait until nightfall. As soon as the coast is clear he runs up to the hut, sticks his tool in the hole and is rewarded by the best BJ he has had in years. He goes back the next night and 2 nights after, and each time is rewarded with satisfaction beyond his wildest fantasies. Then the fifth night he sticks his tool in the hole in eager anticipation, and nothing. He goes to bed disappointed, and the next morning he sees the commandant at breakfast.

He runs up to the Commandant and blurts out "Commandant, there must have been a problem there was no-one in the box last night."

The commandant looks at him, thinks for a second, then says "OOOOH that's right! I forgot to tell you that it was your turn in the box!!"

Iggy · 02-09-2005, 03:40 AM

One day, a woman decides the go to the docter to see if he can help her improve her sex life. She asks the doctor if there is anything he could do so that her husband would have sex with her again.
The doctor says "Well, we do have a pill that will help, but before I give it to you, I have to warn you that you must follow the directions EXACTLY."
So she agrees, and he gives her the pills.
"How do I use them?"
"All you have to do is crush up one pill in his dinner the night you would like to have sex, but no more!"
So that night, she crushes up one pill in dinner and they have the best sex they had had in years.
The next night, she decides since the last night was so good, she would try two pills that night. Sure enough, the sex is even better!
The fourth night, she decides the doctor was exaggerating about the pills and puts in the rest of the bottle!
The next morning, a police officer recieves a call to the house and finds a boy crying on the porch.
"Son, what's wrong?"
Sobbing, the boy says "My mommys dead, my sisters knocked up, my butthole hurts, and my daddy is in the backyard saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty!'"

01-26-2005, 11:12 PM	#406
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Jan. 25 - In an effort to “level the academic playing field,” Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that Harvard would introduce a home economics major designed specifically for its female students. “Starting in the fall, Harvard will offer home economics for women who find economics too tricky,” said Summers, who called the move “long overdue.” Summers said that the new courses would help women at Harvard improve their grade point averages, adding, “When it comes to getting busy in the kitchen, women are second to none.” The home ec major, which will consist of courses in cooking, sewing and what Summers called “the allied domestic arts and sciences,” is believed to be the first of its kind ever to be offered by an Ivy League university. Coming in the wake of Summers’ recent controversial remarks about purported intellectual differences between the sexes, the Harvard president’s decision to introduce a home economics major for women was widely seen as an olive branch of sorts. But the move may have backfired, as an angry mob of female faculty members protested outside his office today, demanding his immediate ouster and burning Summers in effigy. In a meeting with the protesters, Summers promised that he would recruit additional women to the Harvard faculty but refused to tell the protesters how many. “I don’t want to fill your heads with a lot of big numbers you won’t understand,” he said. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-26-2005, 11:48 PM	#407
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	Ouch! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That guy's going to get spanked! __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

01-27-2005, 01:19 AM	#408
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	speaking of scorn.. There was this little boy, Johnny, about 10 years old walking down the >sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him. He walked >up to >a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered >it, >she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. > >He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the >money >and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she >told him >to come in. > >Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do >any >of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He >said, "I >heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it >with >Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" > >Since Johnny was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam >told >him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall >dragging >the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still >dragging >the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped >him and >asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, >instead >of one of the others?" > >He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents >are >going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby- >sitter. >After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just >happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that >I just >caught. > >When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the >way, >he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then >when >Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and >have sex, >and Mom will catch it. > >In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the >milk, >have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a- >bitch >who ran over my FROG!" __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

01-27-2005, 10:30 PM	#409
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Every day, Bob would claim that he knew everyone. One day, his boss got fed up and told Bob that if he didn't shut up or prove it, he was going to fire him. So Bob said he would prove it. He told his boss to name anyone in the whole world and together, they would go see that person. Bob's boss, being a little sarcastic, replied, "Tom Cruise; I bet you don't know him!" Bob said he did. So that afternoon, they hopped on a plane to Hollywood. Once they got there, they went straight to Tom's house. They rang the doorbell, and Tom answered it and said, "Hey Bob, come on in, I was just about to have some lunch. You and your friend are welcome to join me". After they left Tom's house, Bob's boss looked at him and said, "Okay, so I just happened to name the one celebrity you know." Bob replied, "Then name someone else if you don't believe me." His boss said, "The President; I bet you don't know the President." So Bob and his boss flew out to the White House. They were taking a tour when the President was going into one of his offices, looked up and saw Bob. The President said, "Hey Bob, what's going on?" He told the men to come into his office for a cup of joe. Once they had left the White House, Bob's boss turned to him and said, "It's all just a big coincidence." Bob challenged his boss once again. This time his boss tells him that there's no way he knows the Pope. Again, Bob claims he does, and with that they fly to Rome. The Pope was supposed to address the public fifteen minutes from then. There were hundreds of thousands of people there. Bob told his boss that The Pope will never see him in the midst of all those people. So Bob told his boss that he knows the security guards, and when the Pope comes out to give his speech, he will join him on stage. Fifteen minutes later, the Pope came out on stage and there was Bob. Bob made his way to the end of the stage, and went back out into the crowd. Bob noticed that the paramedics were circled around someone in the crowd. When Bob realized that it was his boss, he rushed to his side. He asked what happened, and one of the paramedics said that his boss had had a heart attack. Bob asked his boss if the fact that he knew the Pope was too much to take, to which his boss replied, "No, that's not what got me. What got me was when you walked out with him, the guy next to me asked, 'Who's that up there with Bob?'." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-29-2005, 12:54 PM	#410
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	It's almost spring time, girls are showing their belly buttons!!! Attached Images __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

