I know this isn't Oprah but... - Page 3

jaguar · 06-22-2004, 09:33 AM

You did the right thing, I wish you the best of luck =)

glatt · 06-22-2004, 10:12 AM

Good job, Catwoman.

wolf · 06-22-2004, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Catwoman
What a mess. Should I tell him how I feel?

If he felt it, it might have an impact.

But it seems at least relatively clear that he doesn't.

Outside of the satisfaction or further hurt YOU will experience from the venting, I don't know what it would accomplish for you.

It's been established that the relationships of people in your household are fluid and nonbinding. You don't have any exclusivity deal. You're not even, as many of today's younger folk do, practicing serial monogamy.

It was never in the 'rules,' unwritten or not.

You're housemates who happened to have fucked. You didn't establish anything else.

Get yourself a large tub of the chocolatiest ice cream you can find, one spoon, put on your jammies and fuzzy slippers, and start reading through the "to let" adverts.

Unless yours is the sole name on the lease where you are, in which case, telling him and the chick to get the hell out might be a better start.

note: Posted before reading Catwoman's response regarding the conversation, but I'm leaving this anyway.

ladysycamore · 06-22-2004, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by wolf
Don't forget that your are interpreting EVERYBODY'S behavior through the haze of your own feelings for the male ... people may or not be doing the things you think they are.

Heh, for some reason I read this like it was something out of Wild Kingdom. I think it was the use of the word "male"...ah don't ask. I'm in a silly mood today. :p

Quote:

But yeah, a tub of overly rich chocolate ice cream, preferrably with chocolate bits, and a lead on a new place to live makes a decent fall back position.

Amen to that!

06-23-2004, 12:36 AM

I've read thru all the posts. (sigh) Here's what I think, and believe me, I not only have been around the block; I've been around the entire damned back country road in places where you can only drive with a winch and 4wd drive in compound low. I got the t-shirt and used it to wipe up all the blood and threw it away. So...

Get out now. Every moment that you stay is an extra moment of self-inflicted pain. The man made you no promises and he is living up to them. If he wanted you for a real relationship, he'd have let you know long ago. If a man wants something, he goes after it; he doesn't leave it to chance. For example, if a man was walking down the street and saw a hundred dollar bill laying on the sidewalk, would he turn away from it and ask a passer by for 10 cents for the parking meter? Not hardly. You have to consider yourself to be just like that hundred dollar bill. A man who passes you by for chump change in a bar is not worth breaking your heart over.

This guy may indeed enjoy your friendship. He certainly enjoys getting to have you in bed along with this other girl, along with whomever he can pick up in a bar, along with who ever else. His actions show very plainly that he is not interested in exclusivity. This does not make him a "bad" guy, but it makes him the wrong guy for you if exclusivity is what you want.

What you get to do is to accept him for who he is and accept yourself for who you are. You can remain on in a dead end situation that only brings you pain, or you can pull the arrow out and go on with your life.

Get another place to live. Don't have ANY contact with this guy for at least 6 months, better still, a year. If at the end of that time, you feel that you can be his platonic friend and still wish to be, more power to you. But staying on as you are now and attempting some sort of friendship when what you really want is a relationship is a sure fire recipe for lots and lots of heartache. Hold your head up and exit stage right. You'll be glad you did, hard as it may seem now.

Catwoman · 06-23-2004, 04:31 AM

Even though he has said he is avoiding a relationship because he knows there is a possibility we would break up, there's no guarantees, and he doesn't want to go through the pain again? Shows he must have some feelings for me doesn't it? I know I can't tell him to let go of his fear, but I'm hoping he will. You see for me I think it's gone too far already to avoid the pain. For him, he's just recognising signs that it's starting. He said better say it now instead of 2 years down the line, when it would be so much more painful. It's like I want to wait for him. I'm so involved now already a few more months won't make that much difference surely, and if the time becomes right for him it will all be worth it.

