Is it over? - Page 3

Sundae · 07-04-2006, 10:02 AM

Anon - I don't want to come across all hands-on-hips-Jerry-Springer-audience at you, but what are you still doing with this man?

He obviously does not want a monogamous relationship with you at present - either he was looking to replace you by advertising himself online, or he was looking for other women to sleep with as well as you. Neither of these options fits with a man who wants to commit solely to you.

This does not necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly makes him the wrong person for you. He could be the most wonderful man in the world, and you could love him more than any woman who's ever lived, but if you want different things from eachother you will end up getting hurt. More. Finish it.

Trilby · 07-06-2006, 05:55 PM

Oh, honey.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-06-2006, 10:12 PM

Why not just put your decision on hold until it's convenient. Don't commit to anything until you're ready.

Iggy · 07-06-2006, 10:43 PM

Oh my...

I just now read this, and it makes me sad, discusted, and pissed all at the same time. What was his reason for this? Because honestly... I think any reason he could possibly give you is bullshit and you should leave him anyway. I have dated two men who cheated on me. One fessed up to it and I stayed with him (wasting my time and only hurting myself more), and the other hid it from me (very well I might add). I can promise you that if I had known* for ONE SECOND that the second man was cheating, he would have been gone so fast his head would have spun. Men cheating is probably the worst betrayl any man could do.

I can give you hope though... in my current relationship, I know he isn't cheating. We have a very open relationship and if he wants to do things with another person we discuss it. We have had two threesomes in our 3 year 8 month relatinship. I trust him with all of me, and we will get married someday. Money is one of the main reasons we aren't engaged right now. I knew him for a couple years before we got together, and I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I trust him so much. I saw him in another relationship and I knew he didn't cheat on her. With my other relationships I always wondered if they were cheating, but I didn't have the proof and like the dumb person I was I let it go.

Sorry... I tend to ramble when I get pissed. But I think you get the picture. It is only going to get worse, and you should cut your losses. The first man that cheated on me and was honest about it, just ended up hurting me in other ways and doing it again and lying about it. Since he had been honest once about his unfaithfulness, I believed him when he told me he hadn't done it since. This man will only suck you dry. Leave him. NOW.

*I should point out that I was pretty sure he was cheating, but since I didn't have proof and all his friends told me he wasn't I decided I didn't know what I was talking about and I should just forget about it. I thought I was being paranoid because the other serious relationship included him cheating on me. I should also add that his friends were the ones who confirmed his cheating status (yes, the same ones who swore that he was faithful and loved me) AFTER the relationship ended. Since they were his friends he made them promise to never tell me what they knew, so they only felt safe telling me when they knew it wasn't going to get back to him. And I was pretty sure he was anyway.

anonymousfornow · 06-13-2007, 10:20 PM

I am here to give you guys an update. reread this thread and get some tlc.

When I began this thread, I called him on the carpet. forgave him, made a commitment to myself to trust, let it go and move on, everything has been spectacular and Friday he made a mistake and was caught again (now we are almost 2 years into it).

He has never stopped reaching out to women through personal ads. I dont know how many he has seen or what he has actually done. I knew this was a risk when i found out the first time, but I truly believed that the prospect of losing me scared him straight. I also believe that he loves me, and cannot imagine his life without me. We spend 6.5 days a week together. We maintain two homes in different counties and stay at one during the week and the other one on the weekend.

We even had conversation a month ago about our commitment to each other and building a life together so I could hear for myself that we were on the same page.

What hurts the most is I do not know why he does this. We have open lines of communication, a great sex life, etc.

I would like to hear from men on this. I am deeply in love and truly at a loss, why do some men do this? It is the sharpest pain I have ever felt. Help me understand.

I do not think I have done anything wrong, I do not think this is my fault, so this is not a self esteem problem for me. I am just deeply wounded and even more confused.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-14-2007, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

snip~
I also believe that he loves me, and cannot imagine his life without me. We spend 6.5 days a week together. We maintain two homes in different counties and stay at one during the week and the other one on the weekend.