01-30-2005, 12:22 AM	#411
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-30-2005, 10:47 AM	#413
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Those thongs don't hold anything back. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-01-2005, 08:56 PM	#415
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-01-2005, 09:23 PM	#416
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	__________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-02-2005, 09:23 PM	#417
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	An alien space ship encounters an electromagnetic storm and crash lands near the Never land Ranch. The desperate aliens leave the spacecraft in search of their destiny. Ahead they see a well-lit house with lots of children enjoying an amusement park. The aliens said, " Look all the earthlings are the same size as we are and they are happy " They approached with confidence and said " Greetings we are here from another star system we need to talk to your leader " A kid ran inside and grabbed Michael. The kid said " Hey look out there a whole field full of little aliens " Michael smiled and said to himself " So they think they are the only ones who fly around this planet and probe little people " __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-07-2005, 09:19 PM	#418
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex in quite some time. Despite a really good figure, sexy clothes, and a good sense of humor she hadn’t even had a date in months. She decided to seek the expertise of a feng shui sex therapist. Her best friend referred her to Dr. Chang, down in Chinatown so she went to see him. Upon entering his office, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Willing to try anything, the woman did as she was told. "Get down on you hands and knees then craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You haf bad probrem. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-07-2005, 11:30 PM	#419
Guyute Gamehenge Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Halifax, NS Posts: 168	First off- Hi all, my first post!! This American commits several bank robberies and in order to stay out of jail he joins the French Foreign Legion. After his basic training he ends up out in the middle of the desert at tthis fort. The commandant is showing him around, answering questions and explaining his duties all day. That night he hears these various sets of footsteps so he looks out his window. In the sand just outside the gate is a hut, and a soldier has his groin pressed up to the side of the hut and has this crazy grin on his face and moaning. The next morning he grabs the commandant and asks him what the hell he saw!! The commandant replies "Since we aren't allowed female companionship during our stay inside the fort, they bend the rules by providing this hut, just outside the walls, so all you have to do to get relief is go up to the hut and stick your hardon in the hole and you will get the most amazing blowjob!" The new recruit is freaking out and can hardly wait until nightfall. As soon as the coast is clear he runs up to the hut, sticks his tool in the hole and is rewarded by the best BJ he has had in years. He goes back the next night and 2 nights after, and each time is rewarded with satisfaction beyond his wildest fantasies. Then the fifth night he sticks his tool in the hole in eager anticipation, and nothing. He goes to bed disappointed, and the next morning he sees the commandant at breakfast. He runs up to the Commandant and blurts out "Commandant, there must have been a problem there was no-one in the box last night." The commandant looks at him, thinks for a second, then says "OOOOH that's right! I forgot to tell you that it was your turn in the box!!" __________________ It's Really Plain and Easy To See, The Family grows like fungus on a tree. Last edited by Guyute; 02-07-2005 at 11:34 PM.

02-09-2005, 03:40 AM	#420
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	One day, a woman decides the go to the docter to see if he can help her improve her sex life. She asks the doctor if there is anything he could do so that her husband would have sex with her again. The doctor says "Well, we do have a pill that will help, but before I give it to you, I have to warn you that you must follow the directions EXACTLY." So she agrees, and he gives her the pills. "How do I use them?" "All you have to do is crush up one pill in his dinner the night you would like to have sex, but no more!" So that night, she crushes up one pill in dinner and they have the best sex they had had in years. The next night, she decides since the last night was so good, she would try two pills that night. Sure enough, the sex is even better! The fourth night, she decides the doctor was exaggerating about the pills and puts in the rest of the bottle! The next morning, a police officer recieves a call to the house and finds a boy crying on the porch. "Son, what's wrong?" Sobbing, the boy says "My mommys dead, my sisters knocked up, my butthole hurts, and my daddy is in the backyard saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty!'"

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