Am I just being incredibly naive? Or should I hold onto the possibility of loving again?

Yelof · 06-23-2004, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Am I just being incredibly naive? Or should I hold onto the possibility of loving again?

I am probably too cynical to answer correctly that question.

But in terms of managing your situation your problem would seem to be that you live with him. You seem to be in love with him and would like him to take the risk to love you too, it would be more managable for you if you didn't live with him but instead only met up occasionally, of course if you left the house that leaves studboy living alone with that other girl.

Life is a bitch, be demanding on him and yourself, it will save pain in the long run.

-disclaimer- all advice given is subject to change, investments may go up as well as down, if you do not make your payments you may lose your house

added commas and shit on edit (as normal)

Catwoman · 06-23-2004, 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Yelof

if you do not make your payments you may lose your house

That may be more true than I'd like to think...

Moving out is not really financially viable right now. Feelings aside I've got a very good deal living there and as I'm uncertain with regard to the future of my job etc. it doesn't make sense to up and leave. As for the emotional cost... oh I don't know maybe I enjoy getting my heart broken. This is the second time.

What do you mean be demanding on him? Are you saying I should try and force him? I don't think he'd respond too well to that, and I wouldn't want it to be forced anyway. Is there a way of making him see? Maybe I should go and sleep with someone and see his reaction, just like he did to me. Maybe it would make things clearer in his head. It wouldn't be spiteful, more of an experiment. What do you think?

Yelof · 06-23-2004, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Maybe I should go and sleep with someone and see his reaction, just like he did to me. Maybe it would make things clearer in his head. It wouldn't be spiteful, more of an experiment. What do you think?

I live in Portugal and I'm married but thank you very much for the offer

By demanding, I mean it just seems that in your current situation you stand to lose by letting it drag out, you are at an emotional disadvantage. At least tell him you don't want to sleep together until he is prepared to make it exclusive and wants a relationship. Maybe i'm just old fashioned

Catwoman · 06-23-2004, 06:12 AM

I went to Portugal last year to Albufeira, had a brilliant time, and developed a real sense of the language, obrigado

OK here's the plan. I go out tonight or very soon and sleep with another guy. I judge his reaction. If he's not bothered, fuck it. If he is, I'll tell him I won't sleep with him unless it's exclusive. I think I need to do it - it will act as a catalyst for him if he really is bothered.

Good idea?

lumberjim · 06-23-2004, 06:44 AM

nope

Catwoman · 06-23-2004, 07:28 AM

Why?

glatt · 06-23-2004, 07:59 AM

I'd tell him you won't sleep with him unless it's exclusive. I'd avoid playing games by sleeping with some random guy.

I'm a fan of clear communication instead of games. Just tell him that you can't be in a relationship with him if it's not exclusive. And then stick to your guns. If things don't work out, I would move out.

Catwoman · 06-23-2004, 08:04 AM

But I'm after something that will make him see (either way) how he really feels, and take action on it. I think sleeping with someone else would be the ideal way. Plus I could see how I feel about it - maybe I am just caught up in the whole thing and don't really love him at all. Ultimatums just won't work at this stage because he's already given me a reason for not wanting to develop things further. I think the situation just needs a catalyst to instigate change; then at least I'll know for good, either way.

Btw I really appreciate your continued comments guys, I hope I'm not going on too much...

lumberjim · 06-23-2004, 08:42 AM

cat, i'm sure you know that sleeping with some random guy won't help you find anything out. What are you, nuts? It just feels wrong, doesn't it? and not very fair to the random guy.

if you want to go boff some dude, god bless, but do not attempt to manipulate this guy that you say you care about by doing it.

women are nuts.