We even had conversation a month ago about our commitment to each other and building a life together so I could hear for myself that we were on the same page.

What hurts the most is I do not know why he does this. We have open lines of communication, a great sex life, etc.
~snip

Why should he even contemplate life without you? You've shown no to propensity to leave. You've even offered to compromise. He knows he's got you wrapped around his finger.

You say your sex life is great, meaning you're satisfied with it but it would appear he has different standards. I've had many people gush to me how good their life is, with their spouse in the background rolling their eyes.

Or what he's doing on the net he doesn't consider part of his sex life, but a game. Like any other online game, but winning by scoring pictures and proposals. Just a hobby without regard for the emotional toll on his supposedly significant other.

I think that you're probably weighing the possibility of just letting it slide. Weighing what you feel you have vs it's emotional toll.
Don't do it. While you might be able to rationalize the trade off now, there is no guarantee things won't change. It will always gnaw at you and more important, his needs will change.... probably not for the better.

I wish you well.

anonymousfornow · 06-14-2007, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Why should he even contemplate life without you? You've shown no to propensity to leave. You've even offered to compromise. He knows he's got you wrapped around his finger.

You say your sex life is great, meaning you're satisfied with it but it would appear he has different standards. I've had many people gush to me how good their life is, with their spouse in the background rolling their eyes.

Or what he's doing on the net he doesn't consider part of his sex life, but a game. Like any other online game, but winning by scoring pictures and proposals. Just a hobby without regard for the emotional toll on his supposedly significant other.

I think that you're probably weighing the possibility of just letting it slide. Weighing what you feel you have vs it's emotional toll.
Don't do it. While you might be able to rationalize the trade off now, there is no guarantee things won't change. It will always gnaw at you and more important, his needs will change.... probably not for the better.

I wish you well.

I found out on Friday and he has been out of town all week working. i have not answered his calls since Tuesday(Monday I was weak) and it is quite difficult. I have tomorrow off so i plan to return his things and get mine before he gets back tomorrow night. I am doing something. Excuse my language ....but it just fucking sucks. I hate that I am in this position and he has forced me into it.

LadyM · 06-14-2007, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

I found out on Friday and he has been out of town all week working. i have not answered his calls since Tuesday(Monday I was weak) and it is quite difficult. I have tomorrow off so i plan to return his things and get mine before he gets back tomorrow night. I am doing something. Excuse my language ....but it just fucking sucks. I hate that I am in this position and he has forced me into it.

This does suck. You have my absolute sympathy, and I give you kudos for DOING something about it. I made the mistake of letting a similar situation slide in a past relationship and it ended up completely destroying me. You'll be much better off this way.

skysidhe · 06-14-2007, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

.... a game. Like any other game, but winning by scoring pictures and proposals. Just a hobby without regard for the emotional toll on his supposedly significant other.

speaks volumes

Cloud · 06-13-2007, 10:36 PM

You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum.

and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time.

anonymousfornow · 06-13-2007, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud

You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum.

and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time.

Intellectually I know what I need to do, but amazingly enough, I don't want to. I think that is the sickest component of the whole situation.

Cloud · 06-13-2007, 11:04 PM

you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help.

anonymousfornow · 06-13-2007, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud

you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help.

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Beestie · 06-14-2007, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Then you came here for the wrong reason. TLC is not what you need at the moment. You need to gut-check yourself and either throw your shit in a box and leave or throw your sorry-ass boyfriend's shit in a box and tell him to leave.

freshnesschronic · 06-14-2007, 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Dang, girl you and me both. I haven't read the original post from 2006 but...

My original expedition to the Cellar that's what I expected in my posts about my girlfriend. TLC. Little did I know I would be ravaged and slashed for my own relationship problems that would eventually lead to my own hostility at this place. But after enough backlash I realized "they" might have a point and I got my own "gut check" and am happy for the insight. I was my own problem.

Me and my girl are coming close to the closest we've ever been, not because of the Dwellars, but because I found the answers within myself; but the Dwellar responses sure did support my responsibility to search for it.

