Humor...I Need Humor...

[plthijinx]

Originally posted by Undertoad
And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

no doubt! planes anyway! almost one time though, over I-10 at night in between Beaumont and Houston. i was able to troubleshoot the problem though before merging into traffic from above!

[plthijinx]

UPS man

One Monday morning a UPS man is driving thru the
neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both
cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The UPS man comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night,
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday
morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."

[Slartibartfast]

Two hunters, Joe and Billy-Bob, are out in the woods looking to kill a Bambi. They have been at it all day, and they have not once spotted anything white-tailed.

With a sigh of exhaustion, Billy-Bob puts down his rifle, rummages through his back-pack, and pulls out some Charmin. "Joe, you just sit tight a few minutes, I'm going to take a dump." Billy-Bob wanders off, Joe leans against a tree and munches on some granola.

Twenty minutes pass. Then twenty more. Joe is starting to get impatient, but suddenly, he spots a good sized buck wandering into range. Without making any sudden moves, Joe gets his rifle, and raises it into position. At the perfect moment, he snaps off a shot. The buck jerks, then buckles and falls without even taking a step. Joe approaches his kill. He looks at it for a while, and wonders why Billy-Bob hasn't come back yet. Really, he should have heard the shot.

Joe goes off and looks for his hunting partner. He spots him and lets out a hillbilly guffaw! Billy-Bob was squatting by a tree with his pants around his ankles, totally fast asleep. Joe, at least now knowing where ol' Billy is, goes off to field dress his deer. He's done some time later, and he is really a bit amazed that Billy hasn't woken up yet. Joe thinks to himself 'That Billy's gonna wake up and find himself a surprise!' Joe goes about setting up his good old country practical joke. He puts all the deer offal under Billy's squatting hairy butt, then he goes off and sets up camp nearby.

Some time later, Joe spots Billy approaching him, looking very green. 'Billy, you don't look so good, what's up?'

'Joe, this ain't never happened to me before! Gaddamm! I was out there taking my dump, and... uh, I must'a passed out! I wake up, and I find that I shit all my guts out! But now Joe, don't you worry too much, cuz with the help of a stick, I shoved it all back in!'

[xoxoxoBruce]

Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Vacations . They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night .
Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores ....... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Government Bonds ....... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Scopulus Argentarius]

Originally posted by Elspode
..... Now give me back my dog."

Fargin true Elsie.... note that the con-sultant cluelessly tried to make off with the shepard's sheparding tool. I've seen this in action.....

[wolf]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.
ACTION: Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[wolf]

The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any member who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."

[zippyt]

Just go to show ya , Never underestamate the smarts of a NCO!!

[lumberjim]

What's an NCO?

[Elspode]

Non Commissioned Officer.

[Sun_Sparkz]

Two men made there way hitchhiking across the countryside, both tired and hungry desperate for some kind soal to pick them up. Finally, a farmer pulled up along side them and offered to take them back to his farm for the night and give them a room and breakfast for the night, on the one condition that neither of them touched his beautiful daughter, or punishment would prevail.

The Hitchhikers agreed at the kind offer and returned to the farm with the farmer. upon arrival they met the farmers daughter who was the most beautiful woman either had ever seen. during the night, while the farmer slept the beautiful and promiscuous daughter entered the hitchhikers rooms and had intercourse with them.

The next day the farmer was waiting for the two men outside their rooms when they awoke. "you have slept with my daughter" he bellowed from behind a large shot gun. "your punishment is to go into my field and pick 100 fruits of your favourite fruit and bring them back.

The two went into the orchards, The 1st returned with 100 grapes. The farmer, still armed, odered him to proceed to fit ever one of those grapes into his anus, until he did this he would not be released. he began..

he squished in 40grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

he got to 70 grapes... started to laugh and they all fell out.

He even managed 99 grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

"what's so funny?" asked the furious farmer.

the hitchhiker replied:

"My friends out there picking watermelons"

[Whit]

      Here's one very similar to the last one.

      A hunter gets lost in the woods. As he's looking for civilization he comes across a house. He knocks on the door and asks if he can stay for the night, as he thinks he can find his truck in the morning. The home owner, an Asian man, says that he can stay but warns that if the hunter touches the home owners daughter he will be subjected to the "Three Chinese Tortures."
      The hunter readily agrees, but regrets his decision as soon as he sees the daughter. Still, he reminds himself of his promise and goes to bed without trying anything. A few minutes after he lays down the daughter slips into his room and he thinks, "Ah to hell with that."
      The hunter wakes up the next morning having trouble breathing. He opens his eyes and finds a large rock sitting on his chest with a note on it that reads, "Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest."
      So the hunter, thinking "this is the 'Torture'?" throws the rock out of the open window next to the bed. Then he sees a second note on the window sill that reads, "Chinese Torture number Two: Right testicle tied to rock." The hunter seeing the fishing line going from rock to under the covers has no time to consider and throws himself out the widow.
      On the outside of the window sill he see a third note. As he's falling he reads "Chinese torture number Three: Left testicle tied to bed rail."

[novice]

Two intrepid explorers, Robbo and Davo come across a clearing in the jungle and, to their dismay, come face to face with the largest lion they've ever seen.
Immediately Davo crouches down and begins removing his sturdy explorers boots and replaces them with much lighter running shoes.
Robbo looks at him in amazement and says " You're a damn fool if you think you've got the slightest chance of outrunning a lion !"
"Forget the lion" replies Davo, over his shoulder as he sprints off " I only have to outrun you !"

[novice]

1- When the Captain of a warship asks the helmsman " How's the head" he is asking for the ships heading.
2- The helmsman can be as lowly as a seaman in rank as he/she does no free thinking, simply turning a tiny knob as directed.

The Captain of our ship entered the bridge after we had sailed from a 5 day r&r visit toThailand and this exchange took place.

Captain "How's the head"

Helmsman ( (very) ordinary seaman Black ) " Not too bad thanks sir. I came back a little earlier cos I knew I was gonna be driving"

footnote; it was later discovered that this exchange had already taken place and had been documented in an anecdotal book. Black had read said book and had been bursting for an opportunity to test it out.

Yes, the Skipper eventually saw the funny side of the situation but his initial glare and protracted stunned silence had us in fear of Blacks immediate future.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
She says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”