06-22-2004, 09:33 AM	#31
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	You did the right thing, I wish you the best of luck =) __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

06-23-2004, 04:31 AM	#36
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Even though he has said he is avoiding a relationship because he knows there is a possibility we would break up, there's no guarantees, and he doesn't want to go through the pain again? Shows he must have some feelings for me doesn't it? I know I can't tell him to let go of his fear, but I'm hoping he will. You see for me I think it's gone too far already to avoid the pain. For him, he's just recognising signs that it's starting. He said better say it now instead of 2 years down the line, when it would be so much more painful. It's like I want to wait for him. I'm so involved now already a few more months won't make that much difference surely, and if the time becomes right for him it will all be worth it. Am I just being incredibly naive? Or should I hold onto the possibility of loving again? __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

06-23-2004, 06:12 AM	#40
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	I went to Portugal last year to Albufeira, had a brilliant time, and developed a real sense of the language, obrigado OK here's the plan. I go out tonight or very soon and sleep with another guy. I judge his reaction. If he's not bothered, fuck it. If he is, I'll tell him I won't sleep with him unless it's exclusive. I think I need to do it - it will act as a catalyst for him if he really is bothered. Good idea? __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

06-23-2004, 06:44 AM	#41
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	nope __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

06-23-2004, 07:28 AM	#42
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Why? __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

06-22-2004, 10:12 AM	#32
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Good job, Catwoman.

06-23-2004, 12:36 AM	#35
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	I've read thru all the posts. (sigh) Here's what I think, and believe me, I not only have been around the block; I've been around the entire damned back country road in places where you can only drive with a winch and 4wd drive in compound low. I got the t-shirt and used it to wipe up all the blood and threw it away. So... Get out now. Every moment that you stay is an extra moment of self-inflicted pain. The man made you no promises and he is living up to them. If he wanted you for a real relationship, he'd have let you know long ago. If a man wants something, he goes after it; he doesn't leave it to chance. For example, if a man was walking down the street and saw a hundred dollar bill laying on the sidewalk, would he turn away from it and ask a passer by for 10 cents for the parking meter? Not hardly. You have to consider yourself to be just like that hundred dollar bill. A man who passes you by for chump change in a bar is not worth breaking your heart over. This guy may indeed enjoy your friendship. He certainly enjoys getting to have you in bed along with this other girl, along with whomever he can pick up in a bar, along with who ever else. His actions show very plainly that he is not interested in exclusivity. This does not make him a "bad" guy, but it makes him the wrong guy for you if exclusivity is what you want. What you get to do is to accept him for who he is and accept yourself for who you are. You can remain on in a dead end situation that only brings you pain, or you can pull the arrow out and go on with your life. Get another place to live. Don't have ANY contact with this guy for at least 6 months, better still, a year. If at the end of that time, you feel that you can be his platonic friend and still wish to be, more power to you. But staying on as you are now and attempting some sort of friendship when what you really want is a relationship is a sure fire recipe for lots and lots of heartache. Hold your head up and exit stage right. You'll be glad you did, hard as it may seem now.

06-23-2004, 07:59 AM	#43
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	I'd tell him you won't sleep with him unless it's exclusive. I'd avoid playing games by sleeping with some random guy. I'm a fan of clear communication instead of games. Just tell him that you can't be in a relationship with him if it's not exclusive. And then stick to your guns. If things don't work out, I would move out.

06-23-2004, 08:04 AM	#44
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	But I'm after something that will make him see (either way) how he really feels, and take action on it. I think sleeping with someone else would be the ideal way. Plus I could see how I feel about it - maybe I am just caught up in the whole thing and don't really love him at all. Ultimatums just won't work at this stage because he's already given me a reason for not wanting to develop things further. I think the situation just needs a catalyst to instigate change; then at least I'll know for good, either way. Btw I really appreciate your continued comments guys, I hope I'm not going on too much... __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

06-23-2004, 08:42 AM	#45
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	cat, i'm sure you know that sleeping with some random guy won't help you find anything out. What are you, nuts? It just feels wrong, doesn't it? and not very fair to the random guy. if you want to go boff some dude, god bless, but do not attempt to manipulate this guy that you say you care about by doing it. women are nuts. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

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