It doesn't look like TLC on the surface, but it sure is stuff you'll want to read. Ok, maybe not WANT to read at the time, but you SHOULD read it over time.

07-06-2006, 05:55 PM	#2
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Oh, honey. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-06-2006, 10:12 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Why not just put your decision on hold until it's convenient. Don't commit to anything until you're ready. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-06-2006, 10:43 PM	#4
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Oh my... I just now read this, and it makes me sad, discusted, and pissed all at the same time. What was his reason for this? Because honestly... I think any reason he could possibly give you is bullshit and you should leave him anyway. I have dated two men who cheated on me. One fessed up to it and I stayed with him (wasting my time and only hurting myself more), and the other hid it from me (very well I might add). I can promise you that if I had known* for ONE SECOND that the second man was cheating, he would have been gone so fast his head would have spun. Men cheating is probably the worst betrayl any man could do. I can give you hope though... in my current relationship, I know he isn't cheating. We have a very open relationship and if he wants to do things with another person we discuss it. We have had two threesomes in our 3 year 8 month relatinship. I trust him with all of me, and we will get married someday. Money is one of the main reasons we aren't engaged right now. I knew him for a couple years before we got together, and I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I trust him so much. I saw him in another relationship and I knew he didn't cheat on her. With my other relationships I always wondered if they were cheating, but I didn't have the proof and like the dumb person I was I let it go. Sorry... I tend to ramble when I get pissed. But I think you get the picture. It is only going to get worse, and you should cut your losses. The first man that cheated on me and was honest about it, just ended up hurting me in other ways and doing it again and lying about it. Since he had been honest once about his unfaithfulness, I believed him when he told me he hadn't done it since. This man will only suck you dry. Leave him. NOW. I should point out that I was pretty sure he was cheating, but since I didn't have proof and all his friends told me he wasn't I decided I didn't know what I was talking about and I should just forget about it. I thought I was being paranoid because the other serious relationship included him cheating on me. I should also add that his friends were the ones who confirmed his cheating status (yes, the same ones who swore that he was faithful and loved me) AFTER the relationship ended. Since they were his friends he made them promise to never tell me what they knew, so they only felt safe telling me when they knew it wasn't going to get back to him. And I was pretty sure he was anyway. Last edited by Iggy; 07-06-2006 at 10:46 PM.*

06-13-2007, 10:20 PM	#5
anonymousfornow May Ter Dee Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 26	I'm back to report I am here to give you guys an update. reread this thread and get some tlc. When I began this thread, I called him on the carpet. forgave him, made a commitment to myself to trust, let it go and move on, everything has been spectacular and Friday he made a mistake and was caught again (now we are almost 2 years into it). He has never stopped reaching out to women through personal ads. I dont know how many he has seen or what he has actually done. I knew this was a risk when i found out the first time, but I truly believed that the prospect of losing me scared him straight. I also believe that he loves me, and cannot imagine his life without me. We spend 6.5 days a week together. We maintain two homes in different counties and stay at one during the week and the other one on the weekend. We even had conversation a month ago about our commitment to each other and building a life together so I could hear for myself that we were on the same page. What hurts the most is I do not know why he does this. We have open lines of communication, a great sex life, etc. I would like to hear from men on this. I am deeply in love and truly at a loss, why do some men do this? It is the sharpest pain I have ever felt. Help me understand. I do not think I have done anything wrong, I do not think this is my fault, so this is not a self esteem problem for me. I am just deeply wounded and even more confused.

06-13-2007, 10:36 PM	#10
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum. and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

07-04-2006, 10:02 AM	#1
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Anon - I don't want to come across all hands-on-hips-Jerry-Springer-audience at you, but what are you still doing with this man? He obviously does not want a monogamous relationship with you at present - either he was looking to replace you by advertising himself online, or he was looking for other women to sleep with as well as you. Neither of these options fits with a man who wants to commit solely to you. This does not necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly makes him the wrong person for you. He could be the most wonderful man in the world, and you could love him more than any woman who's ever lived, but if you want different things from eachother you will end up getting hurt. More. Finish it.

06-13-2007, 11:04 PM	#12
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

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